A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello all, I met a guy several months ago. We started seeing each other because we liked each other's personalities, despite the fact that we are both busy and it is often difficult to see one another. We have a good relationship besides a few minor disagreements that could be/have been worked out. But, there is one thing that bothers me. He works with a lot of young people due to his job and activities that he has been involved in for several years. He is nearly 30... and yet, he still hangs out with college and even a few high school students. He sees them outside of work and they comprise most of his friend group. I find this bizarre. In fact, I think it is a deal breaker. I don't think he's a paedophile, but I don't think he realizes that that age gap is beginning to look creepy. I don't want to have to explain to people why my 30 year old boyfriend's friends are all teenagers or barely more than that. My question is, how on earth do I bring this up without looking hateful and judgemental? Or, should I bring it up at all? I'm not sure if I should ask him if he has any intention of making friends more his age, or if I should just break things off rather than asking him to dump the majority of his friend group. Can someone give me some suggestions? I have no idea how to handle this as I have never encountered anything like this in a relationship before. Thanks! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (12 July 2016):
You can not come into someone's life and boss into who you think he should or should not be friends with. It sounds like part of his career revolves around a younger crowd so it can't be helped. And if he loves what he is doing and such, why the need for him to leave? Why should he stop this just so you can explain better to people who actually don't care about you? If it bothers you then either accept it or leave. If you aren't mature enough to handle a situation like this it would best to just leave because you don't accept him for who he is and you can not turn someone into something they are not. Many women try, and they all fail. This isn't something new, you choose to date him way before you both got serious.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 July 2016):
 If it does not feel right to you and it is a deal breaker well then I suggest just finishing with him. I don't know what good it would do talking to him about his friends who are younger than him because he is going to think you are judging him and being controlling.
You mentioned the word pedophile which did alert me a little, however you do say most off his friends are in college, therefore they would technically be adults. It is okay to be honest with him and tell him you find it weird. But my guess is that he maybe has a lot in common with younger people? Maybe gaming or nights out? Maybe he is not ready to be an adult just yet.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (11 July 2016):
 I read your post and was prepared to answer, when I read it again, and I got a completely different take on it...
On the surface, my first reaction was - what crime is he committing? He seemed like a guy who hadn't matured past the point of the college scene, or didn't want to admit that he's gotten older.
On my second readthrough, one thing popped out really strong for me -if something feels "off", don't dismiss it. So many women get hurt because they dismiss that "off" feeling.
If something about him is making your "lizard brain" go off, then you need to break the deal and move on. Everything on the surface could look great and fine, and he could be just some "man-boy" sort, but remember, Jared Fogle got exposed and taken down by a woman who worked with him who felt "off". If she had ignored it, many children would have gotten hurt.
I'm not saying the guy you're with is a pedophile, but then again, YOU brought up that world, and that speaks volumes.
Some people choose professions because of access, such as Jerry Sandusky. In his case, too many people ignored the "off" feeling, and I don't even need to finish that story.
I would talk to him and see what's going in his mind. Just play cool and talk about what you notice.
Or not. But whatever you do, do NOT ever ever EVER ignore an "off" feeling when it comes to anyone.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 July 2016):
 Do you think it's realistic that he "dumps" all his younger friends?
Secondly, how is it your "job" to police who he befriends and hangs out with? You are dating him, not raising him.
Now, I get it seems a bit odd for a 30 year old has younger friends, bu given his job I can kind of see why, though I do think it also shows his inability to befriend peers rather than students. Or maybe his unwillingness to have friends his own age, because then... he would have to "act" his age. He wouldn't perhaps have the same cool status with peers as he does with younger students.
You could bring up that you find it a little unprofessional (because it is) that he as a teacher also cultivates "friends" in his students. I think it's a LOT more unprofessional than inappropriate.
But again, is this really a guy you can see yourself with long term, given what you know about him?
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