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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi I'm a 42 year old woman. I'm not too happy in my relationship with my partner of 15 years. I had an affair early in the year, but ended it as the man was married.Now I've joined a website for married people. Well I met this young man on there but he is 20 years younger than me. We have met a couple of times, mainly for sex. I'm not sure what I'm doing it for. Do you think this could be a midlife crisis?
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female
reader, reenie +, writes (7 October 2005):
I completely disagree with Irish49! No strings attached sex CAN be fulfilling, CAN be delightful, and CAN replace the notion that all of us HAVE to be in a committed relationship.Having finally recently discovered for myself that I no longer have the desire to be entrenched in a long term, committed relationship, I've given myself permission to enjoy sex without the work of a relationship. This experience has been completely freeing, fulfilling, satisfying and rewarding for me. It is society that dictates to us that the committed relationship is something we all must strive for. Irish49 states that you can only discover bliss when you make yourself vulnerable to the man who will love you completely and never abandon you. I think she needs to look at the statistics around marriage and divorce rates. It's no longer realistic to believe that your partner will never leave you, never cheat on you, love you always, etc. Much of the time, we simply don't know WHAT he will do.Also, it's up to YOU, and YOU ALONE as to when you're going to be ready to end your current relationship. Yes, there could be many long term benefits for you if you should decide to move on, and begin to experience life on your own terms. However, only you can decide if and when this will be right for you.The only thing and the only one you have to answer to is yourself. I DON'T think you're in the middle of a mid-life crisis. What's critical about wanting and needing satisfying sexual experiences? God made us with these desires........it's up to us to decide how we're going to use them. God Bless You! You'll know what you need to do when the time is right for you to move on. Go within, talk to God, and figure it all out for yourself. Be at peace. Enjoy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2005): I think if you are seeking "no strings" sex with others,
you don't uphold much self respect for yourself. Best recheck your moral compass, dear. Having a 'no strings' sexual relationship with this man, will eventually take it's toll on you. Many women cheat because they want a desire for emotional closeness and intimacy, a desire for attention, to reaffirm their desirability, to re-experience feelings of romance and the desire, to feel “special”. Boredom, loneliness, sexual excitement are likely all the things you may be craving. Are you are just seeking "only sex" or do you want the "romance/ emotional bond" as well? I'm not sure if your going to find the emotional/love aspect with this man. It could be likely, he is just 'using' you for sex. If so, this man will never set a higher value on you than what self-value you set on yourself. He might have sex with you because you tumble easily into bed with him, but he’s not likely to take this relationship any further. Why should he? He’ll always be wondering whom you might tumble into bed with next. He will tire of you soon. Sexual relationships do run their course and tend to fade quickly, because their is NO intimacy and bond. So I have to wonder WHY you are doing this to yourself and not merely telling your husband you want a divorce and begin life anew for yourself, where you could find someone who will give you love, committment and respect.
You have to wonder..how romantic is it to stand buck-naked in front of a man who doesn't love you & doesn't really give a damn about you. The only time sex is romantic & intimate is when you can be completely vulnerable to a man with whom you can feel safe & secure with. He isn’t going to give you a disease (STD's).He isn’t going to be sleeping with other women, because he looks at you as just as one of his "good time" girls. He isn’t going to leave you because he cares more about what’s truly good for you than he cares about himself. Yes, being vulnerable to a man in that case, really is romantic and fullfilling. Only a true loving, committed relationship can offer that kind of close emotional bond and intimacy.
My suggestion-stop degrading yourself further by having menaingless sex with young men from these websites and get you and your husband into marriage counseling and see if you can rebuild what you once had. If that's not possible, get a divorce and start working on yourself. Strive to regain a healthy balance of self-respect in yourself, by truely achieving some personal values & some self-love.
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