A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband of 15 years and I are currently seperated . A large part of the reason for the separation was his lusting after other women and porn use. He never complimented me . I felt undesirable and very unhappy. We even went through counselling about it but not much changed . After six months apart he told me he wanted to reconcile and I missed him a lot . We have started dating and reconnecting although we live in separate houses. We have talked about the possibility if getting back together .I am very confused though because just a few nights ago we went for dinner with a small group and he was extremely distracted by the busty young waitress in the low tight top. It seemed every time she passed he would looked and if other were talking and I'd look over he would be gazing then quickly look away. It also hurt because this night happened to be my birthday I of course didn't say anything . In the past I always have but obviously that hasn't made any difference I just don't know whether I should even bother. It seems clear he wants something I can't give him and nothing will change What should I do
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (7 September 2014):
 I could very easily be the perfect MC pig and take your hubby's side but No, in this case I think you should have your way and leave for good. After all if it's impossible for you to perform and/or understand his lust, then you should be alone. he obviously doesn't feel for you the way he ought to feel for you. You are 100% justified to be alone with no guilt. Good Luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2014): OP here . Thanks everyone for some great advice. I actually have a large bust too so that wasn't what bothered me. I felt it was incredibly disrespectful and to me it's him blatantly lusting after other women in front of me . That's what I meant by him wanting something else
I can't help but feel that if he can't even control himself when he is trying to win me back and reconcile then his desire for other women must be so much stronger than the love or respect he claims to have for me
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2014): I wouldn't get back together with him, he won't change. Men always try to use the excuse that it is a biological thing but women are attracted to others also and they manage, most of them, not to stare/gawk or to humiliate and make their partners feel bad. He was there with you on your birthday, he should be looking at and focusing on you. This is not to say we will never look at and find others attractive, but what he is doing is disrespectful and the clear sign of a player who wants more than one partner. This has already been a problem in your relationship for a long time, don't go back to something that will never change and to someone who makes you unhappy. Is it easy to start over later in life? No, but being alone, if you don't manage to find a better partner, is better than being with someone who disrespects you and makes you feel unhappy. The hard part is that good partners are few and far between.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (5 September 2014):
My wife wonders why guys seem to go crazy for women with their tits hanging out. The truth is that it's not a preference per say, but it's just easier to notice than a woman with more modest bosom.
When I'm with my wife I never stare at other women. But, when I'm by myself I admit that I stare at blobs that are hanging out.
When women are naked I love smaller breasts. And larger ones too.
You should give your husband a break but at the same time demand he is more respectful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2014): Sorry but not all men ogle women in this way. Yes some do and some say it's normal. It's not normal it's rude.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (5 September 2014):
i didn't read the part where the definition of 'what' he wants tat you can't or won't) give him was explained.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (5 September 2014):
Dear OP,
He is looking at other women. That is something very hurtful, but I would say, it's a lack of character that might be compensated by other virtues (if there are some). I would like to know if, apart from this dinner, he has made any other efforts to please you, win you back, let you know that you are appreciated? Did he do something great for your birthday, something that makes it seem more forgiveable?
Well, apart from weighing the heaviness of his wrongdoings.. I think he just doesn't make you happy. And that is the important thing. I mean, at the end of the day it doesn't matter if he tries hard or not, if you feel unhappy, unattractive and unloved next to him, you should not consider getting back together. Life is too short to waste it in an unhappy routine of repeating disappointments and nuisances. If you stay separated and single, you have new space to meet somebody who might appreciate you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2014): People don't stop feeling sexual attraction toward other people because they have a spouse, boyfriend, or a girlfriend. When you form a commitment, it means you will resist your urges toward other people. You will suppress your primal instincts; for the sake of forming a monogamous and meaningful bond with someone you really care for. Above anyone else. That person is so special to you, you don't want to lose them.
If a person doesn't have the self-discipline to do this, you shouldn't commit. You should stay single and date; until you meet someone that makes you want to do this.
Maybe you should continuously serial-date; and screw your brains out, until you get it out of your system.
Don't let men fool you into thinking we can't control ourselves. That's a myth. The same goes for women. They may not be as visible and blatant as us males when they gawk, they are just more subtle and sneakier. Men aren't fooled, by the way.
Your husband is putting on an act. Unfortunately, he's a lousy actor. If you want to fix things, you first have to change.
Truly-committed people stop gawking at other people out of respect for your partner. There is a little inner-voice that makes you feel guilty; and should make you use restraint and self-control. Your husband is far too easily distracted by other females; and you are vigilant enough to look for the right signs. That is, if he's sincere about reconciliation. In your gut, do you really think he is?
Is being a mature woman weighing on your decision to keep him? Fear you have fewer choices in your 40's? If you are,
you're making a big mistake. You'll age faster, and look older remaining in an unhappy and failed marriage. It will cause you depression; and your health will be directly effected by the stress. Dating will not be like in your 20's, but seriously. Looking back on your 20's, dating was no picnic back then. It was a tedious process of selection and elimination. Trial and error. That's how it will always be. So don't let it scare you. It's still a lot of fun!
Obviously, nothing has changed. You feel exactly the same as before; when you're out with him in public. He's more interested in other women's lady-parts, and not really concerned about how you feel about it. The man is a pig. He knows divorce is going to be expensive, and finding another female to put up with his ways is going to be impossible. He'll go from one failed relationship to the next. He's older, so his selection will not be as wide as it used to be. He's got "old faithful" at his side. "It's cheaper to keep her!"
You're living in separate homes. It would certainly be cheaper living in one. He can make sure no one comes along and snaps you up. He can continue doing what he's doing, and putting on a facade. He's schmoozing you, and testing your gullibility. Playing on your feelings for him.
Don't ask us what you should do. You already know. You don't need our permission. Do what you know is right for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2014): He probably wants things to be how they were, it's quite clear he isn't making any effort to change what he knows upsets you - his quite blatant staring at other women.
You've gone through the pain of separating, and even got your own places to live. Think long and hard about why that all happened before gong back to him because the chances are things will quickly fall back into the routine you were once in.
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