A
female
age
41-50,
*elseyMc
writes:I started dating my husband when I was 16, we dated for 8 years and were married for 10 and had three children together. In April 2015 he was killed in a car accident then he hit a moose. It turned my life upside down. He was the only guy I ever dated and we had an amazing relationship. I became very bitter and some what angry at some of the people closer to me , I guess it was my way of grieving. In June I started dating a guy from my town. I know who he was but didn't know him personally, he is 10 years older and recently divorced with two kids. I wasn't looking to date anyone we just randomly kept meeting in weird places (out running , he almost ran over my dog they got lose, he was in a parking lot when I locked my keys out of my car)we went out for coffee and just hit it off. We didn't tell anyone (my choice) a few weeks ago he asked me to go on a day trip and I said I didn't have a sitter so he suggested bringing the kids along and that we could stop at a zoo that was along the way. At first I panicked, I didn't want to rush my kids into meeting someone but after we talked I kinda felt right for them to meet. So we met him and his kids (who are teenager) and we spent the day together. Since telling my family I have gotten mixed reactions, my Inlaws thought it was to soon and were upset that allowed my kids to met him, my mom thought it was to soon and so did a friend . My sister was the only supportive one.Now I feel bad, I would never disrespect my husband or try to rush something or forget about him. I love him dearly but unfortunately he isn't coming back. We had a long serious talk about were our relationship was heading before I made the decision to allow my kids to met him. Should I have waited longer?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 September 2016):
 First, OP I am sorry for your loss.
Only YOU can decide if you are ready to date again or not. There are no rules (anymore) for how long a widow have to be in mourning. And being able to move on with life doesn't mean you didn't love your husband or aren't honoring his memory. People deal with grief in many ways, people process it in many ways and at different speeds. Me, personally? I don't think 18 months would be enough but that doesn't mean what you are doing is "wrong" in any aspect.
However, I'd wait a good 9-12 months before introducing a BF to the kids. The likelihood that you are both serious about being together is WAY higher at 9-12 months than it is at 3 months.
Talking about where a relationship is heading is good, but that doesn't mean it will work out, OR that you are a good fit.
What is the rush? It's OK for you to take it slow and decide if this man IS someone you can see yourself with, in 5-10-15 years. No need to try and make it an "instant" family.
Good luck
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 September 2016):
 You are doing right by your children and that is the main thing. I understand why you would worry about what others think, but sweetie you need to live your life, and you are right your husband would want you to be happy. Do what you feel is right. I wish you a great future.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 September 2016):
 First of all, I'm really sorry for you loss.
There are two things here, but I'll get to the main question you asked. Is it too soon to date??
The answer is Not At All. You are in control of your life, and in the end, you get that choice. Nothing you're doing is disrespecting the memory of your husband in any way. You fulfilled your vows to him, and dating someone else isn't besmirching him or his memory.
However, your kids are teenagers and their portion of your husband's estate needs to be protected for them. Don't fail to remember them if you remarry in the future.
The second issue is whether you should have had your kids meet this guy. I say it was TOO SOON. They may be teenagers, but divorce or death, introducing a new partner to your kids should be done when you are in a serious relationship with him, taking into account that your kids are grieving for their father who was taken from them way too soon. Don't go introducing them to guys in early stages of a relationship. Be mindful of their pain which is still acute.
So to sum up, you're fine to date this guy and see how it goes, but it was MUCH TOO SOON to introduce him to your kids, both from a grief standpoint and a stability one. A few weeks of dating is way too soon to be introducing.
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A
female
reader, KelseyMc +, writes (28 September 2016):
KelseyMc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you.
My kids are 6,8 and 10. We met as a group of friends going to the zoo so it's wasn't like I sat them down and said mommy has a boyfriend" I figure this way they can see him and met him a few times before things go further.
I don't except my Inlaws to love him. They are grieving their sons loss and j understand that completely. I honestly don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong but part of me worries what others think. I know my husband wouldn't want me sitting alone in our house crying over him nightly either.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (28 September 2016):
 I'm so sorry to hear you've had to go through that experience.
Remember, YOU'RE the one in the world on dating, YOU decide when you're ready to date, YOU decide who you're dating and YOU decide who your kids come and don't come into contact with.
If you feel ready for this kind of thing then it's fine, it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks or feels as long as you're happy. What does everybody else want you to do? Sit around in your house moping until they're all ready and feel like they've been able to move on? Nonsense.
You do your own think and continue st whatever pace you'd like to.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (28 September 2016):
 You didn't plan the death of your husband, and you didn't plan on meeting this new man at this time in your life. Life is what's happening, and there isn't a schedule to follow. Your priorities are to your children and to yourself. Your family will come to terms eventually, you're not doing anything wrong. Best wishes xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2016): My sincerest condolences on your loss, my dear. This is such a tricky question; because we each deal with our grief our own way. Deciding when we feel it's time to see others after the loss of your partner certainly depends. Your in-laws will think 10 years from now is still too soon. Their grief for the loss of their son does not dictate who you see and when. It may hurt their feelings; but it is none of their business. They may present a good argument on their behalf, but it really isn't up to them.
As for your kids? That's a delicate area, and greatly depends on their ages. From your description, that didn't go too badly. I personally couldn't bring myself to date until nearly three years after a 28-year relationship ended in my partner's death to cancer. Partially concerned on how it looks to others, and the rest just my personal guilt. I regret the possible relationships I could have had; because I met some wonderful men I later realized could have enriched my life in a big way. I shut-down my feelings, but it was for healthy reasons.
You didn't die, your husband died. The children should be the only ones you must consider when deciding to bring men into your life. Their grief should be considered, and exposure to all sorts of male personalities must be carefully considered. Their safety and emotional well-being is in your hands. As a good mother, you know that.
Other people can't make these decisions for you. Try as they may, there really isn't anything they can do but give their opinion and send you on a guilt-trip. It wasn't planned, and you haven't made any commitment. You're only dating. It's fine, and the children will have to gradually get used to it. You were wise, had a talk with him, and you know where things were going before introducing him to your children.
You don't need permission from his parents or yours. Everyone will get used to the idea in time, but it really doesn't matter whether they do or don't. Be gentle with your in-laws, and simply explain it is not in disrespect to the memory of their son, nor any indication of a lack of love for your dearly-departed husband. No further explanation is required, because you haven't done anything wrong. The less said about it the better. They will adjust.
You must not feel bad. It isn't like you went out and got engaged and planned an immediate wedding. That might be a bit hasty, but still up to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2016): I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband also passed away and I felt the same way you did. You should date if you feel you are ready. Moving on with your life is not being disrespectful and 18 months later is not at all rushing it.
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