A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,I come from a traditional indian family as many of you know the rules here are set on stone and you can't dream of changing it!I'm a hopeless romantic and someday want to be loved and 'in love'..I never really had a real relationship but I have dated a few which really led to nothing!I have completed my graduation and now working,but I feel there is soo much more I need to accomplish,so much more I need to explore and see,and my mom tells me that she wants to get me married in a years time and she will start searching for suitable grooms and if I like them I can go ahead!but I don't want her to search,I don't want to look at some superficially and then be forced to love him!I'm scared of arranged marriage I want to pick my soul mate!I have thought a couple of times breaking away from all this and leaving my family but they have given me soo much,especially my mom who has always been with me!I can't run and leave my family!like a relative of mine ran away got married to a british bloke and now her family has cut ties!I can't run away and break away from them,I tried talking to my mom today and she just said noo its time now!what do I do?I feel very sad and empty:(
View related questions:
soulmate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): @cindy you would think that times would change and honestly I have come across brave women who fought for their love and married their loved one and in return the family just disowned them!I honestly don't know how can someone take such an important decision,I ado agree I get to meet the guy and I can say no if I like,but why put me in that position in the first place!give me sometime and if I don't find the one then may be I just go in for arranged!I don't know if times will change but I sure do know when I have kids I will never impose such restrictions on her and chain her down,she will be making her own decisions whether right or wrong she's answerable,she'l always have my blessings!I'v dated but I never really felt the connection..but I'm still young and I'm not lucky yet in finding that person but I know someday I will there is noone now tho,sometimes I think if I met the right guy and my parents wouldn't agree,if the guy is with me I would still go ahead and get married to him and let my family decide if they want to forgive me or not cuz I will love them no matter what! But for me the situation is different,there is no guy in the picture right now neither do I see any potential relationships happening anytime soon!so I can't really do anything..
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 March 2013):
 Sigh... in theory, I have no hesitations, you should stand your ground and just say NO. They can't get you married until you keep say no, arranged marriaged are legal but forced ones aren't. And a family that's so oblivious and indifferent to your happiness and wellbeing and to your right to choose your future, to the point of blackmailing you with the threat of cutting ties if you don't do exactly what they want, well, to a Western mind , it is : who needs a family like that, better off without.
I agree with the point that romance and being in love aren't necessarily the best predictors or guarantees of a successful marriage or of a happily ever after. And that many arranged marriages end up with being very successful ( although the women have a different set of expectations than you, I think, their focus is more on prestige, security, raising children etc. than on romantic love ).
So, it's not because it is arranged that it's got to be necessarily lousy.
Yet, it's a matter of principle, and of dignity. You are an adult, you've got an education, you work and earn money- you can drive, you can vote, you can sign contracts, you can rent or sell property,- I don't see why you should not be allowed to choose in first person, without undue interferences, who will be your life companion hopefully forever.
There's a delightful book by Vikhram Seth , " A suitable boy " , the story plot is set in India in the early 50's and it depicts in details all the ups and downs, all the drama ( and the comedy too ) and the wheeling and deeling behind the arranged marriage of a girl in your situation, one that's not that sure she wants to get married to begin with...
Unluckily, 60 years later, apparently not much has changed. And unless some girls won't start saying " No thanks, with all due respect ,dear family, but my life is mine, my heart is mine, my BODY is mine, and I will choose to whom I will give it "... then in 60 years it will STILL be the same , and other girls will keep writing to Dear Cupid ( and the descendants of today's Aunts ) with a problem just like yours in 2013 or like Vikhram Seth's character in 1950.
All that, in theory. I realize that's easy for me to say that because nobody here is subjected to the pressure, social conditioning and possible ripercussions that you deal with, - it's easy to say to people " Be brave ! " when I personally don't risk anything :). I also understand if you'd say " sure, we need some brave women to change society, but ... do I have to be the first ?! "
So, at the end of the day ,I can only wish you the best of luck, and encourage you to stay as strong as you can, and to at least negotiate in order to be allowed to continue - and complete - your studies BEFORE you get married. Who knows maybe in your post grad classes you may even find " a suitable boy ", one that you can fancy but your family can approve too...
...............................
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (25 March 2013):
 I think your romantic nature is making you believe that your perfect soulmate is waiting out there for you to find him. I'm not saying that there is no such thing, but the dating world can be treacherous. You may meet men who pretend to be your soulmate and then abandon you. You may meet the right man and live happily ever after, but there is no guarantee. It will be a very big risk you will be taking to leave your family behind to find your soulmate, and it will be a lonely life.
Perhaps finding your "soulmate" is more representative of finding "yourself". You feel caged by these family expectations and obligations and what you really yearn for is the freedom to find out who you are and be who you are.
You just need to meet the guy who will make you feel free to express yourself and be yourself.
When I was in high school (a very long time ago), I had a friend who came from a traditional Indian family and she also had to go through the whole arranged marriage thing. She met several guys through her mom, and their parents would leave them alone in a room for a little while to get to know each other. The one whom she chose and ended up marrying made her feel extremely comfortable and told her that he really liked her, but if she doesn't like him, not to worry, he will spare her any kind of family humiliation by taking the blame for things not working out between them. He put her well being above his own. They have been happily married for 20 years and they have two kids.
You just never know where you will find your soulmate:)
I hope you find what you are looking for.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): I'm the original poster to this question,
My relatives are even worse,they will take this opportunity to put me down and praise their own daughters,its competition and its like we are not related!
I'v tried talking to mom and she's like I'm not stopping you from achieving anything,continue studies once u get married!
But I don't want to be married,I want to fall in lovve and be loves!:(
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): Hi, simple just find your soul mate and let him come home as if its arranged.
Problem is you just need to find a way to buy more time till you meet this special someone.
I am not anti arranged marriages and they generally have a better history of relationships working out.
Alternatively you could have the guys come home to see you, but you insist that if you fancy anyone, you want to get to know them first and want at least 6 months to decide.
You just need to learn to manage the situation.
...............................
A
male
reader, karmaguy  +, writes (25 March 2013):
Hi OP,
I can truly understand your situation as I'm from a traditional indian family. I feel you should really try to persuade your mom and treat her like a friend.
You should tell her that you want to do more in life career wise and that is everybody's right to find what they are looking for.
May be try to take the help of a relative who is modern and has influence on your parents. The idea of a love marriage if done in the right way is pretty exciting and passionate, arranged marriages are pretty boring.
Best of luck !!
...............................
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (25 March 2013):
you could try telling your mother that you want to be established in your career before marrying? or that you want to have some money saved up for when you marry? this will give you more time and hopefully, more freedom. good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): Wow, this sounds really hard. I am about your age (22) so I kind of understand how you're feeling. I have some strict Catholic relatives (my grandparents) who stopped talking to me this year after I moved in with my boyfriend, who I love. That made me feel awful, and sad, because I had always been close to them.Your situation sounds even harder because you would even have to cut ties with your parents. I know that sometimes arranged marriages work out--after living with a man, and getting to know him, you could fall in love with him. How are your parents? Do they love each other?However, it's possible that it wouldn't work out...and spending your life with someone you do not like would not be fun.Also, I respect that there are more things you want to do before you get married and have a family!I guess my advice would be...try talking to your family, and praying. You do not have to decide now, but when you do, have faith in yourself, that you are doing the best thing for you, to be happy. Good luck :)
...............................
|
