A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:2 years ago i met a wonderful man in town but was still in love with my ex who had dumped me a month before. We started seeing each other even though i wasn't ready but he said he'd give me all the time i need. he would do anything for me - pick me up at 3am every weekend after my nights out with friends (just to take me home as we didn't sleep together), i went away with friends and he picked me up at an airport 2 hours away from our city at 3am even though he had to be in work at 6 am, he would drop all of his plans just to give me a lift somewhere (he was practically a free taxi service), he missed football for me every weekend (somethings he is ott about- didn't know this at the time) and always told me how he wanted to marry me etc. i didn't feel the same and after two months my ex came back and wanted to give things another go - i went running back and dropped the guy i was seeing like a hot potato.my ex and i got back together for 9months- the guy i met in town warned me i would be heartbroken by him again and told me he'd look after me. i was so in love with my ex i didn't care for the other guys opinion. other guy remained my friend and was a shoulder to cry on time and time again - he remained the same for a year and a half..being there for me and doing anything without it being a chore.a year ago my ex dumped me again(for the final time. after 6 months single other guy took me on holiday and after all that time i fell for him. we have now been an item and living together for 7 months. he has changed drastically and is not the man he portrayed in the beginning and has gone from one extreme to the other. him watching football is a huge problem - every weekend he won't miss one game for me and its a huge chore to get him to spend any quality time together (we both work all week). it hurts that the man who would drop anything for me only to give me a lift; will no longer drop anything for me - even though now i actually want to do things as a couple. i know I've hurt him but he's forgiven me and is happy to be with me. he complains about money constantly - he recently took me on holiday for my 21st birthday and threw the money in my face. the old him would buy me presents constantly, i now receive nothing - which isn't a problem, he proved himself for a long time but i thought he'd be glad to spoil me on my 21st as it was his suggestion to take me on holiday as my present.he used to always tell me he wanted children with me (when we weren't an item). we were walking along the beach on holiday and i saw the sweetest little boy, i said to my partner 'id love a little boy like that with you' he mumbled 'yes' then said excitedly 'fair play that bloke over there has a rovers top on (a football team in our city) - turned out it wasn't even the team, really upset me that he was more interested in that than talking about our future.last week i went to another country for 5 days with my mum and sister, he texted me and called a lot saying he was going to make a fuss of me when i came home and he missed me so much.....the airport was a two hour drive, the old him would have missed me so much he would have drove all the way to pick me up, not now though.i came home to a messy house, dirty bed sheets, no food in the fridge. i thought he may have made some effort as this is the longest we've been away from each other since being together - maybe flowers or candle lit dinner or even a little letter - nothing!i can't help feeling disappointed :( i know people change and get complacent but this is so hurtful
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female
reader, tennismom47  +, writes (9 May 2012):
Totally hear and Feeling you on this one. Everybody's supposed to know it takes effort to keep things going strong. Come on.
I guess all you can do is tell him how you envision things going sweet and strong on into the future. (No complaining, just pillow talk,, nice, sweet.) Say you want to feel madly in Love with him, and reminisce on how it made you feel when he did (something special) and you felt so Loved, etc.
Then don't forget to offer your own personal gestures of Love. If he loves you he should follow your lead.. It's a mindset... takes effort to keep romance alive.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI felt lucky to have him and told him and showed him that all the time. I make dinner by candle light for him sometimes, get him cards for no occasion but just to tell him i love him/how much i appreciate him. when i'm shopping i'll think of him and get something for him, i sing love songs to him etc. I always keep the house up together (i work as well and as many times I've told him to help he never does).
I just thought after 5 days of being away - he was off work all that time so wasn't busy, he would make an effort. however, like most of you are saying, he seemed to like the chase.
he came home from work yesterday, I've had a brief sorry but no gestures!!!
if i hadn't seen the caring side to him before i don't think it would bother me this much but he was treating and making a fuss, being loving to me for over a year we weren't together! now I'm his, he doesn't seem to care :(
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): Can't help wondering what's in this relationship for him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2012): Part of me thinks maybe he is getting his revenge for the earlier hurt you seemingly caused to him.
But then I think he was in love with the idea of chasing you. He saw himself as the knight in shining armour and loved playing that role. The ups, the downs, the drama of you and your ex spurred him on. "Will she be mine, won't she be mine".
Now he's obtained what he wanted (i.e. you) I don' think he feels he needs to put that much effort into the relationship anymore. You moved in together fairly quickly in my opinion. Maybe the thrill of the chase was all he wanted?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2012): I think that you should try to work it out and then if he doesn't listen then dump him.
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A
female
reader, Read-the-signs +, writes (8 May 2012):
I think people who are capable of behaving like 2 people at different ends of the personality spectrum are bad news and to be avoided. It is as if he snared you with his charm and then showed his true colours.
If he's not what you want, leave. I'm fairly sure the charmer is not the real him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2012): Perhaps he has been waiting for you to be romantic as it all sounds very one sided, you are very lucky he waited since you ran back to your ex. Most men would just write a girl off as a fool for going back and find someone else. If I were him and had done all of that I would be thinking "when is she going to notice me and surprise me?"
You obviously want to be with him but maybe he feels like you settled for second best with him or that he had to do those things in order for you to love him. I know it's frustrating when things aren't like they used to be, but instead of being negative about all he DOESN'T do remember everything he DID do and start returning the favour.
So a holiday was your present, that is amazing and very kind and just because he paid to take you there doesn't make him obliged to pay for everything while you are away that could be seen as taking him for granted. He might have really appreciated it if while away you surprised him by paying for a meal out together or planning a surprise trip to a nearby place that interests him. It's not just the guy who has to do all the surprises and romance, it you want this relationship to work you have to put in effort too and show him you actually appreciate him.
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A
female
reader, Enya1979 +, writes (8 May 2012):
 This is not good. I am sorry to say this, but it feels like he is more into achieving things, and does not evaluate them anymore after he has them.The only thing i can think of is that you really really have to have a serious talk with him. Do not scream or anything like that. Be composed and tell him how you feel, tell him everything. Maybe he does not realize it. Sometimes people do extraordinary things to be together wit ha person. And these extraordinary things are not the everyday life. People go back to who they used to be, to their routine. This means that probably he is just like you see him now, and what you have seen previously it wasn't the real him.Still, if he does not change after talking to him, what i would do would be to leave him (or act as if i am leaving him to see how he reacts). If he does nothing to get you back, then he does not deserve you, you simply have to move on. But if he cares about you, he will come back to his senses. at least this tacktic has worked for me :)
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