A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone,I have been struggling with a question and need to hear some opinions from others. My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for a good number of years. Four years ago, he started a job in a different country (halfway across the world) which effectively put us into a long distance relationship. He's a very private individual and doesn't talk much about the things that go on in his life, so needless to say, he didn't mention me a lot to the people he became friends with. One of these friends was a girl, we'll call her Fran. I apologize for the long story, but I need to backtrack to explain my issue and my question.Fran is a nice girl, smart and very willing to help others, especially my boyfriend. Sometimes, and this is a flaw that my boyfriend has already admitted and has since changed, my boyfriend likes to make use of his resources. Such as free rides to the grocery shops or school from people, or finding friends to help him out with projects or moving. Now, this isn't really a huge deal, but my boyfriend had Fran run a lot of errands for him because she lived rather close to his place and he had no car at the time. Shortly after I came, my boyfriend got a car and no longer asks her for rides. Before you think anything happened between them, nothing did and he even mentioned me to her before. For her help, he would treat her to coffee or to meals. My boyfriend never saw Fran as anything other than just his friend. Fran, on the other hand, did not realize this. To be honest, the first time I heard of Fran, I was already wondering if she liked my boyfriend. He always said no, but you know.. female intuition? It became much clearer when I moved over to the same country to attend graduate school as well. I had thought Fran knew that we had been dating, but she apparently forgot. Her immediate reaction was to send my boyfriend an email two days later telling him that she did not want to be friends anymore. I did not blame her reaction as I felt that it was my boyfriend who failed to make sure Fran knew about us. So they talked it out and I found out from my boyfriend that Fran had said I was rubbing my relationship in her face. What I had said was that it was hard to be away from my boyfriend for so long and that I was grateful he had a friend like her to take care of him. I had also thanked her for lending her support to him. So I was very unhappy to know that she had thought that I was trying to make her feel jealous, when I had genuinely felt she was a fantastic friend. And to make matters worse, my boyfriend agreed with her and said that I should watch what I say.I'm not a person who likes to judge people by their covers. I do not, in any way, consider myself as a knockout or extremely beautiful, but because I know people may assume that my boyfriend might be attracted to her physically, I just want to say that she's average. She's a large girl and sadly has no beauty in her features. My boyfriend has also admitted she is not pretty, but still views her as a good friend. I have NOTHING wrong with average looking or larger people, so please don't think that I'm trying to insult her, I'm just trying to make the fact clear that she is not physically attractive to my boyfriend. I completely agree with the statement that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" and would NOT be surprised if someone was attracted to her, but as of this moment, to her male colleagues, she is "not hot". As time progressed, I thought this drama was over, but no - she would write emails to him or text messages stating things like she was afraid I would attack her in public or that he needed to explain why he choose me over her (when he had obviously not met her when we started dating). She would talk about how there were rumours spreading about them being boyfriend and girlfriend (which I suspect she was initiating or at least happy about), or that they fought like a couple. Of course I was concerned about his loyalty to me, but he always talked to her about her questions but made it clear that she was overthinking and that he was loyal to me. She always backed off afterwards.The issue I'm having is the fact that she still calls, emails or messages him. Like at 11 PM, she would call him and say she was around his area and if he would like to have coffee. I know I'm probably just being sensitive, but I feel like she's slightly deluded - as in she thinks she stands a chance in trying to knock me off my "position". I have issues with her constantly questioning where my boyfriend is or what he is doing. Or the fact that she throws tantrums or snide remarks when she thinks he's ignoring her (and sometimes he is). She would also make remarks about how he is jealous about her going out with other guys when he doesn't care. The main problem is that I can't get her out of my head. While I know my boyfriend doesn't like her in that way at all, I don't like the way she tries to get his attention. Having said that, they don't see each other all the time due to their different departments, but they do call each other mainly in regards to work or sometimes for food or for coffee. It's not often, but it makes me feel annoyed, somehow. I really want to be friends with Fran and NOT feel territorial over my boyfriend when she's around him. It's just SOMETHING that I can't put my finger on that make me wary of her and voice my concerns about her to my boyfriend over and over again. This obviously makes my boyfriend annoyed and he would sometimes defend her by saying that that I have a bias (which I freely admit) to her. I mean, she thinks I'm going to attack her or that I'm showing off... and I had NO intention of doing either! It's just preposterous as well as just another delusion coming from her. He tells me that she hasn't talked about me since the last time (end of April) she sent him an email and they discussed it and that I need to let it go. I am trying to, I swear I am. But every time she calls, I get riled up about it. So how do I let it go? I want to like her and be friends, but honestly, I just feel like she's going to use my words and twist them in a way that will make my boyfriend angry with me. I've already expressed my concerns (wayyyyy too much) to my boyfriend, so he already knows. Obviously it would be completely unfair to tell him to break off a friendship (especially since she's really NOT a bad person). I just want to know, should I just ignore her and do my own thing and not try to be friends with her? Or should I talk to her? It sucks that I can't be friends with my boyfriend's friend.I would appreciate any advice!Thank you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi OP here,Thank you to everyone for all the advice so far! Just a little response:Tisha: I pretty much live with my boyfriend at his place, even though I have a place of my own. She lives approx. 5 minutes away from him. We were in a LDR for 4 years, but he would come back to my city during holidays. Having said that, we talked online every hour he or I had to spare, save for the time we needed to sleep and work. We are together physically now and we were together physically before for 2 years. Altogether we've been together for 6 years going on 7.Drew: I can understand what you're saying about people having their own agendas. I had to laugh about her being poison because you pretty much hit the nail on the head there. She makes me question myself and our relationship when there's really not much to question and that hurts us much more than what she could do herself. However, I feel that Fran knows that my boyfriend wouldn't leave me for her and that she's suffering from rejection, if you know what I mean. I'm not saying it's her fault. I totally believe that my boyfriend was a douche for using her like that and I've already had that talk with him many times. He has promised that he will not use anyone again and won't keep our relationship as private as before. I can still feel that she is slightly delusional and feels that she could stand a chance if she could make me out to be the bad person. He doesn't spend a lot of time with her, apart from maybe a lunch or coffee once or twice in a week. Each time, it may only be around 20-30 mins and usually it's not just the two of them. Most of time they don't even see each other, but of course, I would, deep down, wished that she'd just leave him alone. It's the calling and texting I have a problem with. I once confronted him after she called and asked him why he didn't just say that he was currently with me and busy - as an attempt to show Fran that he was loyal to me. He merely replied that she doesn't need to know and that his personal life is none of her business. Of course, I said that it would mean something to me, but sadly, it's just not his nature to talk about his private life. Apart from work, she doesn't know much about him. But from her emails, you can see the hurt lancing through the words that she wasn't chosen.RedAthena: While there's no rule, I just prefer to be friendly with everyone. I feel that it makes life a lot less difficult and everyone just gets along with each other. I completely agree with you about just trusting him and keeping my distance. I'm trying my best to trust him... before you say anything about that, hear me out. It's mainly because we had an issue where his loyalty (there was nothing physical at all, this much I can attest and confirm) was seriously called into question. It was a long and complicated issue that I don't want to go into because it's something that was in the past and is done with. Having said that, I have been slowly trusting him again. Trust is everything in a relationship.. but it's also one of the hardest things to give when you're uncertain. Anyways, I haven't seen her in months. It's only when she calls or he brings her up that I feel a slight uneasiness. Even though I definitely know where his loyalty stands, sometimes you just don't know what the other women (she's a bit older) will do. I guess I should make i clear that while my boyfriend has once upon a time hurt me in terms of loyalty, I am very certain that he is 100% faithful to me now. He did once lie to me, but again, I am certain that he would not lie to me again now. Even though he works long hours, I know who he is with, where he is and what he is doing. He usually spends his spare time with me, or if not with his sports teams (where I am sitting in the bleachers studying). He allows me to go through his phone and his email whenever I ask to audit. He doesn't have anything to hide. Of course, I would prefer more transparency from him - as in he freely gives me his things to check, rather than me asking. I don't like doing it, but it's needed to be done to restore my trust in him. I don't check all the time, it's done rather infrequently, just whenever I'm curious.I hope that makes things a little easier to understand. I'm sorry if there are any confusions. I take it that I should just stay away from Fran and give my boyfriend the benefit of the doubt? Does anyone have any tips on how to explain the situation better to my boyfriend? Sometimes I feel like he thinks that because I have a bias against Fran, my reasoning is a little skewed. Again, all advice is appreciated! Thank you!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (22 June 2011):
 Could you please clarify: where do you and Fran and your boyfriend live, in relation to each other? I'm not asking for your specific locations, just something like, 'my bf and I live 100s of miles from each other, fran lives next door to him' or whatever the actual circumstance is.
Has he been a LDR boyfriend for 4 years or are you now together physically?
Thanks!
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A
male
reader, Drew21  +, writes (21 June 2011):
 Eh, i'll be honest with you. Having someone like Fran around is poison for a relationship, unless she is addressed specifically.
She obviously has feelings for your boyfriend, and make no mistake if you ever left the picture i am sure she would pounce on him without hesitation.
I've seen many permutations and combinations of the scenario you describe (one of them even happened to me!), where someone is working to sabotage a relationship, whispering sweet nothings into the ear of one half of a couple. None of them are ever BAD people, they just have their own agendas.
I understand she has been a good friend to your boyfriend, but let's face it. She was being so nice to him because she had a thing for him.
I'd be very frustrated with your boyfriend for not manning up here and addressing your concerns more. I also think he was a bit of a dink to use her like he was. He quite plainly took advantage. That's not cool, and to be honest i can kind of understand where some of Fran's attitudes are coming from. I'm sure she was a bit shocked and confused.
He had to be aware that she had a thing for him, know what i mean? He should have laid off relying on her.
All that being said, if you really do love this guy, and he loves you, then i don't think it is in any way improper for you to continue to voice your concerns over his associating with her.
He should listen to you when you say that she makes you feel uncomfortable, and attempt to address that concern, know what i mean?
She has a history of being somewhat whacko towards you, it's been established she had a thing for your boyfriend. Those are two very good reasons for a girlfriend to be uncomfortable.
I hate to use a word like "ultimatum", but i really would emphasize to your boyfriend that this girl is really having a negative affect on you and this relationship.
I think you're well within your bounds to ask him to cut back on the amount of time he spends cavorting with her.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (21 June 2011):
 Where in the relationship rule book does it say all a boyfriends friends (male or female) must like you and befriend you?
All they need to do is ACCEPT and HONOUR your relationship.
You already told your bf how you feel about her. You feel she has acted innappropriatly in the past.
This is your BF's friend. Let it be his problem. He is the one that needs to respect your relationship, but he should not always have to make you feel secure about it.
DO you trust him? If yes, then do not worry about what she says or does. If he says she hasnt spoken about you (or her feelings) since April, then believe him!
Your bf wants to keep this friend and it sounds like he set her straight and already let YOU know where you stand in his life.
Best to keep your distance from this friend and just enjoy your bfs company. He chose you as his companion.
Worrying and being annoyed will make it harder on him and encourage him to pull away.
Best Wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2011): Honestly you can be friends with whoever you want. Just because your boyfriend is friends or friendly with her doesnt mean you have to be. It is always good to be polite, but unless you like her for who she is, if shes funny or smart or witty. Than yeah why not? But it seems to me your boyfriend doesnt have much interest in her, and you shouldnt have to worry about it. If i were you and i didnt like her or thought she was annoying i wouldnt be friends with her. But if you think shes cool, shes just a little neurotic then whatever be friends. Life is way too short to be strung up on discrepencies.
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