A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of two years discovered his first love at age 10. He loved this girl from age 10 to 18. He "moved on" when he went away to college. The love was never returned and throughout that time he told her many times that he loved her and she just snubbed him. They still see each other all the time because they attend the same church and have a lot of mutual friends. She usually ignores him, apart from an occasional "hi." I'm his first real girlfriend. He's had internet lovers, one night stands, and friends with benefits in the past but he's never had something stable like what we have. Right now we are enduring an LDR for the summer. Today, my bf called me and we talked for a while until he told me he had to hang up because he was supposed to take his brother to a meeting. He hadn't contacted me again for a few hours after we hung up.Suddenly he texts me telling me he's at a church outing. I asked him what kind of outing and he never answered. I found this to be strange but I just assumed he had his phone on silent. Later he calls me and I asked him what kind of outing it was and he said it was his first love's birthday party. I asked him why he went and he just kinda downplayed my question. I tried not to seem bothered, but it bothered me greatly. I would just like to get someone's opinion on the matter before I talk to him about my feelings.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 June 2011):
 It's ok to have a soft spot for someone, it isn't dangerous to your relationship. Parents always have soft spots for their children, and THAT often comes at the expense of a new partner. Children are also always prioritized, which is understandable. But you understand my point, there doesn't need to be a romantic interest for someone to have a soft spot for someone. Many men have soft spots for their mother too, or younger sister.
The problem does not lie in any soft spots. It is only a problem if it does actual harm to the relationship, such as you coming second to this other person, not being heard in the relationship, this other person being respected more than you, this other person intruding and making the relationship impossible (as in the case of the evil mother in laws of the world).
Soft spots can be annoying, but not dangerous in themselves. They are only harmful if it damages your relationship in a physical way, like keeping him from seeing you because the other gets priority etc. You can have a soft spot for an old friend as well, which have caused many girlfriends grief and annoyance when the boyfriend insist on hanging out with a douchebag of a friend.
Soft spots are common, do an evaluation of how much they intrude on your relationship and take it from there. Most don't pose a threat, some do, and if they do you need to address it. If it's not a real problem (he doesn't see her that often and she never comes by, you have a great relationship and she isn't in the way of things) then let it pass as no big deal.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): Thank you for your responses!
In response to your questions, he does not usually go to church outings because the people at his church do not like him. The type of church he goes to is very manipulative of its members and he refuses to be controlled.
Another thing that has me concerned is that he still talks about her a lot to me whenever he sees her. I believe he still does have a soft spot for her but just won't admit it. Maybe I am just over-reacting because I've never been in love before my boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 June 2011):
In two years time, can you not tell if he's over her or not? Can you not tell if he's into YOU or not?
I understand your concern, this is something that would have bothered me too, but I'll have to put this down to jealousy, and not a real threat to your relationship.
If he says he's over her, you need to trust that, or else you don't have much of a reason to be in this relationship.
Understand also that even if he does have some feelings left for her, in case he's not a cold hearted emotionless person who can rip a person that was important to him out of his life forever... (a lot of us can do that, but we're not all built like that), Do you worry that he has romantic feelings for her? That you are a substitute for her? That he secretly desires her? Or could it be that if he has some feelings for her, they are simple feelings honouring their history, or his emotional history with her? And nothing more?
I remember my first crush, whom I was in love with for two years and would cry over at night and nearly faint when I saw. I've moved on. It's fun to see him now and then and think back at how crazy I was about him, and see how things have changed. Me having had feelings for him in the past pose absolutely no threat to any current relationship. It's just history.
Haven't you ever been in love with anyone before you met your boyfriend? You just have to trust that he's not two-timing you, and that he is with YOU because he wants YOU, not her.
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (2 June 2011):
Does he usually do church outings? and was it more of a "church" thing than a "birthday" thing? I mean, did he go out of his way to attend her birthday, or did he go to a church event that just happened to be her birthday?
If he is a good guy and is trustworthy, then I wouldn't read anything in to this. Like I say, maybe he was doing this because it was a church event, his friends/family were going to be there, and it would have been more weird if he didn't have gone?
If you suspect anything weird then bring it up, but you may risk seeming that you are making a big deal over nothing. You know him best, is this just one of those times it's better to stay quiet and know you trust him, or a time you need to bring it up and say it was inappropriate of him to go?
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