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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I've been seeing this girl for 4 months now, I'm 33 and she's 27.We've gotten quite serious, we're madly in love and she has more or less moved in with me.One of the strengths of this relationship over past relationships of mine is that we can talk pretty much anything over, come to an understanding and move on.However, I recently learned that from time to time when she's out partying she will do cocaine with her friends.Now I've been around drugs before, although I've never done cocaine, and will occasionally smoke a little pot.She swears to me that it's only recreational and that although at one point she did do it fairly often that it's only once in a while these days.Somehow I was sure I wouldn't have a problem with it but then last saturday we'd spent the whole day together and had a wonderful evening with a nice meal followed by sipping wine on the couch and talking. She'd been down with the flu for a while before hand so we had decided that we'd just be taking it easy this weekend so she could properly recuperate. Besides, I treasured the thought of just spending a bit of quality alone time.Then later that night her best friend asks if she could come over and I was fine with that. She comes over and isn't exactly entertained by sitting around with just the two of us and mentioned that she's been invited to one of her friends who lives just a street over from us. She asks if we want to come with her and my girlfriend says that she'll come if I come along. I decided that we should go for a little bit but am adamant in that we'll just go for a little bit and not drink to much to take care that my girlfriend wouldn't get sick again.Once we're there we sit around for a while and then my girlfriend asks me out onto the balcony to have a cigarette. Once there she tells me that her friend and a friend of her friend had asked her to call her dealer (a friend of hers for 10 years but also someone she was sleeping with not to long ago) to score some coke for them and that she'd done just that. I wasn't super excited about it and it seems to me that a lot of her friends use her as a go between for this kinda of stuff all the time, not something I'm a fan of and I've told her as much. All the same, I appreciated her being honest with me about it and from what she told me she'd made it pretty clear to them that she wasn't going to be involved in this in any way other than calling the guy.The guy comes over, I'd met him once before and he's friendly enough, and once the standard greetings are over it's down to business. The people who were wanting to score all go up to the upper level of the apartment and then I watch as my girlfriend, kind of hesitantly as if unsure as what to do, follows them up. And there I sit, at a party with people I hardly know, by myself for about 15 minutes while they conduct their business. Very shortly after one of the girls comes down, then one of the guys and among the last people to come downstairs is my girlfriend along with the dealer. She comes and sits down by me but still kinda turned away from me and supposedly wrapped in conversation hardly acknowledges me. I could almost instantly tell that she'd done some with them in the time that she was upstairs as her mood and overall composure was different from what it had been before she went upstairs.I was disappointed for several reasons.1) I had no idea she had any intention of doing coke there and didn't really think we were gonna be partying.2) She disappeared and just left me sitting there with only a vague idea of what was going on. Although I had no interest in taking part I wasn't invited.3) I felt like I was being lied to because although she never specifically told me she wouldn't be doing coke once the guy got there she gave the impression that she didn't want any part of it either.4) She was off, sneaking around, doing drugs with some dude I know she has history with while I was left sitting there.I started talking about all this with her right there and then and she was all apologies and justifications but as we were talking we got news that our friends had been in a rather serious car accident so we just dropped the conversation and focused on that for the rest of the night and the following day.Yesterday I finally got the chance to raise the subject again and we talked it through. She apologized and assures me that this is not a regular thing, that it's occasional and that she can say no to it when she wants to and has done so on several occasions. We also discussed the dealer and their past and she tells me she wants nothing to do with him besides remaining his friend even though she also told me that she doesn't really trust him and thinks he can be two-faced and deceiving.I told her my issues with the scenario and my worries and lack of understanding regarding the cocaine use. As I said, I've had people around me before doing all sorts of drug even though I haven't been very interested in them myself aside from the occasional marijuana joint and it's never bothered me.But now even though we've talked it through and I thought I was fine with it it still bothers me. I love this girl and in so many ways I trust her completely but now for some reason I find that trust wavering. I want to trust her but somehow I've got a gut feeling that when it comes to this I might be left in the dark in many ways.I definitely don't want to try and ban her from doing it because that's not the way I am. I also have no expectations that she'll change who she is for me and feel that if this is something she wants to do she'll do it no matter. I'm just wondering if I can find any peace with this and how. It'd be such a shame for something as good as we have to fall apart over something like this.As I said, I thought we'd put it to rest last night but still this morning I find it bothering me and it's really uncomfortable.Thoughts anyone?
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best friend, drugs, move on, moved in Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (7 March 2012):
 OP, I know many functional alcoholics that don’t drink every day… my fiancé included. Doesn’t mean he’s not an alcoholic. Doesn’t mean he’s not an addict with addict behaviors…. She uses cocaine if not daily on a regular basis and was willing to DISRESPECT you at a party in order to use….
If I didn’t have some of my drugs of choice available (not saying they are legal or illegal but they are things that I am addicted to) I would survive but much like your gf if they are available I will use them…. (food comes to mind for me as that’s my primary drug of choice)…. I KNOW what to eat to lose the 15 pounds I want to lose.. I DO NOT do it because those pretzels are there and they are yummy and well I’m not dying from them… right? And it’s not every day right? And I can walk away when I want to right? NO I can’t…that’s why I had to have gastric bypass… because JUST say NO does not work for everyone.
IF you choose to stay with an addict I strongly suggest Al-Anon for you as a starting point for support groups.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): POSTER:
Lets get the facts straight in all of this. She's and addict and therefore unhealthy and untrustworthy.
Expecting her to be reliable, honest, and healthy and NOT HURT YOU (she hurts herself for cripes sakes!) is your error.
Own up to you choose to date and then remain in a relationship with such a woman.
End it, seek therapy, get healthier yourself and you will make healthier choices.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): Ok, perhaps I don't understand cocaine addiction well enough because I am confident that she doesn't use on a daily basis. Neither is there no way she could without it coming to my attention nor could she ever afford it. Nor does she use every weekend or every time she goes out. I believe her when she says it's an occasional thing. As I understand it and from what I've seen around me there is such a thing as a recreational user who can take it or leave it as they please. I know in any case that my own cannabis use is entirely on a take it or leave it basis and, honestly, most times I leave it.
However, I think my worry here is that it isn't "take it or leave it" for her. That while she only does it "occasionally" that when opportunity presents itself that she can't really leave it and that to some extent in an, perhaps subconscious, attempt to fool herself about her habit jumps at chances to be an "innocent bystander" by part-taking in scenarios such as being a "go-between".
I think I'll approach this with serenity and see what happens. I love this girl and in every other matter we're honest and open and talk things through. I just hope this won't end up breaking my heart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): Addicts LIE. They downplay and say its harmless. This is a chemical drug. Recreational My ARSE!You are already falling for the oldest lie around for addicts to use. Now why are you so ready to cling to that lie?The problem is you went from making a commitment to yourselves to stay in and spend time with one another.The first breaking of this commitment is inviting over a friend. You made incessions all along that evening and then try to tell us you didn't think she would do coke? She's an addict.You allowed her to go up the stairs. You yourself failed to stand up and say, lets go. So don't play a victim that was neglected in all of this. You failed your duty to keep her at home, like you wanted and promised in the first place.I think you are in this relationship because you like self sabotaging yourself.I am someone who has a strong stance against such things and as soon as I get news of such things - that person is gone.I suggest you both head to counselling ASAP. So you both can get healthier to make wiser life decisions.Otherwise it will play out the way you let that night play out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): Thank you for your answer "worldywise".I find it very hard to believe that she arranged for her friend to come over for this specific reason.If she wanted to go out with her friend specifically to do cocaine she had no reason to involve me in anyway as I had said prior to going to the party that they could go by themselves if they wanted as I could easily find myself something else to do but she insisted that she'd only go there if I came along.I have little doubt that her friend knew there'd be cocaine on the table and also strongly suspect that her contacts were perhaps not the only reason but definitely a reason for wanting her to come in the first place. My main grievance and worry is that once it's on offer she can't say no and the fact that I felt somewhat in the dark and left out. As I said, I had no idea we'd be taking the party to that level and despite never having done it myself find it hard to believe that anyone would do it unless they felt like partying and/or had a hard time saying no once it's in front of them.My experiences with drugs has been that if I'm not in the mood, situation or company that I'm comfortable doing them in (ie. don't feel like it) I quite easily and politely decline if offered.I doubt she orchestrated the whole scenario just to do it as, like I said, she could have easily either left me out of it or just been honest about it from the start had that been the case. I fear that the fact that she found herself in the situation and couldn't easily handle it is were the deception and justifications might start wether she realizes it herself or not. That is very worrying to me. I am going to see how things progress and see if this was an isolated incidence or if this will be a reoccurring theme in which case I'll deal with it accordingly. It's just the fact that it gnaws at me while I'm doing that which bothers me. I don't want to lose this girl but now I'm becoming terrified that somehow she'll end up hurting me :\
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 March 2012):
 Yes. Here are my thoughts.... and they stem from this piece of your submittal: "...All the same, I appreciated her being honest with me..."As I see it, this girl really IS cocaine addicted.... since she continues to return to its lure. YOU justify her behaviour with: "All the same, I appreciated her being honest with me..."She is placing herself - both her physical well-being, AND her legal self - in jeopardy, constantly, by being her friends' go-between (calling the coke dealer)... and YOU justify her behavious with: "...All the same, I appreciated her being honest with me..."AND, since you're hanging around her, you are placing YOURSELF in legal jeopardy... all the while justifying that with: "...All the same, I appreciated her being honest with me ."If she ever comes to you and says, "Honey, I'm going with my friends to commit a murder tonight"... are you going to justify that with: "...All the same, I appreciated her being honest with me..."Think twice about continuing to spend time with this woman...
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): I don't trust anyone that has any dealings with drugs.
Call me a sceptic but I think she arranged for her friend to come over,giving her the excuse to go to the party.It all sounds a bit conveniant and thought out. If she's the one that contacts the dealer then they need her.Plus she wanted something herself.
People who are into drugs tend to stick together,its like a clique,the only way to get out of the lifestyle is to cut contact with other users.Be they recreational or addicts.
It would be a shame if it falls apart for you two, but ultimately it's down to her to resist temptation.
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