A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:After 2yrs 10months of trying to get over him, I finally decide to. The next day he calls. I'm really in a state of confusion. Well I'm with someone else, for a year and three months nos. I love my boyfriend. Maybe not as much as I love my ex. But I love him and I'm not a quitter so I want to stay with him. My question is, it's been almost 3yrs now. Why can't we both move on?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question*sigh* Thank you so much. I must confess that you just made things much easier for me. Yes, this was an emotionally intense relationship and it did end in a rush. There were issues that could have been resolved but I was tired of getting hurt and I felt I just couldn't do this anymore. So I ended it. And ever since then there were what ifs. A lot of them. Yes there was someone in the middle; his mom. But she passed on a year after the break up. Which, as you guessed, intensified the what ifs. I always tried to tell myself that I can not take this pain anymore whenever he comes back and asks to get back together. But that was much easier then, because he had no idea how I felt. But now he does, thanks to a friend who I mistakenly passed the comment to that my ex and I look so good together unlike he and this lady he's fallen for. And then he decided to play matchmaker by telling my ex that I still have feelings for him. This is really confusing because I decided that night after passing the comment to move on. And then the next morning my "fairy godfather" goes to work. I don't know, I know I'm not being fair to my current boyfriend because he's been a rebound all along and he has no idea. But the funny thing is I'm serious about this and the more I think this through the more I decide he's who I want. Yes he has his flaws, but he's who I want. But I don't have the courage to say that to my ex. I couldn't even tell him I'm dating. I really do need help ...
A
male
reader, Wheeler  +, writes (25 January 2016):
 Many times in these situations unresolved feelings for past bf's or gf's can be traced back to how the relationship ended. Did it end in a blaze of glory, with other people being brought into the middle? Did one of the two move away? Was cheating involved?
Whenever a relationship ends without any process by which the two people come to terms with what happened and why, there can be things the were left unresolved, or one or both parties can feel like, even though the relationship technically ended, that perhaps it shouldn't have, or perhaps whatever the problems were they could have been worked through. Many times people feel pressure from life, family, friends, etc. to end a relationship. They break up and the relationship is "officially" over.
Either way, the point is that the feelings for each other, and therefore in reality the relationship, never really ended.
This is even more true in those intense, emotional roller-coaster, hot and cold type relationships. We all know the type, and many of us have had the (mis)fortune of experiencing those relationships. That extremely high level of intensity is in most cases a bad thing.
After a high-intensity emotional roller-coaster type relationship, it can be VERY difficult to find satisfaction in a low key, or what some might accurately call NORMAL, relationship. Although it may seem boring in comparison, a healthy relationship has consistency and reliability as part of its foundation.
None of this may apply to you, or some of it may apply to you, but what I am getting at is the same.
Your focus needs to be understanding exactly why the relationship with your ex ended. Don't let the passing of time make your memories of that relationship now seem bright and glossy. We ALL do that.
Instead, take time to write down your thoughts. What, as best you can remember, was going through your head in the months or weeks leading up to the very big moment you knew it was over? What were the problems that had become too great to be overcome? What are the traits or parts of his character that you realized you didn't want in a significant other?
Or...did that ever happen? If not, what DID happen?
I can also give you my personal experience with a similar situation from my past. Everyone is different, and every relationship is different, but maybe something I have to say will be something you can relate to.
My first serious relationship in my first year of college was with a girl who had just moved in a few doors down from me. The same week she moved in she and her boyfriend of 4 years had broken up. They had one of those crazy, mutually abusive, extremely emotional relationships. He was 24 she was 19 (I know, right?).
I could write thirty paragraphs about what happened, but I will instead give this synopsis:
He went to jail, sentenced to 3-5 years. After briefly being friends she and I started dating. She lied about their relationship being over and continued to carry it on behind my back. I offered a stable, steady, and understanding relationship, but she was used to fireworks. After years of back and forth, he got out of jail and she went back to him. Then she got pregnant, grew up and decided he was not what she wanted in life, and moved on.
The important thing to know is this: Our relationship just never progressed. She was always holding back. In the back of my mind I knew that things were never resolved between her and her first love. And until it was resolved, she was never going to be able to fully give herself to another relationship. So no matter how many times we tried, it never worked. She needed to settle that before she could move on, regardless of how "good" the next guy was.
And the guy she needed to settle things with was not a "good" guy, and was not good for her. But that DIDN'T MATTER.
Take what you want from that, I have no idea what applies to you and what doesn't. Just know that it is not fair to either of the people you and your ex are dating if the two of you continue to hold out or give room in your heart for feelings for each other.
I know this is an incredibly difficult thing for your heart to go through, and that you want to do right by your current boyfriend. I hope the best for you as you figure it out!
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