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writes: Hi there, I think this site is wonderful, it has helped me so much being able to share my problems and getting feedback. I was wondering if anyone else shared this problem. I live with my partner in his house. Up until I moved in with him, I always had my own home and whether it was a flat or council house, I was happy and felt independant. Now I have a comfortable life, no money worries (a first for me), a good partner who is not mean with money but I feel something is not right and I think it's because the house doesn't really feel like 'home'. My partner is very minimilist whilst I like lots of family photos around me so I am lucky enough to have the spare room where I have all my stuff. But I don't like the carpets or furnishings and although he could afford to change them, he doesn't like spending money for what he calls 'no good reason'. I only felt able to change the light shades a few months ago because I hated the ones he had. By the way, he has never been married or had a partner so his sister chose most of the carpets and furniture when he bought the house. Part of me feels really ungrateful for wanting 'everything' and I think I should be more than happy when there are people living in squalor and hardship. I would love to share this with other people who have given up their own home to move in with a partner.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for everyone who has taken the trouble to reply. Most of the advice is very sound like buying small things together etc. Re having photos of the two of us - he hates having his photo taken and I did manage to get my daughter to take one of us both on his birthday I primed her first, I would put my arms around his shoulders from behind and she would have to aim and shoot otherwise he would turn his head away. It turned out a lovely photo which I framed and put on the sideboard. He made some comment about it spoiling the look of the room and I felt hurt and removed it. I feel hurt every time I think of this, that I was so proud of having a lovely photo of both of us but it meant nothing to him (my eyes are filling with tears now as I write this). I guess he is what he is. My mother always said she felt envious of friends who had a man who actually wanted to take a picture of their wife or asked someone to take a photo of them together because she never had that from my father - but that's another story!
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reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (11 November 2010):
 I think the issue is not the furniture but your loss of Independence. You don't get that back by changing the carpet.
When you have up your own home, you gave up your own nest that you had build, created, lived in. Now you are living in his. The one he build, created and lived in. And that reminds you NOT of how horrible the carpet is, but that YOU did not pick it out.
But changing it won't really fix anything because it is still HIS house. You can make it YOUR furniture but that still doesn't make it a HOME.
A home is where a family lives. What makes a family home a home? The carpet, the fridge OR the kids drawing on the fridge?
Rather then wasting money on replacing his stuff with yours, why not add "our" stuff to the house. Not pictures of YOUR family, but "our" family, you and him, together.
Add details that you TWO picked out, together. Remember, it is HIS house. He made those choices so by removing what he choose, you are forcing him to throw away his belongings.
If you want to get rid of his, you need to get rid of yours. Bye bye family pictures.
Or you can add "ours" to his and yours. That would make it a home in my view.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 November 2010):
 Well, do you pay rent? I think it is only fair that you get to have a say in what furniture etc you should have, as you live there as well, provided you pay for it with your own money if he doesn't like to spend money on those things. But you are not married, and it is not "our home", but "his" home still. You could try and make it a bit more yours, but I think it is best if you buy the furniture you want with your own money.
Of course, it also needs to be ok with him if you want to add things, and you do not have a right to throw out his old furniture... But it doesn't sound like he cares much for interior, so I don't think it should be a difficult conversation to be had. Just ask him how he feels about you giving his home a touch of what you feel comfortable with, ask if it would be ok if you picked out some new carpets for example etc. Do not tell him you think what he already has is ugly, or not good enough or anything like that, just say you do not mind what he has, but as you live here now you'd love to have a bit more of your personal style to the interior as well, and ask if the two of you could come to an agreement on certain things and furniture together. If you add something to "his" home (as it actually legally still is his home), it should preferably be something he enjoys as well.
PS. You really want to avoid a situation where he feels you take over his house. That would cause an uproar.
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reader, Jeanine72  +, writes (11 November 2010):
Wow! You are me! :-) Okay, I am in the exact same situation. My son and I moved in with my boyfriend and his kids about 6 months ago. I was feeling the exact same way...that this is his house. It didn't feel like 'our' house at all. I sold most of my things when moving in because we didn't need it. However, I see that was a mistake now. We should have gotten rid of some of mine and some of his and combined both. At this point, we don't have anything that is 'ours'. It's either his, or mine (and 'mine' is nothing but a tv and a hutch). I ended up 'melting down' about 2 months ago about this because it was really getting to me. Since then, we have bought little things together. Some kitchen stuff, new bedroom furnishings, just a few small things here and there. However, the point is, is that he understood. He felt badly that I felt that way about living here and little by little we are buying new stuff to make it all 'ours'. Also, we are house hunting soon. We plan on getting married next year and want a home that is 'ours'. He is so sweet about it.
So, long story short, my suggestion would be to talk to him. He may not know how you feel. Obviously he cares for you or you two wouldn't be living together. Going out and buying things together so you both agree on it, will be fun for you two. That way you are both involved in making this home, a home you both love and feel comfortable in.
Good luck! I wish you the best!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): So do you feel like a sort of guest at his house, rather than living there with him? I think I can understand that. I don't know how long you have been living with him, but I think it is natural to feel that way at first. Over time, it can get better.
I guess changing the carpets and furnishings might be a bit of a big job and not very practical, but there are other little things you could try. If you have the spare room for yourself, that's great. Maybe you could make that "your place", somewhere where you can have it exactly as you would like it. I know it is not the same as feeling at home in the whole house, but it might be comforting to have one room to call your own.
If there are any little pictures or ornaments that would make it feel more homely for you, or if you would like a photo up somewhere, do you think he would be more understanding if you explained how much it would mean to you? I can understand if he doesn't particularly like the idea of having a lot of decorations and pictures up. But since you are both living there, you deserve to have some say too.
Maybe you could say something like, "Would you mind if I put this photo here? It would mean so much to me to be able to see it everyday." Or maybe you could try and tell him that you are finding it strange living there, and are trying to find ways to feel more at home. Maybe if he understood more about how you felt, he would be more accepting of your suggestions.
I hope you start to feel more settled soon. It can be difficult when living in someone else's house, even if that person is a partner. Hopefully with more time, things will fall into place and you will feel more at home.
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reader, Alexisonfire  +, writes (11 November 2010):
 The part of living together is that you share everything. Yes it was his house first but don't feel like your a guest in his home. Because its your home now to.
He is too used to having everything on his own and now this is different for him.
You made a small change with the light shades and you could make a few more small changes. You could ask him if you can change things over time, small things, and in time he should get comfortable with things changing.
If he doesn't agree explain to him how you feel and that you are a small bit umcomfortable and the two of yous could make some compromise that would make you both happpy. Good luck :)
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reader, sammi star  +, writes (11 November 2010):
 I can kind of understand your situation although it's the other way round for me...it's my house and my partner moved in. I knew something wasn't right when he still kept refering to it as 'your house' etc. When I asked him about it he said that it just didn't feel like his home, mostly my things in the house, my choice of furniture, my decor...I hated to think that he was feeling like this. I'm sure your partner would to. Have you spoken to him about it? Maybe he doesn't understand how much it's getting to you. Living together as a couple means sacrifice and compromise and he should be willing to change a few pieces of furniture to help you feel more relaxed in what is your shared home now. You shouldn't feel bad for wanting these changes. Reassure him that you're grateful for everything that he does but be firm and stand your ground about the things you want, it isn't just his home anymore.
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