A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey all, Why are some guys so afraid of commitment? My boyfriend and I have been dating for close to 3 years now and we're both still early 20's. My ideal marriage age is somewhere between 24-26 but recently, he just told me he thinks anyone who gets married before at least 30 is "crazy". He's talked about our future together occasionally, usually dealing with "our house" or "our kids". We got into an argument over the age of marriage because I don't see the point in dating someone for literally over 10 years. Am I being unreasonable? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): Guys aren't afraid of commitment but they are deathly afraid of committing to the wrong person. He should know after three years if he intends to marry you. My guess is he doesn't.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): I got married at age 24. Now I'm 35 and I'm ready to divorce.I wish I had waited til I was over 30 to marry. seriously, you and/or your partner can really change and mature from life experiences still in your 20s. I'm not the same person now as I was at 25, neither is my husband.I'm not the only one my age who's married and feels this way,many people I know regret having married before 30, even before 35.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 March 2011):
 you are not being unreasonable at all. It is my belief that when an adult man, of 21 or more, meets a woman he wants to spend his life with, that he knows that fact, within the first year of meeting her, and from commencing a relationship with her.And an important sign is when a man suddenly will NOT discuss this girl's attributes, and needs with his trusted male friends. Unlike the way he treats woman he is having a fling with - where he will boast about everything to his male friends.In those circumstances, where he 'knows' she is 'the one' it is not unusual for such a man to propose marriage in the first twelve months of the relationship and for the girl to accept an engagement drink from her chosen man. Believe me, a 'commitment' without an engagement ring does not respect society norms. No ring? The couple are not engaged.Once the ring is on her finger it is my belief that the couple need to enter into serious discussion about things that must be discussed openly.If he or she baulk at talking about values, attitudes, expectations, beliefs, financials, children, lifestyle, in-laws then be afraid. And the couple must start putting each other first.If he or she are in the habit of running home to their parent/s or grand parent/s at the first sign of disagreement start being concerned.If he or she are still sharing every little snippet of the private moments of the relationship with their friends they are not ready for marriage.But if things are going well i believe a man ready and intent on marriage, and who believes he has met the woman he wants to marry then it is full steam ahead. If the girl feels the same way then the couple will have set the date for the marriage, and be well on the way to the Marriage day before the relationship before the two year mark.If, after two years in a relationship that the couple are not getting very close to being married, and where the man was 21 or more at the start of the relationship then it is all downhill. If after two years together he does not even want to talk engagement ring and has not already want to get married within 12 months then I would walk away.Because he is just playing. A man of 21 or more may not have enough financial backing to marry, but if his studies are on track, and his responsible attitude is already evident, then this is a good thing. Especially such a responsible attitude will already still qualify him for marriage IF his studies at University are on track. And if he is funding his life while studying with a part time job that shows responsibility. And if he is not out every night drinking excessively. And if he is lready emotionally has a respectful attitude to women. Then he too can be ready for marriage. But why do i not fix a lower age for the contemplation of marriage? It is not ageist on my part. My thoughts come from observation of others, and theirrelationships. And seeing so many marriages end in tears. Up to the age of 18 i believe that men are still 'sampling' what is on offer sexually. It has been that way for a long time.From 18-21 i think is a good time for a man to establish his ideas on what it is he needs and wants as a career direction and or his study direction. It is also a time when he is mature enough to weigh up the attributes that are needed in a wife. Though not to take a wife too early. As then a man, who marries under the age of 20, can wake up one day and think at 30, 'Did I miss out on a male youth period of fun?'Though mostly in the 18-21 a guy has come to realise what he likes and does not like in a sexual partner and he is enjoying searching for willing and available sexual partners.He is not yet ready to know what makes a good wife, even if he imagines that he already knows it all. Unfortunately players never get over being mobile roaming sexual lotharios and are emotionally stuck at 18 or less for the rest of their lives - that is why marrying a player is such a recipe for disaster.But a good sexual partner does not necessarily equate to an appropriate life partner.Marriages based on just sexual chemistry and the sexual aspect fail to see the bigger needs required to make marriage work. Marriage and settling down and being responsible is an expensive time and requires excelllent communication and social skills and discipline and commitment to make it work. Even more so after children arrive in any relationship - married or not re when children arrive .Often girls at 18 are more mature than a guy of the same age. therefore from 18 - 21 onwards i think girls are physically and emotiomally responsible enough to consider and handle the discipline and responsibility of settling down.best wishes,Abella
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 March 2011):
I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. I think you are two people who have already found that you have different ideas in life. So the question now, is whether you are willing to throw the 3 year relationship away in the hope of meeting someone to marry between 24-26, or whether you love your boyfriend enough (and who has already been committed for 3 years, by the way) to wait until he wants to marry. In many respects, your boyfriend is being sensible. In a world where 50% of marriage basically end in divorce, I do believe that waiting and ensuring the person you're with is the 'One' is far safer than making the jump too quickly. Also, whilst I know you want to marry, I think setting an age limit for yourself is a bit dangerous. It shouldn't be about the age at which you marry, but rather about whether you are with the right person for you. You almost seem to be making the big mistake of placing the emphasis on the idea of marriage, rather than the reasons for marriage. That's bad - it means you're more likely to marry for the sake of it and wind up divorced. You now need to decide whether your boyfriend is the man you want to be with for the rest of your life, or whether you want to go it alone and hope that you meet someone who shares the same ideas about marriage as you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): There's a big difference between someone who's AFRAID of commitment and someone who just doesn't want to commit. Dunno why its always gotta be labeled "afraid".So he doesn't want to get married before 30... So you want to get married by 24-26... Can you come to some kind of compromise in the middle? Neither of you is more wrong or more right than the other.
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