A
female
age
30-35,
*antHelpFallin
writes:I have been dating the most wonderful man since December. I can feel and see just how much he truly loves me. When we first started dating, he told me he had gotten rid of all his porn because he didnt want to hurt me by looking at other women. A month ago, I found a stash of "Girls Gone Wild" DVDs in a bag. There are also tons of disgusting porn sites in the history folder on his computer I saw today. He's even recorded porno's he bought on satellite with his DVR. They are all of big-breasted women, and I'm only a 34B and it makes me feel self-conscious. He knows I despise porn and now i'm paranoid and always look to see if the DVD player remote has been moved. It rips me apart inside that he told me one thing but does another. When our friends joke about watching pornos, he acts uncomfortable but at the same time talks to them as if he wants nothing to do with the junk. I want to talk to him about it gently in a non-accusatory manner but I have no idea how to bring it up, since i found the DVDs by accident. He knows something is bothering me and begs for me to talk to him about whats on my mind, i just dont know how to tell him. any advice will be GREATLY appreciated!!!
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female
reader, CantHelpFallin +, writes (22 May 2008):
CantHelpFallin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell i just talked with him about it a few mintues ago. he admitted to me that he has a problem and is still trying to work on the problem. he claims he gets lonely and wants me all the time so that's why he bought the videos so he could please himself when i'm not there. he keeps apologizing. i told him i'm willing to work things through to save our relationship, but if it gets out of control, i'm leaving. that got his attention!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): Admit that you found the porn and tell him what you said to all of us reading, especially what it does to your self-esteem. Bringing it out in the open may help.
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A
female
reader, CantHelpFallin +, writes (21 May 2008):
CantHelpFallin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell he has already been bringing up the topic of marriage, and speaks of it almost every day. i am just going to bring it all out in the open when we are alone again. i will let you know how things go. thank u all so much! u have made me more confident in approaching him about this junk he enjoys lol
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A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (21 May 2008):
 Ahhh... porn... the great relationship destroyer.
In my experience, with several different women, porn was always hurtful to them. Every one of them told me that it made them hate their bodies, feel like they couldn't trust me, make them feel insecure in bed, etc, etc.
If you truly love someone and want to be with them, you won't knowingly engage in activities that produce feelings of self-hatred, insecurity, sadness, etc. within them.
If a man cannot or will not do this then either he's addicted to porn or he has decided that the benefit of watching porn (quick sexual satisfaction, satisfaction of curiosity, watching naked women) outweighs the benefit of NOT watching it (a girlfriend who trusts him and feels secure in herself, perhaps more spending money and less calloused palms). Maybe he's not ready to "settle" and change his ways for a new woman? Or maybe he doesn't realize the way that you feel about it. Many (most?) men underestimate the impact that their porn viewing has on their relationships with their gfs. Unless you are with a woman who enjoys porn herself or has no personal qualms with your watching it, then there is really no good benefit (relationship-wise) to keeping it around.
In a man's view, the porn isn't usually about finding women with better bodies than their gfs- we bypass such details (typically) in favor of viewing the acts. I certainly never compared my gfs to porn stars. So... chances are he's not yearning for a woman with large breasts... don't feel badly about your body.
However... You have to confront him about his lying. Speaking as a reformed liar, if he lies about porn, he'll lie about something else. Liars like (us) lie because we want to do whatever we want and avoid the consequences of it. I wonder what else he'll want to do? The possibilities are endless. A relationship will never work if there is deceit. Next time he asks what's bothering you, tell him you found the porn.
All that said, you've been together for only a short amount of time. He won't change for you immediately, it'll take him time to get rid of old habits. He's been doing this long before you came along, so unless you're getting married, why should he change? If he does change for you, then you've found a keeper, and it might be the real thing. But until he assesses your potential for longevity, he may cling to his single-male behaviors.
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A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (21 May 2008):
 It is normal to look at porn but it is always difficult when one partner hates it and doesnt understand it. It can make some women feel worthless and as though they are not satisfying their partner in some way. This is not necessarily the case but if he is lying to you about this it will make it ten times worse.
You maybe need to make a decision about this, if he is unwilling to change can you put up with this for the rest of your life??
Are you willing to make a compromise and allow him to watch porn if alone but remove all traces of it when you are around inclduing clearing the history on the computer so you dont have to know what he is looking at??
I think he has already proved he is not willing to give this up so you have to decide whether to find someone else who wont have this need or stay with him and bury it under the carpet, only you can know which will work for you. Goood luck x
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (21 May 2008):
It is normal to look at porn but it is always difficult when one partner hates it and doesnt understand it. It can make some women feel worthless and as though they are not satisfying their partner in some way. This is not necessarily the case but if he is lying to you about this it will make it ten times worse.
You maybe need to make a decision about this, if he is unwilling to change can you put up with this for the rest of your life??
Are you willing to make a compromise and allow him to watch porn if alone but remove all traces of it when you are around inclduing clearing the history on the computer so you dont have to know what he is looking at??
I think he has already proved he is not willing to give this up so you have to decide whether to find someone else who wont have this need or stay with him and bury it under the carpet, only you can know which will work for you. Goood luck x
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