A
female
age
41-50,
*issmali
writes:I am new here, but something has happened that I would really like some unbiased opinions about. This may be long...My fiancé and I are both 25 and have been really close friends for almost 10 years. He has always had a "thing" for me, but I was never interested in more than being friends up until about a year ago.Well, things have been amazing! I never thought that I could care for another person the way I care for him. I really know now what people are talking about when they say "he/she makes me want to be a better person". He is so sweet and caring. He tells me almost everyday how lucky he feels to have me and that he loves me more than life itself, and yadda, yadda, yadda. He is always thinking of me and picking me flowers, bringing me dinners, or picking me up some little token he thinks I may like. Overall, I could never ask for a better partner or a better father to our future children. That is, until he hit me across the face a few days ago. A little back story: Give him all the beer he can drink, he is fine. But, if he has a shot or two on top of the beer or he is drinking liquor drinks, he has some problems. Twice, he has just up and left me downtown without saying a word (we were not arguing, he just disappeared), once he flipped out on one of his friends for no reason (it was not physical, but it seemed like it could have gotten that way), and once he got so upset that I was mad at him that he thought I would leave him, so he took out his shotgun and threatened to blow his head off. So, we have made it a rule that when we go out there is no liquor involved.A few days ago, we went out with some friends and had drinks. He got a little pressured from a bartender/friend that had some homemade stuff (liquor) that he wanted my fiancé to try. He ended up taking the shot. Ok, no big deal, we were not out long and he seemed to be holding it just fine.When we got home we started to argue and I cannot even remember what started it. Eventually we were raising our voices at one another. Before I knew what was happening, he was standing over me sitting at my computer chair and swung back and struck me across the face. He hit me once more, and by then the shock was wearing off and I stood up to fight back (yeah, I know, I should not have done that, but I was beat everyday by my mother until I was 16 years old, and I will not be hit anymore!). I slapped him a few times and he kept hitting back. Finally, he tackled me and knocked me and him both to the ground on top on a metal back chair. At this point I was scared and started to cry. Plus, I thought my arm was broken from the way I landed on the metal. It hurt so bad. He got off of me... Did not say he was sorry, just sat there while I cried. Finally I got up, took my ring off and told him it was over. I cannot marry a man that will hit me like that.He freaked, went to get the shotgun like he did before. Last time he got the shotgun, I tried to wrestle it out of his hands and it was not until after he finally put it down that I realized it was loaded and the safety was off. We were lucky that one or both of us really didn't get blown to bits while we wrestled over it! I remembered this from last time so I just left him alone. He had threatened it before and I thought he was bluffing to make me put the ring back on.Eventually, he went to sleep. When he woke up, he said he didn’t remember all that had happened or why he did what he did. I woke up to two very badly bruised elbows, bruised legs, one bruise on my back, and a black eye. He cried, told me how sorry he was, swears it will never ever happen again, begs me to put my ring back on and not to leave him. Basically, groveled to me until I finally put the ring back on but told him I still did not know what to do.We talked in depth last night about it and I told him that if he ever raised a hand to me again, it was over and I was calling the police right away. I also told him that there will no longer be any ammunition left in this house. He can have all the guns he wants, but NO bullets in the house. He agrees to these conditions. The problem is, I can’t stop picturing the look on his face when he hit me. I can’t stop thinking that of all things that can go bad in a relationship, him hitting me was the last thing I ever expected. He is such a wonderful man, to me and to everyone he knows. I have never seen him raise a hand to anyone before. This just seems so out of character for him.I am so shocked and my trust in him feels shattered. I can’t look at him the same right now. Will I be able to get over this? Should I even try or should I not take the chance? I love him, but I refuse to be a woman that takes abuse like that no matter how much I love him and want us to work.Any advice would be great, and thanks for taking the time to read this long post.
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (12 July 2010):
 This is either a joke or jesus christ.He is the best father a child could have?He is the best father a child could have?!PLEASE think about what the hell you are doing.Pulls out a fucking SHOTGUN after he beats you.I'm sorry. I am so sorry.However, you have to realize that you are a fool to believe he is going to change. I am by no means a disciplined person. However, if a woman tells me to stop something whether it be in the bedroom or anywhere, I don't stop 5 seconds later or 5 THOUSANDTHS of a second later. I stop right then. Would it be forgivable to continue? These are step by step things. You forgive one thing, you will forgive another.You should have left him the first time he did something stupid like *point a shotgun to his head*.It is a snowball effect that ends BADLY. If you want to test your idea that he will be a great father, you will regret it so much.Your kids will grow up thinking its ok for daddy to hit mommy and that mommy is supposed to get beaten up.He is going to continue down that path no matter what you do.Stand up for yourself. Stand up for your future kids.End it here and now.
A
female
reader, missmali +, writes (2 September 2008):
missmali is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all for the posts so far. It is so nice that people are willing to take time out of their days to help a stranger! There is lots of good people left in the world, after all.
I thought that I would update you all on what is going on.
First, I do not want to leave him. I am very much in love with this man. However, I do not want to be a woman who lets herself be treated with less respect than she deserves.
I have decided to try to get over this incident. I can't say that I have forgiven him, but I am trying and I know it will take time. He understands this and is more than willing to give me all the time I need. He knows that things are not going to just go back to the way they were. My only hope is that I am able to get back to that point in the future, but a lot of trust is going to have to be earned back.
We have talked about both getting some counseling before we go through with the wedding, it’s just we are worried about the cost of this. Hopefully, we can find someone willing to work with us at a price that we can afford.
I have made a promise to myself and to him that I will NOT tolerate anything even close to this in the future. He says he understands and it will never happen again… I hope this is true. I am still worried though… It took him a month shy of a year to this the first time… What if he waits 2-3 years to do it again and then there are children involved. Oh boy, we are in a pickle for sure! But, I am trying to work our way out.
Thanks again for your advice… I would love to hear more if anyone has any...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): Thats so sad that this had to happen, but you shouldnt be with someone who could bring harm to you or be willing rto hurt himself. if you are worried about leaving him and them him hurting himself you can have him forcibly institutionalized for a period of time call the police and tell them that your worried that this guy will kill himself since he threatend to do it before and you should also tell them that he has guns in the house and you dont know what he will do. you would probably be doing him a favor cause it sounds like this guy really needs some psychological help cause it sounds like he could have a drinking problem or even some other latenent psychological disorder. i know you want this to work but he needs help and this whole thing needs to be settled before you two get back together. just remember that most cases of spousal abuse dont start till after they get married and there are some signs usually before hand but people try not to take it to seriously and say that it is out of character for there husband to hit them. please just keep this in mind iv had to deal with abuse in my life to and i hate to let even the littlest thing pass.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): It sounds like the alcohol is making him crazy... He must stop drinking or this will happen again. He gets violent when he's drunk, and very dangerous. He must not drink, especially when there are guns in the house. Next time he could kill you or kill himself. Tell him he must stop drinking and if he ever touches alcohol again you will leave him. Alcohol, rather than a violent personality, seems to be his main problem. Spirits react badly in his system and turn him into a violent monster. He is allergic to strong drinks.
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A
male
reader, s79 +, writes (2 September 2008):
I understand that you love him but any guy that hits a woman drunk or sober is a pice of ****. Get out now next itime you might break you arm. sorry for comming off so hard but i hate guys like that.
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A
female
reader, lulababe  +, writes (2 September 2008):
first of all why does your fiance keep guns at home especially a shot gun ?your so lucky that the gun didnt go off but also if he has bought ammo before its easy to buy it again without you knowing.
you sound like you need a break from each other,the person you fell in love with doesnt sound like the man your living with anymore and if he has hit you once he can do it again.
if he loves you as much as he says he does then he will understand for you to have this break have time to think and also can you ever forgive and forget what he has done to you are you always going to feel like your looking over your shoulder thinking its going to happen again.
you have a really big decision to make which only you can do,but give yourself time and i think you will know in your heart what is the best for you to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): You know he's gonna do it again...Maybe you guys should try to get professional help for him...he's kind unstable
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