A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi, i have a problem with my boyfriend being friends with his ex. they were together for about four years and broke up about two years ago. she cheated on him and broke his heart. he says shes not a very nice person, very selfish and only talks about herself which he says bothers him. so i wonder why does he want to stay friends with her. he says he finds it hard to get people go out of his life. also it was his birthday recently and she text him a birthday message and said she loved him at the end. i cant say this ti him as i know i shouldnt have read his message. help this is really bothering me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): My current boyfriend dated a girl for about a year, about four years prior to the start of our relationship. He doesn't have feelings for her at all and has told me negative things about her (past drug abuse, mental illnesses, how he was sort-of ashamed to bring her home to his parents, so they never met her), but he's still OK if she wants to text him to say hi. This is because he's made peace with the break up and doesn't harbor any ill-will or anger to her because he's an adult. He would never hang out with her in person or initiate a conversation, but he's fine if she wants to say hi or tell him something about her life (like when she found out she was pregnant, or when her best friend passed away).
Part of this is being mature and another part is being content with his current life. If your boyfriend wanted to go back to her, he would. But he hasn't, and he hasn't for a few years!
Unless he is texting back that he loves her, too, and is initiating conversation or making plans to hang out with her, I don't see a reason to be worried.
As for you seeing the text message, you could mention it casually to your boyfriend. Tell him that he got a text and you glanced at it, but it made you uneasy that his ex was telling him she loves him. He might be mad that you looked at his text, but you will have to deal with that. Explain to him it's not something you do regularly, but it was his birthday and he had probably gotten lots of texts delivering him birthday wishes.
Best of luck!
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (8 September 2010):
She cheated, broke his heart, he says she's not nice, is selfish and talks about herself. Yet his only excuse is that he 'finds it hard to get people out of his life'
Bull. He still fancies her, but won't go back so has come to you. I'd think very carefully about whether you want to be with this guy. I don't think he can be totally committed to you while this ex is in his life. If had been a normal break up, I'd understand. But he claims she's nasty. So the only reason she's still in his life is because he still has something for her.
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