A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello would appreciate your take on my problem. I was stupid enough to become involved in an affair with a woman who was already in a relationship. It was me who pursued her and she was equally at fault for giving me encouragement. I knew that there was something missing in her present relationship.They are not married, co habiting or have kids. He is a few years older me an i am similar age to her. i am very easy going not jelous type he is opposite, controlling and I think bullying demanding her time etc. Now she is very attractive and gets lots of attention and he spoils her rotten. She is a brat.I have found this out because she is now having her cake and eating it!Now the cycle of the affair. Four months flirting texting popping round for odd brew. Then it built up and became sexual and it was the best for us both tension/apprehension/chemistry.A month later guilty concience. Lets just be friends on her part. I call we have a good laugh I agree just friends then two days later after a couple of texts she sends him home from hers and im round like a shot and we are at it like rabbits. Then shes so into me. a week later she goes cold again/anxiety/guilt. This cycle continues but with longer breaks better sex. This has gone on for 9 months! When we are apart we miss each other so get in touch get on great and cos of attraction we are off again. Now we have hit crunch time. She went on holiday with him and after her return i contacted her and we meet have an amazing time two weeks later a second holiday that he booked with his friends and their other halves (he is controling). Five mins after getting home she is textin how much she wants to see me. We agree two days later. then on the day cold feet anxeity. She does come round amazing time again. She then leaves to go see him! As It was a compromise as she was supposed to go see him when she was at mine!!! Two days later she is constantly phoning texting! I am now pissed off ignore her 20 call/texts. Call her next day she is pissed off with me herself the whole thing. I apologise when I know i shouldent. Strained week had by us both we are both in a bit of a mess. I try callin after a week. She is now ignoring me! I just text her a big puttin me feelings on the line telling her it could be different/no fighting games etc but its up to her/thought she could be the one etc but guess she doesnt feel the same but know she carnt tell me that etc. No reply! i miss her so think we can be friends so text her 'friends' she responds. We then exchange texts over a weekend but we both sense we shouldent cos the text range from missing you etc being full of herself one day to next day her calling me a toe rag me saying i celebrated our anniversary of meeting by throwing darts at the calander and then text tennis the next day. Whats going on?then going distant again? I call one night to pick up some of my stuff as im passing by after working away no reply. So i text im passing through immediate response her sis is round. No worries. Half hour later shes kicked her out wants me to pop round get stuff! I am home so call chat shes glad i got back in touch then i turned and just started saying this is wrong we shouldent be speaking etc that its wrong but right she really panics saying its wrong she has a boyfriend! then cuts me off saying we will speask in days. Text ten mins later saying she carnt deal wiv being friends no contact. I text another big text saying how it could be different. No reply. Text to apologise next day she responds! But to say friends doesnt work she cares but has been playing dangerous game sorry to have hurt me no contact. I reply not to worry hope shes ok etc. She replies thanks for being undersatnding etc. A week later she breaks the no contact rule! saying shes feeling very sad! So I call we chat for an hour have a laugh get on but bottom line is she has boyfriend we are both not bad but if i wanted to marry her and have her kids i couldent invite her bfriend along he he. Ask how their gettin along and she admitts trying to split with him the other week but that created probs and it looks like shes stuck wiv him. Tell her i miss kissing her.Text tennis starts again her telling me she misses kissing me to! straight after the call! I ignore her as back to square one an i dont want us to hurt again as we are friends as well but the other side cannot be ignored. Next day another text asking if im ok? Ignore. Another being a bit cheeky I stupidly respond. She is chasing me now? Anyhow to stop this I just text that I had to leave knew she understood why to take care and not forget me. I get panicky response saying do i seriously not want her to contact me? I havent replied. Two weeks later nothing still. I do love this girl and have told her im in it for the long haul etc and i know she sits dwelling on me texts where i have poured out my heart but has still not left him. I decided to end the cycle cos it has gone on long enough and while she is chasin its the best thing to do when she is fighting with her fella and cos she wants me and will realise she now cannot have her cake and eat it and will have to make some decisions. Help cos i love this girl and know she will be wondering what im dooing being single and said im moving on but she knows i want her but she is unavailable. Know she wants me too but prob on her own terms which i can no longer give. She gets jelous cos i am single, I get jelous cos she has a boyfriend told her! Will love if there force her arm? I am a very emotional person but very strong as well part of the attraction. Dont think she bargained on me being this strong though! Do you think this is the best decision i have pulled her security blanket out when she was thinking truly of me not him? I know i carnt contact now cos i will look stupid even though i can guarantee we both miss each other but nothing has changed when i have been there for her, its only when i have not that she has remotley tried to address her relationship probs with him and they fight but she is weak. Guess i'll have to sit tight with my pride intact just rather than chasing after her. What do you guys think she will do now? How can she still be with him? Do you think this will force her to decide? Help as i cannot do this no more and need to move on. Even if nothing changes I know she wont forget me.Thanks...
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affair, anniversary, flirt, has a boyfriend, kissing, move on, on holiday, she has a boyfriend, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): Get real - you're living a lie. She's cheating on her partner with you - doesn't that make you feel guilty?You're both doing something that is very wrong. Move on. You can be happy with someone who's completely yours - because they don't have anyone else - it can never be a satisfying, healthy relationship otherwise. Sure, maybe the physical side your "relationship" is fantastic now and may continue to be that way, while there is a rush with it - but its NOT healthy nor is right! Right now, you're just as bad as she is for allowing this unfaithful behaviour to go on. Sure he might be a jerk, but she has a choice to get out of it - if she stays with him, that's her choice and clearly she's not going to leave him for you, otherwise she'd have done it. Move on, you can do better with someone else who's single.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (18 November 2007):
 The big problem is that you play this game as if you deserve to be in the picture. You have to understand that you deserve nothing. You are not entitled to anything. You and her are in the wrong. You get what ever scraps she gives you and that is it. No questions or complaints. You're with another man's wife. Where is the integrity? No matter what she says to you...wrong is wrong. The only thing you deserve is the opportunity to be happy with a single woman.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (18 November 2007):
 How in the heck can you tolerate this game playing relationship. I can see the thrill of the chase but this is insane. My self esteem would not be able to handle this and I don't know why you would want to put yourself through it either. Don't you want a normal relationship with someone who is all yours? Even if she leaves her boyfriend for you do you think you could trust her? She doesn't sound like a good catch to me. Move on.
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