A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Confused.....My husband drops a bomb on me. He feels that we have "grown apart" and he's not sure how he feels but that it's "not me, it's him." We works 13 hour days, and wonders why he feels that we've grown apart. He seems to find time to hang out with his work buddy's that are half his age but can't seem to come home and have dinner with his wife and daughter.He tells me that he want's to try to work things out and I'm all for that but something in the back of my mind keeps telling me that there is possibly someone else (which he denies). Maybe not actually having an affair but attracted to a co-worker. I've also wondered if maybe he could be depressed. He told me that he knows he should be happy but he's not.It's very hard for me to try to give him "the time" he needs and act like everything is okay when I'm dying inside. I just need some advice!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): Hi. I really feel for you because I'm in a very similar position. I was happy with my life until a few months ago when overnight my husband just started being very distant - sometimes ignoring me and our beautiful 2 year old son. He started going out 'for a few drinks after work' with colleagues alot younger than him and would roll in drunk in the early hours. We had been trying for a baby and he just suddenly said he didn't want to anymore. When I asked what was wrong he said to leave him alone or he would walk out. Like you, I feel like I'm 'dying inside' - trying to hold it together for my son and in my job (although I sometimes don't). Eventually I had to threaten to separate to get him to talk. He says there's noone else, that he's just not happy, mostly due to being is stressed at work and I need to give him time. This has gone on for 2 months with no noticable improvement so far.The heartbreaking thing for me is our little boy. I don't understand how he can be so selfish. I am trying hard for our son's sake because I don't want him to come from a broken home. I also desparately wanted another baby and as I am in my late thirties I feel he is going to take this chance away from me.I'm sorry if I am rambling and I don't have a reasoned answer for you but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. For me, I have decided to try and be supportive and give him a bit more time but I have drawn a deadline in my head. Much as I don't want to be a single mum and worry hugely about the negative effects of that, I also think it would damage my son to grow up in a household where his father acts in this way and is distant and unloving. The thought of being on my own is scary but I don't think I could be more unhappy than I am now.Anyway, chin up and I hope it all works out OK for you. x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): I was the one in my marriage who wanted out. So I may be able to relate to what your husband is going through. You don't say how long you were married but in my case, we married quite young and over time, I felt like I grew up and grew away from him. From the beginning my husband and I were opposites in many ways, but eventually it became apparent we wanted different things in life, and we each had different needs. My husband is very solitary and doesn't care for social events or outings. I am a very social creature and cannot live isolated. My husband was the strong-silent type, which eventually drove me nuts because I never felt close to him and it got harder and harder to be intimate with him. I would say on my part, the attraction for him died. But I probably would've stayed in the marriage, in spite of the emptiness because I was deathly afraid to be alone and on my own, having never done so after many years together. Then I met someone else and that's when I first began to really talk to my husband about what was missing. We even went to counseling, though it was mostly to ease my own guilt. I wanted to feel like I had tried to work on the marriage before I left. I had also hoped that perhaps I would fall in love with him again. It didn't happen that way. I still care about him, but I know I cannot be his wife anymore because I need to have more of a connection to someone if I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him. I hope this helps you out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): We can't tell you if he's having an affair or attracted to someone else orif he's experiencing a 'crisi' of some sort. But, I think your husbands behaviors are the 'result' of long time marriage dynamics, here. I am not blaming anyone here, but as you are the one, writing this posting, I am addressing the stresses that us women endure daily, keeping the family and home going by looking after the children, the home, her own career and trying to squeeze time in for her husband. We are all wonderful multi-taskers and sometimes we get so busy, we tend overlook the chain of events leading up to this. I know--I've been in your shoes. My husband and I grew apart, he was terribly unhappy. He and I simply got so busy with other aspects of our married life, we forgot to love and appreciate each other. And he recognized it first, before I did, So when he dropped the bomb--I was stunned! But in hindsight, I take 1/2 responsibility for the demise of my marriage. I see now where I could've helped the marriage and he does to. So one thing, I will say is his behavior is not the cause of the marital problems. Plainly as you suggested, there has been a lack of connection and the distancing that has been taking place for awhile. So I would not blame his actions or words on an affair, or the fact that he likes socializing with the boys. Just to add, I would also think if there was an affair or someone else he is attracted to, then he wouldn't be telling you "he wants to still work things out". He'd just up and go with no talk of working this through. He'd be gone.. He's plainly still has that sliver of commitment to you and his daughter but he's floundering. Marriage is damned hard work and it appears you and your husband have neglected each other. So take him up on his offer of trying to work this through. Admiration, appreciation , respect, communication needs to be rebuilt here. That is the only way to save this. You take the bull by the horns and get moving---call that counselor. Tell your husband you still deeply love him and you want to get help to repair the wedge that has occurred. Your daughter is depending on the both of you to continue giving her a happy life and a solid future. I think you both need counseling to find out where the root of the problem lies. But it's plain to see you both need to work hard and be happy again. Good luck and take care,hun.
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