A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So, I'm not sure whether this is my problem or my bf's problem, but basically, when we have sex, it always feels like f***ing/sh*gging, not making love. In previous relationships, I've felt a difference between the two, and have felt like ex bfs and I made love at times. But with my current bf (we've been together 1 yr and everything else is good) I've never felt like we've made love. We love each other, but when it comes to sex, I always feel he's almost trying to put a show on, maybe to emulate porn he's been watching. He doesn't seem to relax and let himself go much of the time, and I haven't felt that deep emotional connection when we have sex. When we were first dating, I thought he might be a one night stand/FWB kinda guy. I held off sleeping with him, and when we did eventually sleep together, I guess I saw it as sh*gging because I thought that was the kind of relationship he was looking for. But actually, he was looking for a serious, loving relationship.He describes what we do as 'making love', although in the act, will say 'f*ck me', 'take me'.Don't get me wrong, sh*gging has it's place in a relationship, but I kinda miss that deeper, almost spiritual feeling I've had before :(Is this my problem, our problem or a problem with him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): '....why not try to embrace it, and accept the man for what he is, limitations and all?'
Are you getting that OP? HE cannot be changed, but you sure can so who don't you? Just embrace him for the man he is and YOU do all the accomodating. If you feel like a piece of meat in a skin flick re-enactment...don't take it personally. It's just a man's way. Nice.
You've been accepting enough. All you'r asking for is that sex be as enjoyable for you as it is for him. Time for HIM to start embracing, accepting and accomodating.
A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (14 August 2011):
 I shouldn't be surprised by the number of people here who seem to think there is a 'right' or 'wrong' way to have sex, but I always am. Sex is a purely individual mindset, everyone has different reactions, responses and desires, but we all want the same culmination, a mind blowing session. We all use different processes to reach our ultimate joy.When I was a young, good looking share trader, I went out with a large cross section of women. Many had a largely spiritual and romantic view of relationships and sex, where the 'deep emotional connection' during sex was of the utmost importance, while others wanted simply to be shagged senseless, some wanted to be dominant and completely in control, some wanted a little pain, and others wanted to be completely dominated by maleness. I guess you and your partner have slightly different sexual mindsets, but I wouldn't say one or other is right or wrong. To your mind, sex equates to 'making love', and an expression of your deepest emotions. You have given yourself up completely, which is good news. But remember, he is not the same as you, so even if he doesn't express himself emotionally, or you don't feel that absolute connection with his heart and mind during sex, this is not a 'problem' as such, especially if the sex is good. It is simply a difference. If the lack of connection is bothering you, then you need to tell him bluntly (thats how we males understand), but honestly, you will not change the sexual mindset that makes him what he is. People are what they are. It doesn't mean that he looks upon you as a sexual plaything, or some piece of meat, he is just different from you. Instead of highlighting your difference, and trying to change him, why not try to embrace it, and accept the man for what he is, limitations and all? Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): There is nothing wrong with you. In your discussion with him be SPECIFIC about what you DO want. Telling him to 'relax and let himself go' and that you don't 'feel that deep emotional connection' is rather vague. He'll understand that you're not happy because he's doing something wrong, but he won't really know how to correct it. The other benefit of focusing on what you do like instead of what you don't is that it's a positive statement rather than a negative one. People are more receptive to compliments and tend to have their backs up when they think they are being criticized.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): i would say you should tell him how you feel. maybe explain to him your opinoin on the difference between making love and just f***ing. hopefully he'll take your advice:)
best of luck:)
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