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male
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anonymous
writes: I am in love with a 19 yr old girl and she is in love with me (42). We both know that nothing can come from this relationship as she wants children, I cant have any (vasectomy), I am also married. We tried separating but were both unhappy and soon got back together. When we are together it is as if we are in our own little world and couldn't give a damn about anything else. I know I should let her go but I can't, I love her too much. I have tried to encourage her to look for someone her own age but as long as I am around she won't. We have been together for 2 years now and our feelings are getting stronger so we know that this isn't just a crush! Help please.
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crush, got back together, want children Reply to this Question
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (22 July 2006):
 If you posted here looking for approval for your actions, you won't find it. Since you aren't going to give the poor thing a chance at a decent life then go about your business. I pity all the women in your life.
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female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (21 July 2006):
 I think KDLADY that was a bit over the top... If you have no constructive advice to give dont just slur or barate someone!
Now your married, first off you need to think clearly about what that actually means to you ? What is that you actually want from life ? IS your marriage so dull mundane and boring that your only excitment is this girl ? if thats the case you may have to ditch the marriage! If your that unhappy why stay ? Obviously i dont know you, but you should at least try and fix something before moving on to the next. Now the fact that this girl is only 19 probably gives you a nice glow feeling because she is so young and you have actually got addicted to seeing her off and on, but what you need to find out is what is shes giving you that your marriage is not ? You know she wants children, and you dont, although that could be changed, so if your both intent that there is no future why draw it out ? You have to be fair to all concerned here an your wife is probably oblvious. You know that you cant carry on the way that you are and that something needs to be done, you either repair your marriage or make a go of it with the 19 year old, but that said it aint easy and well you should have ended your marraige before embarking on another relationship, so something tells me that you dont want to leave your wife because of the fear of the unknown ? Age gap relationships can work, but its up the couple to make that happen, but the way you are doing all of this is wrong, you have to find out exactly what it is you want and then sort it through, you need to be fair and honest to your wife about it as shes in the dark on all this. You have to decide marriage or relationship with my bit on the side, who lets face it you have never lived with and dont truly know what shes like 24/7, so be careful which way you plan this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI will listen to views but not remarks like 'child molester'as this does not help, this is not some sort of a witch hunt.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (20 July 2006):
 I can see, based on your responses, that you are simply defending your behaviour. This means that you are not ready to listen to our counsel, personal attacks notwithstanding.
Furthermore, since it appears for the moment that you are not open to viewpoints that run counter to yours, I stand by my original assessment - Your animal desire has supplanted your moral standards. This is a fact that the rest of us can see but you refuse to acknowledge. If you didn't have any moral issues with your relationship with this girl, then you would be completely open about it with your wife and family. I daresay that you do have moral issues but your animal desires blind you to acknowledging them.
When you uncover your ears and listen to our counsel, you might choose to evaluate your behaviour in a different fashion. Until then, there is little reason for you to return to this forum.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is in England where we are allowed to have relationships at 16 so get your facts straight first before you make slanderous remarks you self righteous prig. I suppose it would be different if it was an old woman and a young man, you would think that was ok because it was 'just a bit of fun'
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female
reader, kdlady +, writes (20 July 2006):
You said she is 19 and you've been dating for 2 years---uuuuhhh, so you're a child molester?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I am married and not to the 19 yr old. As far as sex goes, we see each other about twice or three times a year as we live miles apart, if it was sex I was after i would find someone closer to home. 99% of our contact is by phone or email which is everyday. I love her to bits and cannot imagine her not being there, she is part of my daily life and possibly the only reason for me to smile. She makes me laugh, happy and wanted. Dont always assume that older men are after one thing or younger girls, for most of my life I have been attracted to older women. When I was 14 I was sleeping with a friends mother who was more than twice my age and that set the trend for me, this is the first time I have had a relationship with someone younger. I cant get her out of my head and I dont want to.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (19 July 2006):
Yes, I am as confused as Dr. Psych - are you married but having an affair with the 19-year old, or are you married to the 19-year old?
It sounds to me like it's the former. You had better get out of the girl's life now, based on what your instinct tells you. And let's not confuse emotions (and lust) with instinct. You are in the classic struggle where your emotions are shouting down your instinct.
It's pretty convenient for you that you can have sex with this 19-year old without fear of getting her pregnant. In light of this girl wanting to have children, there is the showstopper for your relationship with her. If you really love her, then cut her loose now and forever so that she has the chance to be with someone who will commit to her 100%.
You haven't mentioned one word about your marriage other than the fact that you are married. What is missing in the relationship with your wife that you were able to rationalize this act of infidelity? If you can give us more details about the problems in your marriage we agony aunts can give you better counsel, and I won't be inclined to judge you so harshly. Because right now, based on the limited information you have given us, I see a man whose moral standards have been supplanted by animal desire.
Good luck and take care.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2006): you know i don't see the point in getting married if your just going to cheat your poor wife i think your being selfish look you can't have it both ways pal it's either your lover or your wife choose and do it sooner rather than later and to be honest i think you just like to have younger girls that's typical every time a man or woman cheats on there spouse it's always someone younger.
Love will just be something that will just vanish at this rate.
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female
reader, carebear +, writes (20 June 2006):
 have you seen fatal attraction ? you dirty old man wonder what you would do if your wife found out or better your kids she's young enough to be your daughter! you have no intentions of leaving your wife and family but your scared to tell this girl to go plus it boost your ego you know the answer and if you don't then god help us at your age.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2006): I am sure you are in love with her. However, my definition of a true, real love is, "When someone else's happiness and well-being is just as important as your own." So if you are encouraging her to find someone else, then perhaps you should just let her go. Start by walking away forever. You can't do it, can you? Why? Because all you care about is 'you, yourself'. From your posting I am assuming this 19 year old woman is your mistress. You mention you are married but give us no idea of your present marital status. If you are married and you have a family at home, then all I can say is...you truely are lacking honesty, integrity, and courage, all qualities that are part of a man with character. Trust is one of the most important aspects of a marriage relationship and without it you can't build a life together. It's plainly obvious your mistress is 'young and impressionable' because she's blinded to your true character, all because, she does love you. So sad. She's let her emotional boundries down, by not using a clear head. Any good, quality man in your position would dissolve one's marriage relationship before carrying on to another. If I were you, I'd close the door on this extramarital affair. It's a tainted love that has been acquired through deciet , dishonesty and lies. Don't kid yourself, your young lover will eventually mature and she will take note of that about you. She will further question your underlying motives and your character, when she takes the blinders off, someday after the realities of having herself strapped with a couple of kids, with no education, and giving up a life of travel, career and the fun adventures of maturing into adulthood, in her own way. I suggest...you cut her loose. She is still young enough to find a young man who adores her and has good morals and values-a man who has no marriage baggage and will not cause her 'have nagging doubts about him' many years down the road.
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (20 June 2006):
 The age gap shouldn't be a problem if you love each other, the marriage is a big problem! It is unclear if this girl is your mistress or you are separated from your wife. However, if you really want to be together then you should leave your wife immediately or reconcile your marriage and leave the girl for good - wife+mistress isn't nice, and not a great foundation for a happy relationship with this girl. As for your girlfriend wanting children...at 42 it is entirely possible that a vasectomy could be reversed by a simple surgical procedure. The key to sorting this out is to stop using the excuses to hide behind (I cannot have kids, I am older than her...) and look at what is really wrong in this relationship that prevents you two from being together like a normal marriage. If you truely wish for this to work then you should be adult about it, get a divorce and make that commitment to something rather more than a fling. If you cannot do that and continue to use excuses, then unfortunately you are just using this girl as a bit on the side and she will just become bitter about the relationship and men in general.
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