A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:After 5 years I am still not over my ex. I miss her like nothing else and it's eating me alive: I have had heavy depressions over this. She was the womkan of my dreams.We always stayed somewhat in contact until a year ago I cut of all contact: this so I could heal. It was terrible but I didn't contact her. Then she called and sent emails wanting to be friends and I ignored her: but it kills me. She has gotten married (which she had hidden for three years, I found out myself) nd that shocked me: it sent me into a mmajor depression.Anyway: what must I do? I am in a terrible state and suffer from major depression.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the quick replies and also taking the time to write and give advices.The year of no contact was really hard and I sometimes feel the urge to write her but anger towards her have kept me from doing so.It also dawned on me that I am projecting a lot of my depression and loneliness on her, it's ME who can't pick up his life again, it's not 100% her fault.@BlackHearts: She hid it beacuse she said it wasn't my business although I asked several times if she was seeing someone. The answer was either: "It's none of your business" or: "I don't have time to date".@bluecrow: You're absolutly right: discovering her relationship/marriage was like starting from day one again.I picked up a hobby to keep me occupied. My heart isn't 100% in it but it gives you a goal and something to put your energy in. Hope this is a good substitute for the running/walking, which isn't my stick.
A
female
reader, bluecow  +, writes (1 December 2011):
 5 years is a very long time... but in reality its probably only been a year.You stayed in contact for 4 years which obviously kept all those feelings alive. Since you initiated no contact you have found out that she lied to you for a long time about her other relationships and has since got married. Its another betrayal all over again.As for actually helping you move on....My first suggestion is to do something on your wishlist. Think of something you have ALWAYS wanted to do and DO IT! It may be learning to scuba, taking up painting, learning to ballroom or getting a project car. Whatever you have always fancied go and do it now! You deserve to have fun, and the achievement you get from your new accomplishment will give you a big boost.From now on there are a couple of other things I would suggest... every day write down 5 GOOD things about the day. They could be teensy things (like not hitting snooze 5 times this morning), it doesnt matter. What matters is your recognition of 5 good aspects of the day. At the end of the week go out and treat yourself.... get a new album or dvd, bottle of wine, etc etcExcercise... every day you MUST go out and do something (outside as daylight and fresh air also help combat depression) which raises your heartbeat for half an hour. It could be a run, gardening or just a brisk walk. People dont like to hear it, but in all the studies done, excercise is much much more effective at beating depression than ANYTHING else.Talk to a professional about your depression, its nothing to be ashamed of and soon your depression will be going, you will be feeling so much better with new confidence and a new achievement/hobby!Wishing you all the best xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. Have you considered talking to someone? I think at some point in your healing you may meet someone else and fall in love again. I hope so. First you need to address the depression in whatever ways you can. Do exercise, eat well, force yourself to go out and interact with people in a low stress setting. Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): Wow, 5 years is a long time, I'm sorry you have felt like this for so long. The first steps of getting over someone is to cut all contact with them which is what you did, so that's good. However one whole year and still not over her isn't good.
I think it's probably her hiding the marriage thing that hurt you the most, it obviously came to you as a huge shock and it's just that horrible human nature thought of 'even though we were already over, I know it's completely over now'.
May I ask why she hid this from you? Did she do it so you wouldn't get hurt? Or did she want to keep in touch with you and knew if she told you you would cut contact with her? It seems a bit weird why she'd hide such a big thing.
It's vital for you to get over this woman, because if you carry on feeling more depressed over her you're seriously going to make yourself ill. You need to throw yourself out there again. Have you tried dating other women since you cut contact with her? It will help A LOT. As soon as you meet another woman you like, you will be completely over her.
You really need to move on and let her live her life. I would not advise you to stay friends, as staying friends with someone you love will ALWAYS make things harder and them feelings will probably never go away. I'd advise you not to listen to Adele 'Someone like you', too.
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