A
female
age
30-35,
*pices
writes:I need help asap. I have been with my boyfriend for the past 7 months. things started out going great, he even came to the point telling me that he loves me and wants to have a future with me since I am the only one with him through his hard times and problems. im still there and wont complain of him not having any money. He also shares a daughter with his ex girlfriend of 7 years. It has been 3 years since they broke up and 2 years since she left town. Now for the past month she is back in town and continually comes to visit her daughter every aftrernoon at his mom's house. Every evening when she is ready to leave he takes her home on his car. I really need to know if something is going on between them. Ive brought up the question on several occations but he denies that he has no feelings for and they are over. He also tells me that he is just being nice to her and she lives very far and wouldnt want any thing to happen to her for fear that his daughter will be left motherless. I try to understand the situation but it scares me that he will break my heart and go back with his ex. I really want to know if he still has feelings for her and is there any chance that they will work things out. Every time I think about it I would cry because it makes me feel so sad. I want to know what to do I need to make a decision now I need to find out what is going on?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): I'm really sorry to hear you are so upset about this. I will try to be honest with you though so that you don't end up even more hurt! I wouldn't say you have anything to worry about. You maybe still think of your boyfriend as a 'single, free guy' but he's not; he has a daughter. And so i will say that its only natural of him to want to keep a good (parental) relationship with his ex girlfriend who is the mother of his beloved child.
In fact, I'd tell you to be more worried if he had a bad relationship with her still; if he did, i'd wonder just how decent and nice a guy he actually was - they had children together, its important they get on for their daughter's sake. So take a bit of comfort in that.
You can't eliminate the presence of his ex altogether because of his daughter - and it would be hugely wrong to do that. So if you have such a huge issue with it, consider that it might not be the exact relationship you want and need. Yes, i know, love is tricky and its VERY hard to just walk away (even if you know its the thing you need to do). But you will only get more upset, more paranoid and more confused about whats *really* going on if you let it continue to play on your mind.
You have told him how you feel and he has tried to reassure you. You have to leave it there, and begin to trust him, or leave the relationship. He has to put his daughter first (absolutely) and his ex is a part of his daughter's life. If he doesnt make you feel loved or important enough, then thats not his exes fault; thats his. Although I think he does care about you very much.
All the same, it is only natural in an early stage of a relationship (7 months is still relatively early) to still be getting to know each other. You haven't known him for years and you are still guaging how well you can trust him. What i will advise is that: you dont seem to have a lot of trust between each other yet, and if that doesnt increase over time - move on honey. You have every right to feel secure and safe in your relationship and trust is a huge part of that. Also consider the effect you may have on your relationship if you continue to 'nag' him about his ex. Guys dont like being nagged - especially about their emotions - and it may have the adverse effect you hope for. If you want to know he truly cares for you, sit back and let him show you. Dont go chasing the confirmation...if he loves you, you have nothing to worry about.
And if not, find a guy (perhaps without kids and exes still in their lives) who does love you. :)
Most of all: no more crying! Realtionships are supposed to enrich your life, not leave you insecure and hurt. Have a good think about what you want from your relationship, what you need from it, and what you can and cant accept within it. You cant get rid of his ex altogether, but only you will know how comfortable (and how much you trust your boyfriend) with that fact!
Best wishes.
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