A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Help! I broke up with my boyfriend last week. Two days later I felt so empty inside, like a hole was in my chest, I couldn't breathe, or think straight, that I apologised and got back together with him. Immediately the pain went away but the problems remain in the relationship. I am unhappy about aspects of the relationship but when I try to walk away I second guess everything, figure that I am to blame for my pressuring and needy behaviour and will always regret not working harder at it and analyzing too much, then I go back. In summary - he's a great guy, everyone likes him, many great qualities etc but I don't trust him - he lied when we met 1.5 yrs ago, he told me he was single when in fact he was married and living with his wife. They were living in the same house but were in the process of separation. Still, he was technically cheating on her (it was clear she didn't know, as he never gave me a home phone number and wouldn't invite me to his house) and I didn't even realise it at the time!. When I found out I left for 3 months - then he proved that he was no longer living with or was with his wife so I agreed to give it a go. I already felt strongly for him. After 6 months I discovered he was chatting to women on the Internet (a sex site) and had called one or two on the phone. I caught him out and he promised he had stopped, that he never met them, and that he only did it because he was depressed. Argh it sounds crazy as I explain this... we don't live together (he won't) and only see each other a couple of times a week. To top matters off I got pregnant by mistake, and aborted the pregnancy (he agreed of course). I feel I should be happily married with kids, so the abortion was awful. He says he loves me and that I should just stop pressuring him and we would be great. I have booked in to see a relationship counsellor but can't get in until 2 weeks away and feel like I'm going mad. I can't seem to muster the strength to break it off (I've tried many times) but I'm not happy to go on like this, any advice?
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male
reader, g247  +, writes (21 February 2008):
When we break up with someone, it's natural to feel the emptiness you felt.
It doesn't mean that it was the wrong decision though.
If you can't trust him and can't be happy with him, then the relationship has hit a roadblock that it cannot overcome.
Some people can change, some people can't. He's lied to you twice now. The second lie would tell me that perhaps he can't change.
And you both want two separate things. You want marriage but he's probably got a 'been there, done that' attitude towards it. Can you deal with that or is it too big of an issue to overcome? If it's the latter, you need to impress your opinion on him and see if he's willing to change his for the sake of you. If he's not, you have to evaluate if he's still worth it.
I'd suggest giving the relationship counselling a go, seeing what his plans for your future are and if you still can't get the satisfaction you want off the relationship, drop him. Take the emotional hit and try to find someone who suits you better.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2008): You have to be entirely honest with YOURSELF.Can you see a situation where you can be happy, settled and have no trust issues.If not admit this to yourself and accept he is damaged goods and be brave enough to move on.If you can cope with approaching the relationship with a more lighthearted see what happens attitude then give it some time.
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A
female
reader, danielle_25  +, writes (21 February 2008):
 wahhh!!I feel your situation right now, all I want to say is let him go, dont waste your time and effort on that kind of man!
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