A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My bf is extremely jealous of my gay friends. I am a female, who has always been around gay male friends. All of my best friends had always been gay. My high school friends is gay, my college friend is gay, and now my work buddy is gay. I have always been surrounded by gay male friends. I really don't know why, but I do I have a lot of male gay friends. Now, I am not gay, I like man... and I have never thought of being gay, that is not me. But, my bf seems to have a huge problem over it. The problem started when I got a promotion. The place I run, it's very gay friendly. I can't say much about my job, but I have to deal with a lot of the LGBT community. I love my job and part of it is dealing with gay persons and I was extremely happy, 'cause I totally support their cause, and I am all pro-gay all the way. Nevertheless, this has created a lot of issues with my bf. I have been having to go to events, and meet even more gay people. He says he has nothing against gay people, but that I somehow get consumed with gay that i don't leave enough time for him. He wants me to cut off my close relationship with my gay friends..... And I refused... We've been fighting over this for months... and I just don't see where he is right... 'cause he is so wrong... He is checking my phone, fb, and whole life to see if I am talking to them... I refused to change my life, this is who I am and I should not be hiding myslelf from him...He says quote "it is like if you have a relationship with gay male friends" " like if you are in love with each other... I think it is crazy of my bf thinking that I have feeling for gay....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): As someone else said, this is a huge red flag for an abusive relationship. This doesn't appear to have anything to do with LGBT, but more to do with his need for control. An _unreasonable_ amount of control. This is the kind of behavior that will only continue to escalate even if you completely cut off all relationships with anyone that isn't heterosexual. Any outside interests will be competition for this type of person.
Please take all of these answers to heart and get out while you can. That isn't hyperbole. I am genuinely concerned for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): I just posted, but would like to add a thought....you say you are 30-35.I am,too. Are you ,by chance, childfree by choice?
I only ask because often, arround our age, most people start to have kids, and the childed lifestyle soon follows. Early nights....bye bye,spontenaiety....conversations about good schools and cartoons (and not the good ones)...
To many childfree by choice people,regardless of wheather they are gay or straight or somewhere in between, that lifestyle seems intolerably boring. Most gay people don't have kids,since it's the default setting(lucky £$$"%^$"£s! lol )and don't worry as much about the expectations of general mainstream society, because they have already taken a big dive off the Lifescript platform just for following their heart as far as who they want to be with.
I am really putting myself out there with this, because it is how I personally feel (guess I am 'coming out'lol),just in case it might help you work out what you're going through.
I generally talk to and spend time with people who are gay, not because they are gay, but because they don't live(or constantly live,or best of all expect me to live!) the childed,minivan driving,suburban lifestyle I recoiled from when I was still a kid myself.They are my closest friends because they don't blankly look at me or enviously say "must be nice" or " I don't have tiiime ,I'm a bizzy maaawm" when I talk of festivals or nights out or art exhibits or music/writers/interesting characters or, well, all the things that make life worthwhile to me.They don't question me for who I am.Oh-and they don't get offended when I call people who have kids "breeders! lol.
Anyway,if this is somewhat something you can relate to, there could be bigger issues. If not, excuse the long post.
I can tell you from observation, though, if one of you wants a creative,free lifestyle where you can pursue interests and enjoy life together as equals,and the other wants the house/kids/neighbourhood lifestyle where women tend to lose and get stuck with most kid related work and less of a life by societally expected pressure and capitulation, there could be trouble ahead.
If this helps you explain yourself, cool. Hope you work things out for yourself, with or without Mr Possible Homophobe.
Best of luck to you .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): Try to find out why he feels that way. If it's learned prejudices or fears(some people are raised in environments where ignorance isthe default setting) maybe there is hope . If it's innate prejudice , or if he is unwilling to even try-dump him !
There is absolutely no reason for anyone to demand you give up your friends, which will hurt them as well as you, unless there is a good reason. A good reason might be if they are involved in something that could cause harm to you or others.
I would say I'm lucky to have a husband who doesn't base friendship on things like eye/skin colour or gender preference, but if he wasn't that way, he wouldn't be my husband.
If your boyfriend is really the right guy for you, he will accept who YOU are,and that includes the people you love and value.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): I am also a straight married woman who is supportive/involved in LGBT issues. I consider it a very important part of who I am, and I wouldn't let anyone tell me that I had to give that up. This guy is using your friendships/work as an excuse. I guarantee that if you gave it up, he would object to the next job/friends/family that replaced it. Snooping your facebook and email is the waving red flag. It says that he is insecure and will attempt to control you over everything that he decides is unacceptable. My best advice to you is run away FAST from this guy. He has controller/abuser written all over him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): My husband and I have been together for a total of 11 years and throughout those 11 years, I have always had close friends who are gay. In fact, he has a cousin that is gay and I became and remain very close with her & her partner over the years, and so has my husband. My husband has always been very supportive of my relationships with my gay friends. He treats them the same way he would treat my heterosexual friends. We are secure in our marriage and our sexuality, therefore, no threat is posed by our friends whether they are homosexual or heterosexual. With that being said, I would not tolerate my significant other dictating who I can and cannot be friends with. Clearly, your boyfriend has issues that he has yet to deal with, and if he has a problem with who you are friends with, I'm pretty sure there will be more problems to come. He obviously has trust issues and those may only lie with your gay friendships now, but may grow more and more severe as time goes on. I would explore my other options for a significant other if I were you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): Regardless of whether or not he agrees with your involvement with the LGBT community, it is obvious to me that he does not trust you and cannot respect you for who you are. By constantly checking your phone and fb, he is attempting to change you and control your life. Unless you want him to do that to you (and he will continue to do similar things regardless of what you do), you need to end the relationship. I understand this is difficult, and perhaps having a heart to heart conversation with him about why he feels the way he does may help to change his mind. But if it doesn't, just keep in mind that it won't get any better with time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): I would dump his ass. He can't control your life and if he has such a huge problem with what goes on in your life that he has to ask you to change your life, he's not worth it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): Being apart of the LGBT community is a part of who you are. It defines you as you.He either needs to accept that or leave. The two of you remaining as a couple is doing neither of you any favors if he can not accept the fact that the gay community plays a major role in your life. It isn't fair, or healthy, for you to turn your back on who you are in order to meet what he wants.Honestly, I'd say break it off with him. This isn't exactly something that either of you would be comfortable compromising on. In the end one of you will feel that you've received the short end of the stick and will grow to resent the other.
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A
female
reader, Azshell77 +, writes (14 August 2011):
I think that whether you were spending too much time with female straight friends or gay male friends, he'd still have a problem with it. Do you spend a lot of time with your friends outside of work? If you do, then maybe you should figure out how to balance you relationships. Do you ask him to hang out with you & your friends? If so & he says no, then that's his problem. I really don't think he has a problem with the fact that all or most of your friends are men & gay. Any normal boyfriend should be happy that their girlfriend prefers to hang out with men that don't want to sleep with her. :-)
If after you think hard about how much you actually do hang out with your friends outside of work or how much you talk to/txt/FB outside of work, & you notice that it's not that much, then he does have jealousy issues that he needs to work out. Does he do things outside of work without you? Does he have friends? Or is all of his attention on you? Maybe you should talk to someone you know outside of your everyday life. Get their opinion on whether you're spending too much time with friends & not enough time with your boyfriend.
I'm not going to tell you to leave him or stay with him. No matter what I say, you're not going to listen til you're ready. But I hope you really think about this before your final decision. Good Luck.
Lots of Luv,
Shell
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): Ummm, first of all, if he's checking your accounts, he doesn't trust you and you should maybe consider dumping him for that. Second, he has absolutely NO right to tell you who your friends can be. Period. Unless your gay friends are actually getting you into trouble, he really doesn't have a leg to stand on. Kick him to the curb.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): It sounds like he has issues that are transferring to this one that are causing him to be jealous. That is his issue, not yours, and because of that, he probably will not change until he confronts them. Your options are pretty much to help him deal with these issues and continue your job, give in to his jealousy, which is probably not something even he wants if he loves you because it would change the person he fell in love with, or as someone previously stated, dump him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): A lot of straight men would have trouble being around so much gayness. It seems that's all you want to do. Every social situation, your work, etc. involves LGBT in some way. You're asking a lot of your BF. That's not to say I think he's right and you're wrong. Far from it. I don't think there is a right and wrong here, but there is an incompatibility. A fatal one it would seem. He's not going to ever be comfortable with your degree of involvement, and you're not going to give up on something that is so important to you. Not right, not wrong, but incompatible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): Don't let him control you. Stand up for what you want and if he refuses to respect you for it, move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): This is the way I see it: If you have felt so strongly supportive of the LGBT community- even as an ally- that you've made a career of promoting equality, it is a big part of who you are as a person. If someone were to exchange your involvement with/ support of the LGBT community for something along the lines of religious affiliation- him asking that of you would be a no-brainer for most people. If a person cannot accept, not necessarily embrace, but accept and respect your personal views, then they are not really accepting of who you are. I do not believe that anyone is worth another person giving up an integral part of themselves. I would say that you need to have a look at the relationship itself and decide if it's something you should try to salvage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): Do you want to continue living this way forever? Because it seems your boyfriend's mind is made up. As long as you stay with him, he will continue to fight with you and snoop through your facebook (unless you change your password) and your phone. It doesn't sound like you are okay with that.And to say that it's like you are in a relationship with your gay friends leads me to believe that he will be jealous like this over anyone you spend a significant amount of time with. Think about it. He has to know that there is no lustful feelings- they're GAY! So if he's getting upset over gay men with no interest in you, what about female friends or heterosexual men or bi/lesbian women?Now, if you feel that maybe you have been a little over-consumed with your job and friends, try carving out some alone time for him, without interruption. If that fixes the issue, then great. If not, once again, ask yourself if you are alright with his behavior enough to stay with him
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A
female
reader, arialovesthegays  +, writes (14 August 2011):
i think you just need to think is this guy really worth giving up all my really good friends and also he does kno that the word gay means interested in MEN not WOMEN
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): I would say, "Dump him."
The guy sounds way too controlling for your own good.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): Your bf needs to grow up. Even if you did have a remote sexual interest in any of the gay men you meet or work with, it is highly unlikely the feelings are mutual. Even your best gay friends are more like close companions who happen to be guys, but they don't have any interest in you sexually. Since you work with gay men on a daily basis in your job setting, your bf will have to either accept them as part of your life, or find a new gf. Thank you for your support of GLBT civil rights, we always need allies. I would sit your man down, talk with him, and settle his insecurities. Given all that, perhaps you can carve more time out of your day for him, and shut off your electronic devices more often; try to see where he is coming from and be supportive of how he feels. Good luck.
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