A
male
age
41-50,
*chlemm
writes:Hey all,I have a bit of a problem with my girlfriend of about 9 months. My problem is that I get the feeling that it's always about her and what she wants. To give an example, on Sundays, I go to church with her like she wants; and then I go out to dinner with her parents like she wants; then she wants to go shopping so we do that. When we get home, I want to watch TV or go on the computer, and she gets upset with me because whe wants me to give her more attention. And that's after Friday night and all day Saturday of doing similar things. This all came into the open on a vacation we just took. I'd like to say it was partly my vacation, but I'd be lying. I told her that I love her and her family and like doing things for her, but sometimes I need some time to pursue my own intersts and hobbies (maybe a day or so on the weekend here and there). She said she felt bad for keeping me from things, and that it was the same way with her only other boyfriend. I want to give her another chance now that she knows about it, but I have this feeling that if I end up with her, I'll be catering to her every wish and everything that I love will be last. I don't need the world. I just don't want to spend every Friday night and Saturday at the mall and every Sunday (all day) with her family.Anyone else have someone like this?Cheers,Schlemm Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Schlemm +, writes (11 July 2009):
Schlemm is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hey, I want to thank you all for your responses. They sound really reasonable, and troubledtoomuch and Boonbridge, I think you guys are right on.
She's got a lot of insecurity, but I don't think she'd ever admit it. I think there's other problems, too. She's only ever had one serious boyfriend, and they broke up almost 8 years ago. She hadn't had a date in 4 years before me. I think that she's been alone and catered to by her parents for so long that she has no idea how to compromise because she hasn't had to in a very long time.
We had the talk about ago about me needing some time for my interests, and she seems receptive to it. I've been on vacation with her and her family for the last week and didn't have access to a computer. Well, in my opinion, I came along on her and her family's vacation, anyway.
So far, I think the talk has goine in one ear and out the other, but I need to see what happens in a non-vacation situation. I agree with troubledtoomuch there needs to be a bit of a trial period to see how serious she is.
Thanks again for your insight, and hopefully this works out.
Cheers,
Schlemm
A
female
reader, myx shootingstar +, writes (11 July 2009):
 Well to be bluntly honest it sounds as if you are being a little selfish here. I mean I totally understand where you're coming from no doubt! But I mean isn't that the job of the partner? To make the other one happy? It sounds like she didn't really understand her behavior and thought that you enjoyed following her every desire. Girls need attention. Bottom line. But she sounds as if she would be pretty open to change and letting you have yr space. So discuss with her a plan. Seperation is a horrible idea for a minor issue that can be solved threw communication. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): I do not believe that spending 100% of your time with your partner is a recipe for a breakup at all. My wife and I have been married for over 23 years and have always spent 100% of our non-working time with each other. We go shopping together, we go out together and nearly everything else. The real problem is one of the partners dictating what the other will do.
For instance, my wife and I decide together what we want to do and then do it together. When we are home we do separate things, but we are still together. She reads a book or magazine and I read articles or forums on the computer. She has her computer and I have mine. I cook, she washes dishes. We do different things, but we are nearly always together, either in the house or out on vacation or around town.
Schlemm, your problem is not as much doing things together as it is doing only what she wants you to do. She is dictating her life and yours. It is all about her. My wife and I do things together because that is what both of us like to do. We like to shop together, including clothes buying. We both like to get the others opinion on the clothes that we buy, so it is not a problem. If partners do not like to do that then they should be allowed to shop alone or go out separately with friends. Different couples like to do things differently. There is no one size fits all rule on partnership.
My wife and I started dating at the ages of 34, about the same age as you. We got married at the ages of 40. When we were dating we would do things separately during the week and we would normally spend all weekend together. Sometimes we would go out with a group on Friday or Saturday night, but we would still be together all weekend and on some weekdays. That was for 4 years until she moved in with me. You are only 9 months into this relationship and she is already treating it like a long time marriage when people start to spend most of their time together. I think Boonridge is correct. It does sound like an insecurity problem on her part. She needs to feel secure and you are her security blanket.
Now that she knows the situation give it a couple of months to see what happens. If she allows you your time and stays that way then give it more time to see if it continues. However, if she gives you your time for a couple of weeks and then goes back to the way she is now then I think your only choice for your happiness is to consider leaving her. I don't like that solution, but sometimes it is the best solution for both partners.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (11 July 2009):
 this stems from her insecurity. she probably has issues with people leaving her and abandonment. if you know that this is going to cause you unhappiness long term and that although people say they will change its often difficult for them to do so, then you have to make a choice.
make the choice now not two wasted years in the future...
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (11 July 2009):
You've just got to start telling her that she should spend more time with her friends. Why can't she take them shopping?
Then you get a few hours to yourself / with your friends and she is happy.
You need to work out a less intensive routine.
Being with someone 100% of the time is a sure fire recipe for a break up because you start to lose yourself and become them.
Good Luck!! xx
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