A
female
age
36-40,
*eeley345
writes:m female, in my late 20's, attractive, intelligent,confident, well dressed and I have great hygiene. I have no problems meeting new people and being in large groups. I find interacting with other people easy. I don't suffer from any social anxieties.I started uni last year in the city where I live so did not have to relocate and adjust like most students. My house is 10mins away from uni and i've lived there for years. Before uni, i worked since I was 17 but lost my job 3 years ago due to bad health (which i've fully recovered from). Losing my job encouraged me to do what I always meant to do and that's further my education and get a good career. I'm going into my 2nd year at uni in sept and have made NO friends so far! I chit chat with people but that's it. There is no one i can really call a friend or confide in, have coffee with etc. At work and at college, i made friends easily and got on with alot of people. Workmates and college friends used to invite out and spend time with me but at Uni...no one seems interested. Could it be my age as i'm 10 years older than most of the people on my course? I have tried to be friendly with them (I'm naturally friendly anyway) so can't work out what the problem is? I appreciate i've got more life experience than them due to age and have dealt with alot of things in my life they might not have or are yet to.I'll admit whilst it's easy for me to make friends, i can't seem to keep them. They just disappear or let me down somehow. This has happened for years and there was a time in my late teens/early 20's when I was carefree and used to brush this off and remain happy and eager to make more friends. Now? I feel like i'm more cautious and tend to withdraw if people don't take to me. I don't brush things off as easily as I used to when i was younger.It's like I want friends but I am afraid to get hurt.....again and again. It seems to be a regular thing with me, being let down or dumped by people. That's a good way to describe it. Even my romantic relationships were the same. I meet someone, get the impression they like me or they say they are and then after a few weeks or months...Poof!!! They're gone and I can't say why exactly? I've been single for 4yrs now and to be honest, I love it! I really mean that so r/ships are not a priority it's that just decent friendships would be nice. Is it me i often wonder? I have seen a counsellor who is as baffled as me??? She did however point out that I'm an articulate person and very confident in my approach (but not snobby or offensive in anyway). All positives in her opinion. It's awful to be where I am. I have no one outside uni either apart from 1 friend. Most of my friends from over the years have their own lives now. We rarely see each other *sigh* Any advice? Sorry for the long post.
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female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (2 May 2013):
Keeley345 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMinnie73. Thanks soooo much for your post. We ARE going through very similar stuff friends wise. Your post made me smile and I felt a strong connection with your story. At least i'm not alone. The other posters identified what i felt was maybe why i was not making friends at uni... the age gap. I'm going to be 30 soon and that it a BIG age gap and most importantly is life experience. I've worked since i left high school, lived on my own and paid my own way in life. I've dealt with some awful things in life but managed to remain strong. Minnie73, yes i am genuinely happy being single. I have no hangups or resentment towards past romantic relationships.I had a gorgeous man ask me out just last week while i was out shopping, and while i thought he was sexy, i did not want to give up being single and told him how much i love being single. He looked at me strangely and said "You LOVE being single? Seriously?!" I guess that shocks people but hand on my heart, I am comfortable and happy being a bachelorette...lol I just wish i could find that same contentment in my friendships *sigh* I do like my own company and being alone sometimes does'nt bother me. It's just at times i'd like a friend to talk to, hang out with etc Thanks to all of you, your posts have given me alot to think about.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2013): Yes it is because you are 10 years older than everyone else. It isn't personal, you're simply not their peer. The 20's are a time of significant life changes. At the start of the decade you're just coming out of adolescence. B y the end of the decade you're supposed to be firmly established as an adult. In between is upheaval. This used to be what the teenage years were for but with more people going to college and uni that is delaying adulthood by another decade.
Therefore you being in your late 20s puts you in a very different world from those in their early 20s or under 20. you will fit in more with people in their 30s as the age differences matter less the further up you get. Therefore, look to people your age or slightly older for friendships. You will find this in the graduate students or the campus staff rather than typical undergraduate students.
FWIW I work in a uni as lab staff supervising undergrads and graduate students. They are worlds apart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2013): I stopped being hurt when I stopped having expectations from people. Now when I meet someone new, I don't expect them to be in my life forever. If they leave, I m not shocked or feel betrayed, I just note that another person came and left. You are still very young, but when you get to be even older, you will adapt a certain behavour toward people that will benefit you. I used to be involved a lot with my friends lives, not anymore. I don't want to be too close with many people, I like to keep distance, and see my friends not as often as before. I actually have about 5 girlfriends that I realy see like 5-6 times a year, and it works out perfectly. You can't live your life being affraid to get hurt. People get hurt all the time, and then they recover and go on, it's just a part of being alive. Kids in college who are 10 years younger than you hardly will be your friends 10 years difference is a huge difference at this age. You just need to find your crowd. Hobbies will help.
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A
female
reader, minnie73  +, writes (2 May 2013):
 Hi there, I'm not sure if I have any useful advice.. But i'll try as i'm in a similar situation. I too am a 25 year old female and struggle with the same problems. I don't think I'm too demanding or unreasonable however I always feel like my friends let me down or just don't make the effort. Many of my close friends are still my technically my friends however i feel like they all get into relationships or move away (which is fine) but then don't make much effort to stay in contact or just move on to better friends. It sucks because I'm a caring, interesting, real person and often get the impression my friends don't genuinely care about me. After years of wondering why and questioning if it was me.. I honestly just think it's bad luck. I used to think it was bad self esteem and people naturally avoided me because i didn't think i was worthy of their time, and it must have shown. Like now I am looking to go overseas and all my friends seem to have moved on with their lives, so i'm just going alone and hopefully going to open up a whole new chapter and hopefully meet new people that may surprise me. Just look at it this way.. You've probably experienced more than most people your age. Most people cross this bridge when they're 40 or 50 with grown up kids and no one to call. I've come to the conclusion I've experienced this early and you can only come out stronger, right? It's great that you don't need a partner, so many people are terrified of being alone these days and when it finally happens they aren't equipped to deal with it. You sound like a strong person.. Do what you love, be proud of who you are and the right people will come into your life. Eventually. Hope this helped, you aren't alone.
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A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (2 May 2013):
 Sadly, what you are going through is largely normal. As we age, it gets harder and harder to make friends. People start families, get married, focus on careers, and generally start heading in different directions. To compound matters, you are an older woman largely around younger people at the university. Theirs and your maturity levels are certainly different and that only compounds the problem.
Here are my suggestions:
1) Get involved in something outside of school. Hit the gym, find a social scene you like, go to social activities (plays, community events, etc). You will certainly find people there you can relate to and who share your passions and interests. You will find instant friends there.
2) Take the initiative in establishing relationships. This will take some courage, but be sure you actively look to continue friendships. Set up events and activities that you enjoy. If you treat people like acquaintances, you will solely be stuck in acquaintance land.
3) Part of living is risking getting hurt. Accept the fact that it isn't the end of the world, but an opportunity to grow and mature. Sure it still hurts, but through life's events (both good and bad) we truly find ourselves alive. Don't live in the shadows.
4) Compliment people. The easiest way to make friends is to stay something nice. Try making it a point to say something nice to someone every day. It doesn't have to be major or superficial, but by saying something nice, you instantly establish a connection.
I know it is rough -- I went through the same thing in mid twenties. I wish I had known about the suggestions I have given you -- I would've had a much happier and less lonely time during that period of my life.
Eddie
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