| A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: This is probably a long post ,but i am really stuck on this, I have been married for 20 year's, over that time we have had many rough patches.2 children which are both now grown in the military.Both boys are my step children from his first marriage, although i raised both as my own ,they lived with us. I love them they are everyhting to me.The problem lays my husband is 10 years older then me over the course of our marriage ,he did cheat on my twice i forgave him both times as the boys were young and i fealt i was the only stable thing they had.I bassically lived my life for the kid's and i have known my husband since i was 17 got married at 18 ,so he has been there bassically my whole life now,I find now with the kids gone and i have gotten somewhat of a life of my own over the past 3 years ,there is now a huge gap between myself and my husband.It still bothers me or sits in the back of my head the cheating,drinking and other bits that have happened over the years,although i feel i care for him alot,i dont want anything to happen to him, we are not intimte have not been for 2 years now,but we still function as conversation ,dinner ,house things together.Now i have somehow managed to meet someone else which this is my own fault,and i know this wrong ,i am a grown person,i met this man at work ,we just started as friends ,then one thing kinda lead to another,now its been 3 times a week for 10 motnhs we see each other outside of work and are intimate,at first i thought well i can shut myself off to it ,but 10 months of being intimate with someone ,i have grown feelings for this man.The bad part of that is he is also married.So yes i know morally wrong, i have told myself i would never be put in that position or do that to someone else as i have been there and know the hurt.I find sometimes it happens and we can not control what happens in all situations.I just am not sure how to go about everyhting?i love my husband i care for him i dont want to hurt him, but i know we have grown way apart and i am no longer in love with him, i have stuck by him through thick and thin over many years,I am in love with my co worker but at same time,i dont want him to hurt either, and that is what it will be if his wife finds out or if i just end it.Just a mess of a situation i have gotten myself into and looking for the easiest solution to ease everyones hurt as easy as possible, i got myself here i will get it to rest as it is bothering me or i wouldnt be on here.
View related questions:
at work, co-worker, military Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (11 December 2006):
 Perhaps this is an out of the box suggestion but what is the matter with exactly what you have. It has sufficed for 10 months. You have the best of both worlds. You have the comfort and security of your marriage....then you have the comfort and security of your sideline love...who is evidently in a very similar situation as you are. Why should anything need to change? The two of you have filled a void for each other (where is the harm in finding a bit of love and romance)
and I know
all the moral Rah-Rahs about faithful and true and blahblahblah.
but faithful and true is not all it's cracked up to be.
Sometimes
so long as you both make discretion and never causing people outside the relationship harm you first law.....long term affairs make life possible.
One of my boyfriends would be quite lost without me and the other would probably be...well dead. I adore my husband.....but one boyfriend makes me laugh and the other keeps me sane....and without them....my husband and I would be not nice people to each other. He and I are better because we are both full of happiness and when we deal with each other...it is with love.
If you want to be free....then do that...not because you have someone waiting who might get a divorce too....but only because you want to be rid of your husband regardless of what else does or does not happen.
but don't feel you Must DO anything.
You life is really not that big of a mess. complex yes.
Mess.....no not at all.
A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx  +, writes (9 December 2006):
 Well this is complicated but the only thing to do here is to follow your heart and make yourself happy, even though it's inevitable that someone will get hurt. You've spent your life making other people happy and you deserve some now.
It sounds like you were a good wife to a man who really didn't deserve you and, now you've grown up and got a life of your own, I think you know that. I don't believe anyone truly forgives for the betrayal of cheating, it simply gets swept under the carpet and always resurfaces. As for the other things he did, you sound like you've been a saint with him.
I do admire you for the sacrifices you have made for your children but the time has come to make yourself happy. This man is who you want and your children are older now, they don't need you two to be together as much as they did. I know it will kill your husband but he must understand, he has caused this over the years. If he'd been a better husband, this probably wouldn't have happened. Anyway, he has to live with the mistakes he's made and move on.
As for your new guy being married, as you say, you've been that innocent women in the dark about what he husband does and you didn't like it. You need to urge him to tell her as soon as possible and, if you both want to, you can't waste anymore time in getting together.
We really only get one shot at this life and wasting it is the worst thing you can do. You've been a good woman and have taken some rubbish and have made many sacrifices for those around you. I wish you all the happiness in the world and hope you follow your heart and make the rest of your life happier than what has already passed.
Good luck
...............................
|
