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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: hello all i am so much in need of advice iv made a right mess of everythin u know when theres so much to explain but dont know where to start. i have been in a relatinship for 13 yrs he was not very nice to me and refused to commit, took all my confidence and i lost all my friends i spent years on my own begin him to stay in with me and even physically stood in front of the door and begged him but he went with his mates anyway. we lived together for 10 yrs he never let me see his phone and had his bank statements delivered to his mums he controled everything he was embarressed to be seen with me i hit rock bottom but i loved him and cried because of it. now iv been a single mum for 3 yrs this man is still in my life and everytime i try to move on he makes me feel guilty he ses he has changed and wants a family life with me we have a 12 yr old daughter he ses i should stop people coming to my home so we can put each other first and have no distractions my friends i have now are men except 1 girl i know men should not cum round but at the moment i cant afford to loose friends even tho i doubt how gud friends they are i doubt everybody, my instinct tells me to move on but havnt got the strength and feel very lonely has he changed i dont know. anyway my dad went when i was little for another woman and my brother was very ill, he died of neuroblastoma and i lived with my nan and grandad my stepdad couldnt be in the same room he hated me and stepmum also. i want to talk to my dad but he is ashamed cuz i got pregnant at 17 i need to sort things out but dont know where to start sorry its long its took 2 weeks 2 pluck up courage thanx xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): I agree with what everyone else has said. Please don't go back to your ex. He is a horrible person and he'll just drag you down again. You deserve so much better. ((((hugs))))
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (8 December 2009):
 Can you tell me if you can regonize this situation.
"I am isolated, the only people I see are those he wants me to see. I only go where he wants me to go. I do, what he tells me to do. I am dependent on him for everything including finance."
It is a form of control used by an emotional abuser. A more common method they use is to accuse their victim of infidelity. "When you see other people, you are cheating on me, if you love me, you wouldn't see them". The excuse really doesn't matter. It is used to isolate you, to make you totally dependent on the abuser. If you still saw your friends, would they have allowed this to happen? No.
The fact that you say he tries to make you feel guilty for having broken free and now seeing other people again and that if you loved him, you would only see him again, speaks volumes. He wants to control you again, and that is not good.
He has not changed at all, he is doing exactly the same thing he has done all the time, try to control your entire life.
I can understand you are in doubt, your life with him is really the only thing you know and even if it was bad, it is at least familiar. Being alone, is new and scary. But there is one thing you got to keep in mind. Live with him will never ever get better, and you are raising your child with the idea that this is what relationships should be like. Monkey see, monkey do.
You know what life is with him. Life on your own right now might not seem much better, but YOU can change that. YOU are in charge of your single life. YOU determine who you see, when you see them. On your own, you got a change to improve things. It might not happen, but at least it will be your own choice.
Is it odd to be afraid? Hardly, old soldiers, ex-prisoners, they all got to get used to suddenly being free again and it ain't easy. Breaking free from abuse is not suddenly going to be great because for the last year you have learned to do as he says to avoid problems. And now you have to suddenly life your own life again.
But as hard as that may be, remember what you escaped from. Why you escaped from it. Do you really want to get back to it? Because he has not changed at all.
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A
female
reader, Sminky  +, writes (8 December 2009):
 You need to get out and away from this man. If you don't have the strength right now, focus on getting it. You have had the courage to do this, don't stop now.
Your ex is controlling you and it will not have a good effect on your daughter to see you controlled in this way. The only person not allowed in the house should be him, he can see your daughter somewhere else. Use this time to expand your horizons and build confidence, whether its a night class to make friends or self esteem classes. Get help to build your confidence, professional and use your friends.
When you feel ready, you can approach your Dad, on his own if possible. When he sees how determined you are to be a good mother, he may offer support. If not, just decide to prove him wrong.
Your daughter will be so proud of you if you can do this. Just focus on that and take it one step at a time.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 December 2009):
Well I'm glad you came here :).
First of all, under no circumstances whatsoever must you take your ex back. He has not changed at all, do not take him back. The proof is that he he trying to stop you having friends yet again. He's done it before, now he's trying it again. Do not take him back, he will destroy you. He is a controlling, manipulative man and he's not interested in your happiness at all. Don't take him back, and don't listen to his 'advice' either, because it's all aimed at undermining you.
You have the right to friends, male or female, and you have the right to have them at your house, though I do think it's wise not to have males at your house, given that you live with your daughter. Again, don't give them up at all. They are your outlet, and your ex wants you to get rid of them so he can control you.
Your lack of confidence is the problem. Your ex picked you because you were vulnerable and he knew he could control you. So address your huge lack of confidence, and you will start to feel better. The first thing you really need is counselling. There is so much that has happened to you, and you need to get it all out with someone who can help you understand how you feel, so I really would recommend a counsellor.
As for your father, extend your hand to him only when you've built your confidence up again. He's your father, so he should really be coming to you, not the other way around. But build up your confidence and then try talking to him.
You're at a point in your life where you need to focus on yourself. Because of your past treatment, you're vulnerable to your ex. The one thing I can say with certainty is he hasn't changed, and is out to do nothing but control you. so no matter what, don't listen to him, don't take him back. Focus on your own life, and focus on building up your own confidence again. Your daughter needs you to be strong, so start building up again, then you'll be able to move on.
But for God's sake, forget the ex.
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