A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Can two people be together long-term if they have different religion?I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years and I love him very much. He has some flaws but he is a good match for me physically and emotionally. we can talk for hours on end he is very sympathetic and compassionate towards me. I feel like he could be a great husband for me. He encourages me too reach for my dreams he is there for me in the hard times as a shoulder to cry on. He is a great partner and we want the same kind of Lifestyle we want to raise our children with the same value we are very compatible in every way.I've never felt this way about someone before. Recently he told me he has decided to become agnostic. But I have a religion and I want my kids to be introduced to My Religion to. He says that he has no problem with that because his family is from the same religion as me and he was raised that way, but he has a lot of resentment towards the religion that I am a part of. I feel like he does not respect my religion sometimes and it makes him angry when this religion is mentioned in any way.His family is a part of the religion that I am apart of and they debate all the time and it makes me uncomfortable.I do not judge him on his life choices and I wish that he did not judge me on mine.I don't know why it makes him angry? I do not like it because He always wants to talk about my religion and it makes me uncomfortable that he keeps bringing it up. I don't know if this relationship can work if he is so angry about this religion.When I asked him if he will begin to resent me for my belief, he says no and that he loves me no matter what. but I can tell it makes him angry and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable because that's not fair to him.How can I tell him that I need him to respect me as who I am the way I respect him as who he is ,without starting a big argument? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, spiritual butterfly  +, writes (7 August 2016):
Your faith is your business..Religious beliefs shouldn't divide people.You both love God via a different belief don't let it get in the way..keep your faiths separate and enjoy what you have...God doesn't divide and rule..the ego does..Acceptance is key..you may not see eye to eye on religion but it's a personal thing for each of you as is your taste In interests, clothes or food,,
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (6 August 2016):
 His parents have clearly used religion to punish him in potentially unfair ways, so that's why he's shutting down about it now. If everything else is good, maybe give it a few months. If he still won't have a calm conversation about it then, you probably need to break up.
For what it's worth, when raising children between parents with different religious views, it's important to let the child experience both growing up, so that they can choose and not get pigeonholed into one. All children should grow up knowing they have a choice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2016): I was once like your BF; I was angry at my mother and her religion because of how I was treated as a child in the name of religion (I wasn't abused or anything, but my boundaries and privacy were violated). For a large part of my adult life even the mention of God would ignite an intense fury within me. I identified as agnostic, myself because I believe in a higher power but at the time I knew I didn't believe in the same thing as my other, but I didn't know what to believe in. The thing that quelled the anger in me, ironically was religion. I studied dozens of religions until I found one that resonated with me, and after practicing for a while, I found that I began to sympathize with my mother and her religion, even if I still don't agree with her methods.
I think, since you said your BF has only recently decided to be agnostic, his anger is stemming from his confusion and possible resentment towards his family.
If everything is as good as you say, and you are comfortable talking with him, perhaps you could have a discussion with him about why he might feel so angry about religion and maybe encourage him to do some research on other religions if he feels a void in that area.
If you are not comfortable talking with him about this, then that is a pretty big red flag, and you should be aware that something that big is difficult to overcome without proper, healthy communication.
People with differing religious views can absolutely make good partners and work through their differences, so long as both parties are understanding and willing to put in the effort.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2016): Hello I am the asker. And I am a Christian non dominational. I have asked why he is resentful towards this religion. The story he tells me is that he was a Christian as a child and he enjoyed the religion.But after he got older he didn't wanna be like his family because his parents irritate him badly.He feels they want him to be perfect and he hates it.I try to ask him more but he shuts down and gets very emotional. I know something has hurt him but he won't tell me what happened.
I understand his point of view but his anger is noticeable when I want to go church to talk to people who have my point of view.He says I'm shutting him out to make new Christian friends and I'm not including him.I'm trying to do that I'm just living my life and I'd invite him but I know he'd be upset in a church. So I don't know how to do this. I know it would break his heart if I left the relationship. I appreciate all the advice from all of you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2016): @ DarrylG, in the unlikely scenario that OP is Jewish, then she would already know that anyone born to a Jewish mother, regardless of personal beliefs, is considered Jewish according to the religion. So, there's no need to worry about yoking incorrectly. Traditional Judaism is simple: you need to marry a member of the Tribe (someone with a Jewiah mother), regardless of his/her faith.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 August 2016):
 I think your best bet would be to talk to your priest, pastor, rabbi, mullah (whichever fits YOUR religion/faith).
I don't really see how this can work long term, IF you want your children to grow up with your religion and he is VERY anti-your religion. How would that work in reality?
And just a little FYI... Agnostics are not anti ANY religion. So him calling himself an agnostic? isn't entirely correct.
I'm not saying that a religious person and a non-religious person can't make it work, but I DO think if ONE of them is a practicing religious person and the other is not, it COMPLICATES things.
I have seem several couples with issues of religion and how to raise kids. One thing is how people THINK about BEFORE the kids, it's a whole other ball game once the kids are there.
I think religion is such a FUNDAMENTAL part of people's life and how they live it. And I do think it's something that is VERY hard to compromise on. Specially when you have someone who have lost his faith or simply rejected it.
People who CAN make it work also have tremendous respect for each other. Your BF doesn't seem to have much respect for you.
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A
male
reader, DarrellG +, writes (5 August 2016):
 Well my first piece of advice would be to consult Scripture. Essentially your bf is an unbeliever, and if your Christian, then yoking to an unbeliever is Scripturally speaking ok, indeed provision is made for it in that the believing partner sanctifies the non-believing one through their faith if you read Paul carefully. As long as you dont allow his lack of faith to overcome your faith of course....in which case it is distinctly not ok. Of course, you may not be a Christian and if your not then Scriptually speaking what I can say is limited, unless your Jewish in which case id say Scriptually speaking your probably not ok because numerous times in the OT yoking to people outside the people of Israel is roundly condemned. Moving onto the wider issue - your religion and your faith will doubtless be a part of you and you will keep it close to your heart which is all well and good and I dont think you can afford to skirt around this issue. You need to remind him of that fact and firmly, but lovingly, tell him to wind his neck in. Im not sure you can "avoid a big argument" in that if hes determined to have one you need to be willing to endure that to a degree to make your perfectly fair point. You say you dont know why he is so angry about your religion but have you actually talked to him about it and allowed him to vent his feelings? That may be one way of at least taking the sting out of the conversation for a start because it will help you understand him and you can hopefully get some understanding in return. Maybe start the conversation that way and then introduce your feelings but dont back down to avoid a row. You need to assert your right to some respect here. Good luck.
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female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (5 August 2016):
 Yes of course two people can make it work who have different cultures, religion, or political views. It's all base on whether both desire, respect, and love each other. And whether there is that strong emotional and physical attraction which you stated you and your boyfriend has. I know couples who have different skin color and are crazy about each other. It even makes their attraction stronger because our differences can also stir strong sexual attraction. I know a couple who have different political views, I'm talking husband is a ultra conservative and wife is very liberal but after they vote, they head into the car and kiss and hold hands and grocery shop and raise their kids. They can let all those differences go and come together, and even feel an intense closeness..they have the best marriage and both know it's unshakable regardless of their political differences. In terms of religion, it matters just like everything matters but if you love and respect each other it can work. You have to be open to each other, to listen and nor be offended, to still feel that emotional closeness even if their small disagreements. I'm an atheist and I have dated muslims, Christians, Buddhist, Jewish, agnostics, skeptics, etc...doesn't after. What mattered I realize was whether I respected them and felt respected, whether we both had desire to be together, how strong was our attraction, did he text me and kept communication open ? When we kiss , does he stir my desire? Does he make me feel safe and loved? All these are independent of our religion, skin color and political views. I think the problem here you is guys can make it work but his religion has done something that hurt him. Don't undervalue what he is telling you. Because he's your man, validate his feelings. Tell him you understand. Kiss and hug him..then open your heart and tell him why your values and beliefs accept and love him as he is. And that you also hope he can love you as you areGood luck.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (5 August 2016):
You can't. We don't know what religion you are, so we can't begin to estimate why he resents it, but it could bee he no longer wants or needs religion in his life and his family pushed him into it, so now he is angry about it.
If this is a recent thing, it could die down and he'll stop bringing it up, but it could also be something he'll never be neutral on - in which case, it wouldn't work between you.
Just tell him you need him to stop bringing it up because you're allowed to have your faith respected, just like he's able to be respected with no religious beliefs.
Put off children and marriage until you know he's over the anger stage.
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