A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I feel like my boyfriend is taking me for granted. We are both 30. We've been together for half a year. The first four months were amazing. We always had a lot to talk about, he was very outgoing and chatty, and affectionate, and we did many things together. We were very compatible personality wise and he's always there when I needed him and vice versa. We talked about our future. I could go on and on but basically it was a wonderful relationship. Then two months ago he suddenly changed. We had an amazing date one weekend and he called me the next day just to hear my voice. Then the following weekend he was very cold, distant, and did not make eye contact or physical affection. I asked if everything's okay and he was surprised and said everything's fine. For the next two months his communication dropped from daily to weekly. I cut him slack because he's swamped with work. One month ago his client and workload increased by 30%. He started his own business at 17 and has always been a hard worker and I'm proud of him. But when I text he responds the next day. We both make plans but he plans or changes them last minute. Occasionally cancels last minute too. He uses a live photo app to show me he's working but I still think all this last minute activity is disrespectful. Although I know he sometimes can't help it and can't predict his workload. He's always posting about his work on Facebook so I know he's working and not doing anything dirty. But I feel he's taking me for granted. I talked to him about this and he seems surprised and says he doesn't feel anything between us changed. I said I would like better communication and he's been responding faster. But something doesn't feel right. I feel he checked out but won't admit it. Or he wants me to break up with him. I love him but he's not the man I fell in love with and loved for four months. He rarely makes eye contact or conversation (in person) now. Our dates are quiet or feels one sided. And I'm afraid to approach him again. He's overwhelmed with work but I believe if he cares he will not act like this. Any advice? I feel awful saying this but I feel like he's all body and money now. I miss him and the way he used to be. I'm afraid this is him showing his true colors, the real him.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 June 2016):
 With all due respect, anon female..
It seems Auntie Cindy and I see more eye to eyes (as usual), than you and I do (which is fine, mind you).
IN this case, OP's story... they have been together for 6 months. She SHOULD not orbit him, and being a women has nothing to do with it. If OP had been a guy, I'd say the same. DON'T orbit a person like you are the Moon, and thus "less" important.
A woman (and a man) NEEDS to have a life of their own, not just wait for the guy to make the plans, to take the initiatives, to call, to texts, to take action.
You (general you) NEED to be your own person. Doesn't mean you can't be a part of a good relationship, actually I think it makes having relationships and friendships easier.
I do agree that many women fall into the "trap" of wanting to please and be the BESTEST GF in the World by making their partner the center of the Universe, and sometimes they lose themselves and their partners lose attraction for them because they become these needy people instead of that independent women he originally fell for.
And Amen, Auntie Cindy...
"Women are not natural-born victims. Unless they want to be."
Besides.... I wasn't telling OP what to do, only what I would advice in this situation. She might have to reach some epiphany on her own, surely we ALL have to, but she wouldn't have written on DC if she wasn't looking for other viewpoints and advice on WHAT she can do with this situation. Does it mean I think mine is the only view point? No, of course not. EVERY OP who writes in can take what they think works for THEM from the advice given. That is why DC is great, there isn't just ONE viewpoint. OPs can take it or leave it.
So maybe... Anon female... leave YOUR advice to the OP - no need to critique me, or other aunts/uncles who posts advice. You may not agree with me, OP might not either... but that's not the point. Point is, to give ADVICE to the OP from YOUR personal viewpoint.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 June 2016):
 Anon female : if this is how you feel personally because of past or current experiences, simply as a fellow human being I can't but feel sorry for your pain, and wish you healing, recovery and peace of mind. Nobody loves hearing that someone is in pain, - even when this pain is self inflicted,- and of course I hope for you that you can find soon all the love that you deserve and that apparently you don't get from whatever you are living right now.
Said that... sorry, no, no and no. I just can't stand letting pass unchallenged this kind of DANGEROUS, disempowering messages where it's implied that all women are doomed, by biology or culture ?, to be neurotic wrecks without any control over their emotions, feelings and thoughts, no other interest in life than being in some sort of disfunctional couple, no recourse against mistreatment and indifference by a selfish partner.
That' s not what happens in real life, to an average reasonably well balanced, well adjusted adult woman with a decent sense of self ( to avoid using the inflationed term " self esteem " ) and an average capacity of setting boundaries. If this does not happen- it means there are other problems at the root, beyond and before having met a " bad one ".
Women are patient- but they aren't unconditionally long suffering. Normally , each of us has boundaries , a sort of " 3 strikes you are out system ", a point were we draw the line. If someone adopts an attitude of always pushing the line further away, until until until... next time, that's not normal, it's not inevitable , it's not a biological " curse " like our menstrual cycles- and it's not a gender issue, but a personality issue. There's something to be fixed with that specific person 's life vision and beliefs system . Being female does not warrant or generate necessarily obsession or Stockholm's syndrome.
One thing is having a strong focus on relationships and all another one is becoming fusional and totally losing sight of yourself , of your wants needs and value, when in a relationship. That's not something that happens normally and inevitably- and if it does, it CAN and it should be fought against actively by any tools at your disposal, not just meekly accomodated.
Women are not natural-born victims. Unless they want to be.
It may be that women are "natural" nurturers, and caretakers of relationships. The one who tend to row the boat more. That's much more a social ,economical and cultural construct than a biological imperative, but this would be a veeery long digression, so let's skip it.
Let's just say that , supposing there's a tendency in nature, - we have culture and education and self awareness to keep it in check. Homo sapiens, for instance, is a naturally aggressive, violent species. We all have the instinct to use physical force to defend our belongings, territory and status. Just look at toddlers, if there's a controversy about a toy, first they'll hit then they'll ask questions, before they are trained to use other means for conflict resolution. KILLING an enemy is a very natural instinct- nonetheless luckily , with a few unlucky exceptions, we do not kill the neighbour who just stole our parking spot , even if " naturally " we would be inclined to do just that.
So, at the end of the day it is irrelevant if these merging, self effacing instinct when in relationship is a " woman's thing " , as you seem to say, and as I don't believe. It is still something that CAN and should be changed when it appears, as long as the person is willing to use the tools and make the sincere effort to bring on changes and live healthier relationships.
If they don't want... ah well... anything that one does not WANT to do, becomes " too hard ", " too difficult "
" Unattainable "....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2016): Fantastic line indeed, Honeypie.But words are easier said.Of course he's her moon and she orbits his universe. That is what most women do. We got lost in relationships. It is what we thrive on. Live for. They define us. Right or wrong, we place a strong emphasis on relationships as women.So, hopefully she can remove her heart from this. A tall order. I know. Been there. And still not successful.As long as we women are emotional and not thinking practically, it is hard to separate ourselves from the men we care about. Even when it seems they are checking out of the relationship. We go on advice forums like this one grasping at straws, hoping somebody could tell us something to reassure us that our worst fears will not come true. That we are perhaps seeing it all wrong. That maybe there is something we did not do or did not do right. She the OP, like any woman in her situation, will have to reach her own ephiphany, her own breaking point. Women are experts at rowing the boat. And will keep rowing it... until... well, that is for each woman to decide for herself.The final straw might be the final straw until. Then she changes her mind. Until...
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A
female
reader, miss frank  +, writes (26 June 2016):
' don't be his moon. Don't orbit his life' fantastic line to be applied to any relationship! Totally agree with honey-pie!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 June 2016):
4 months was the amount of time he could keep up the facade of "loving" partner after that, it's too much work for him. So my guess is... THIS is who he is.
Work comes first. Then himself, then family, friends and you. ( not necessarily in that order)
So my advice? If you think there is still apart of you that wants to date him... BE BUSY with your life, YOUR friend, family, hobbies, work, school whatnots and FIT him in IF you have an opening, DO NOT be super available, while his business is important SO are YOU.
Either he PICKS up on this or... he totally drops the ball.
It can also be that SOME of his business is seasonal and thus THIS is him busy time. That is why I wouldn't totally write him off if he otherwise is a good guy, I just would STOP sitting on my hands waiting on him to WANT to spend time.
Don't be his moon, don't orbit his life.
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