A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone!Ive always got great advice from here so I thought I would ask again!Me and my boyfriend have been together for just under 5 years. Over the summer I found out he was having an affair of 5 weeks with another women. He had ended this affair before I found out and told the other women he had made a mistake, that he hadnt realised how much he loved me and that he was going to make every effort to make it up to me! I found out a week later and it nearly ended the relationship! After lots of tears, heartbreak and deep conversations, I decided to give the relationship another try for several reasons. 1. The relationship had hit rock bottom and we were fighting everyday, this does not allow his cheating but the relationship was not in a good place. 2. This is totally out of character for my boyfriend, he is a good, kind and loving man. When people found out there first comment was 'that's out of character for him' 3. He was a broken man after I found out, maybe hurting just as much as me. He spent days crying and not eating (also out of character) and vowed that he had not realised how much he had loved me. Since then he has made every effort to rebuild the relationship. He has promised me this will never happen, not just to me again, but to anybody. He has checked in everywhere he has gone to try and rebuild the trust, he has gone out of his way to make me feel loved and to rebuild my shattered heart. As angry with him as I still am, he has kept every word of his promise so far.The only problem being is that when this happened he was embarrassed and ashamed of himself. He became withdrawn and wanting to prove to me he was worth a second chance. He didn't want to face his friends, who all have girlfriends and were all in shock at his actions, as i said, it was not something anyone thought he would do. Its been two and a half weeks now and he still will not go out with his friends. His one love in life is football, hes played it for 21 years with the same team mates. He has barely missed a training session in the years I've known him, yet this past two weeks hes missed 3 matches, and 6 training sessions. Hes missed friends birthdays and wont even answer the phone to his friends when they call him. I understand that hes trying to show me that I am a priority in his life, and that he is willing to do everything to make things better. I've never got to spend a Saturday with him before as that's when his matches are, so he has been trying to show me I even come above football and has spent his saturdays taking me out. Im worrying now however that in the future he may resent me for this. He loved football and I dont want him to give up his hobby. I appreciate his efforts but this is not what I meant by 'prove yourself'Everytime I mention him going to football or seeing his friends he says no, he doesnt feel like it and then asks me to do something instead. What do i do?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (7 September 2014):
 OP, his avoiding football has nothing to do with trying to prove himself to you. He isn't sacrificing something he loves for your sake. He hasn't been going because he's ashamed and doesn't want to face people. He's protecting himself, not you.
I understand he seems sincere (and maybe he is) and you want to give him a second chance. From your previous post I knew you would take him back and that's up to you, but if you want this to work then you have got to be more objective and matter of fact about this.
If he wants to take a hiatus from his hobbies, let him, but don't feel obliged to be his emotional nurse maid or fill that social void in his life all by yourself. He'll be a better man and sooner if you'd stop pandering to him.
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (5 September 2014):
 I think this is what it means to prove himself. If you are questioning his lifestyle, it could be because you don't respect him and the relationship anymore. You either enjoy being priority, get used to it or decide he is not the right man for you. You told him you encouraged him to play football but he chose you, so he will have no right to resent you. You were so used to him being busy and now you are questioning his motive. Don't underestimate how influential you can be. I think the problem is that both of you got emotional and reactive when it came to issues. Now that he gives you free time suddenly you didn't know what to do with him. Use this time to connect deeply with him. You say you appreciate his efforts so do that by trying to be happy on Saturdays.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 September 2014):
 He sounds lost in a deep 'guilt-depression state' who knows? he may choose to pout for a very long time. Why don't you just break it off and find a new guy? He's proved you're not the only 'love of his life' If I were you ,I'd move on and the the poor guy drown in his own tears of guilt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2014): He has missed a few weeks of football? So what?!
He's ashamed to face his friends; whom he knows will surely question him, and have less respect for him. He's putting on too much of an act in order to get sympathy. I see Sageoldguy's point. There is a bit of dramatizing going on here. He's trying his best to accelerate the forgiveness process; by overkill. I know he wants to put this behind him as soon as possible; but seriously?!!! No eating, hiding, and avoiding his buddies? Just to spend every waking moment with you? This smells funny even to you.
You really haven't addressed the problem at all. You're both dancing around it. Relationships are complex, and the problems in your relationship are not all rolled into just what HE did. It takes two to make a couple in a relationship. You're not to blame at all for his cheating.
You share responsibility for the dysfunction in it.
You both had many problems that made you fight. Fighting, dysfunction, and many unresolved problems lead to even more problems. Cheating is a nasty side-effect.
Your "second honey-moon phase" just may end in resentment just as you said. That was a very wise and profound prediction. You are a very perceptive person. You also know your man very well.
He's trying too hard and you're just being a sponge and soaking it up. You need to ask him to relax and deal with it; so it will make you feel more at ease. Cheaters always turn on the tears and offer an award-winning performance to get things back to the way they were. They want to getaway with it. So they do everything they can to pull the wool over your eyes. We all want to getaway with doing something wrong, and going unpunished. He is using self-flagellation and martyrdom to prove his atonement. The truth is, he is avoiding your brand of punishment. So he's spanking himself to take that privilege away from you!
Let him know that you acknowledge his remorse. You know he's very sorry. You should stop pretending everything is okay; because they aren't. You may enjoy the groveling and submission to some degree; but you also feel you'd rather have something less dramatic. That's because you and all of your friends know him that well. He is still acting out of character.
This is a good situation for couple's counseling. I think that would ease suppressed anger and guilt. I think it would allow him to come clean to you, and you both can bring your other problems to light. You both are just making peace at the moment. Being so submissive and passive is going to become strenuous, and you both are a couple of tea kettles waiting to reach the boiling point. You are going to have one terrific argument at some point.
Have a quiet talk. Think about getting a counselor to mediate through some buried issues and the suppressed anger you're both hiding. He is truly sorry for what he has done.
I believe he loves you very much, as you do him. I just don't think you both know how to deal with problems and discuss them without a fight. I think you need some professional counseling and coaching while you both get through this.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (5 September 2014):
 Your boy is doing a beautiful job of playing his "Woe is me" card.... He even has YOU questioning yourself!!!!!
Think back, now - long and hard..... Do you really want to continue in your life (with, or without, him).... with YOU walking on eggshells because HE has convinced you to feel sorry for him for his transgression??????
The answer to THAT will guide you to how you want to handle your (and, his) future...
Good luck....
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