A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I am having problems in my relationship but I believe it has something to do with myself. My boyfriend's mother allows me to come over at their home and my boyfriend took the invitation as a daily thing. I have told him before how it made me uncomfortable. Recently, his grandmother moved in temporarily and I feel obligated to eat there after school each day when all I want to do is go home to eat then rest. I stay because I wanted to be polite but it is starting to grow on me that I shouldn't be there each day because it seems like free loading. My boyfriend and I live three blocks away from each other and he insists I stay a while. His mother doesn't care whether I stay or not but the grandmother makes me feel like eating there is a must. What should I do? I have made excuses and attempts to go home. I do eat at home but my boyfriend feels like I don't eat much and so does his family. They are Hispanic and talk about me in Spanish and it makes me feel bad. I was a premature child so I have a petite size. How do I deal with this problem?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2015): I wouldnt bother to feel guilty about eating there because they are the kind sort who want to welcome you into their home in the " mi casa es su casa " way!When they talk in spanish and smile they are probably saying kind things like "isnt it nice to see that my grandson has such a good friend!"I dont think they are criticising you in any way at all!Some people think it is right to treat guests as well as possible.Others,like myself are the sort to tell you right out that youve got to help yourselves to food whenever you want it ,but this is a totally different approach and is not the traditional welcome in most places.Maybe gran feels happy for a minute, thinking she's done something kind for the day.Some people will run you through course after course until you are ready to pop.You probably know the routine: soup or starter, followed by main course,followed by enormous desert, followed byfruit, followed by cheese and biscuits ,followed by coffee, followedby hours of talking.If they do this then it is just too much!If they just give you something off the stove that is a normal thing like stew or a slice of pizza, then they are just trying to be friendly.Ask the boyfriend how to say "Enough!" in spanish so that they dont heap on spoon after spoon waiting for you to say "enough!""satisfait" is a handy french expression to say you have eatenenough and smiles all round.Dont be upset if they say "you peck like a bird" in spanish because people were always trying to fatten me up, but as i was always hungry i just got too full too quickly.We dont all have mega appetites.Im sure you are a welcome guest there.But if you feel its all too much then buy some choccies or better still bake some cookies and get them round to grandma asap before the boyfriend devours them.She will be delighted, but once again she will say a whole load of wonderful stuff in spanish like " i didnt know my grandson had such a wonderful friend and i am so glad i lived to see him bring his school friend round to visit etc.So kind to bake these cakes etc.When youre not feeling sociable youre gonna have to say to your friend "lets go to my house" and let him raid the cuoboards there.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 November 2015):
 Are they concerned for you because you have an eating disorder? Or that you seem to be underweight in some way?
"You are the sweetest and most wonderful family! I so appreciate all you do and have done for me! I am so grateful!
"Alas, due to my studies and my own family obligations, I can't be there everyday with you, though I am so appreciative of how welcoming and caring you and everyone in your family is to me! It's an amazing gift. I would be honored if you would welcome me into your home for a shared meal once a week/every other week. And it would give me and my family a great deal of pleasure to have my boyfriend over for a meal every now and again as well! I know we will never match his amazing family's cooking but it would be so kind of you to allow me and my family to enjoy his company every week/other week.
Are you getting enough sleep? Have you talked with your family about how to handle this?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2015): Stand-up for yourself and say, "I want to eat with my family today." Alternate. Maybe dinner on a weekend with his folks. Stop letting other people boss you around. Their ethnicity has nothing to do with your being passive and not politely declining an invitation; when you wish to be with your own family. You're giving your relationship a bad start. You let him overrule what you want to do, and that makes him feel he has the right to control you. I don't care what his grandmother wants. She's not your grandmother.
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