A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half now. We just moved into an apartment together. We both signed the one year lease. While I still love my boyfriend, I'm having a few issues regarding sex.I love sex and while I would love to go a lot more, I'd settle for just once a week. However, my boyfriend doesn't seem to be interested in it anymore. He loves me and he's a sweetheart when it comes to my mood swings. (I'm bipolar.) It's just that he never seems to be in the mood.Most of the time he says he's too tired, too sore, or too something. The other day he told me that he's horny in the morning, but when I try to have sex with him then he just wants to go to bed. Again, he's too tired and too sore. (He works nights.) I understand and give him backrubs often, but I don't want to do that every night. I need attention too. Or at least let me have fun by paying attention to his body. I do everything in bed to try to please him. I'm very open and my previous bedmates had no complaints.So what's wrong here? I don't think he's cheating, or that he ever would. I'm sure he loves me too because he puts up with a lot. I just don't understand why he doesn't want sex. Or why he at least wouldn't try to do it for me. If he loves me, shouldn't he want to? It makes me feel like I'm not sexy.I don't want to cheat on him and I doubt I could anyway, but I feel like he's trying to push me in that direction. Any thoughts on how I could get him interested again? I've tried almost everything from new lingerie to watching porn with him. You name it, I'll tell you if I've tried it.By the way, I have tried talking to him about our lacking sex life and he tells me the same things every time. "Too tired, too sore,etc." He also tries to reassure me that I'm sexy, though it doesn't help. I'm not sure what to do anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's terribly funny because he's so sweet and sensitive to my emotional side. He buys me ice cream at 2am just because I'm craving. He's very giving. I'm actually the selfish one, though I'm getting better with that.
We had sex last night at 3am, when I was just going to bed... Because that's when he gets in the mood. I just had to take what I got. :/
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 May 2011):
 I can admit, I have been in a relationship once where the sex was mediocre. It was good, by all means, but I had had better. I tried to make up all sorts of excuses for him, or for the sex in the relationship, but yeah. Sometimes you got to play with the cards you are dealt I guess, and even if I value sex in a relationship it is certainly not alpha and omega. If the relationship is great, but you've had better sex, the relationship will still be worth going for, in my personal opinion. You can always work on the sex and make it better in time, but that only works if your partner wants to improve as well! If the relationship was crap but the sex amazing that wouldn't be a relationship worth fighting for, just to clarify the difference.
I don't think it's a terrible thing to admit, just make sure he never knows about it. But I admitted it to some girlfriends of mine, and complained about the sex to my then boyfriend several times as well.
However, sex in a relationship is much more than the act itself. It tells a great deal about your sexual appetite, preferences, and if you are selfish or a giver. The relationship I mentioned where the sex wasn't great, this was among other things related to him NEVER initiating sex with me, I had to do all the work all the time, all the initiation, I was the one dressing up for him, he never even tried. This reflected in how he was as a person. Didn't even bother getting me flowers on valentines. But he loved his blowjobs.. yet how often would he go down on me? Not so much. And not unless asked. And when he did he didn't keep at it for long and just kept complaining about it being uncomfortable or whatnot. The same went for the rest of the relationship, he didn't contact me when he said he would, made up excuses for all things, didn't own up to his promises, was late when we were to meet up, didn't initiate us going on dates, I had to fix things 80-90 percent of the time. I was also the one who ended up having to fix all our problems, and he never had to make a compromise, I was the one who had to adjust to his tastes and wants. Lots of empty words and promises.
There were just so many little things here and there that in the end, when the relationship went bad, and the intimacy being close to zero if I didn't initiate things... well, there wasn't much to cry about once it ended.
Bad sex can definitely be a sign that the relationship dynamics aren't alright. That said, if the relationship is wonderful, and the sexual department is just mediocre, I would still find that a relationship worth sticking to.
But really, why should it be terrible of you to admit that you have needs and wants, and that they aren't being satisfied? Ignoring your own wishes would undermine you as a person in this relationship and make it all about him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much chigirl for your advice and understanding.
The last thing I wanted to mention, which your post reminded me of, is that when we do have sex... we don't do the things I really like. I mean, our sex is good but I've had better. Is that a terrible thing to admit?
I love this man and I don't want our relationship to fail because of terrible sex.
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male
reader, Hugh.J  +, writes (6 May 2011):
 Good advice from "chigirl", as usual - and others, of course, but can I add that perhaps you could show him this page by way of explanation as to how you feel?
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (6 May 2011):
I understand your frustration, especially if he doesn't take you seriously. Perhaps you could tell him that the lack of a healthy sex life is the doom of a relationship. Without a healthy sexual relationship, any relationship will cease to be. By healthy I mean a sexual relationship that satisfies the both of you. At the moment it inly satisfies him, but not you.
Tell him again! But perhaps this time you can write down a list of things you want to go through, so that you don't forget to mention some things and get to go through it all. Such as his sore back. It sounds nice that you want to help him with his back, and relationships isn't about tit for tat, but what exactly are you getting in return? You describe yourself more like his massage therapist than his girlfriend. No sex, but you still need to rub his back! If his back is so sore, he needs to either quit the job he does, or go get some professional help so you and him can enjoy a healthy relationship and not a relationship based on you satisfying his needs (sex now and then at his will and back rubs every day). What does he do for you? He gets to play poker games, and you are left alone... what exactly is the dynamics of this relationship? All about him?
I also think sex is best when spontaneous, but that requires both parties wanting it at the same time. With how little he wants it it becomes near impossible. So what can you do? You can't make him increase his appetite for sex, but if this keeps up you will both find yourself single in not too long. Perhaps things will get better if he understands this, because you can't fix this on your own, you need him to be on board as well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've tried almost everything. I once met him at the door naked. I have a wonder woman corset and boy shorts that he loved but I can't constantly be buying lingerie, it's expensive. I have toys he can use on me. I even have a collar with handcuffs.
Yes, I have talked to him about it. Multiple times, actually. He just doesn't see why it's such a big deal to me. I tried to explain that there's a difference between feeling sexy and feeling loved. I know he loves me, but I don't feel like I turn him on anymore. Of course, that's not true because we do have sex... just not that much.
Thank you chigirl... I guess I'll try to have a conversation with him again that focuses on finding a problem, not the issue. I guess the only problem with finding a solution is that sex shouldn't be planned. I try to make it spontaneous but that obviously doesn't work either.
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female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (5 May 2011):
 Have you perhaps tried to entice him with sexy outfits? Being in the right position (bent over something) when he walks in the door?
Have you talked to him about the lack of intimacy and how it's making you feel?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis soreness is in his back and he says it helps when I rub it, which I do every morning when he gets home.
I think he just has a lower sex drive, but like the other women said... Sex helps me know that he still finds me sexy.
It started before we moved in together.
Well, I'll try but next weekend he wants to have a poker game so I'll end up doing what I always do... being by myself.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011):
I am a man in the same situation. My wife never wants to have sex. I am very jealous of the men whose wives are desperate to have sex. Even the woman who says she gives her backrubs, footrubs, etc. sounds too good to be true. My wife wouldn't even do that much for me. Ever. I remember one time I really hurt my back and needed a massage. She made a half-hearted attempt and then set me up with her friend who is a massage therapist. I appreciate that she made the arrangements, but why couldn't she handle touching me in that way? I am not a bodybuilding oilfield worker, but I am not obese either. I'm just a regular guy with an average physique - if anything I have pretty broad shoulders and women (including my wife) tell me this. I wish I knew the answer as to why people are like this, but I think that if it is not hormonal (and it usually isn't) then it reflects deeper issues in the relationship. When he says he is too tired that just means he's too tired to get into it. Make some time when he cannot use that as an excuse (e.g., a weekend getaway) and TALK about it.
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female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (29 April 2011):
Is he really stressed out at work? Perhaps he isn't getting enough quality sleep at night. Chamomile tea, anyone?
I have the same problem with my guy, I love sex and having sex with my fiance reassures me that he still finds me attractive and makes me feel closer to him. He works in the oilfield and is a body builder who is working out harder than ever recently, and he is tired most of the time.
I like to spend intimate moments with him (not having sex) I'll make him some tea, we sit on the couch, I'll rub his head while we watch a movie and just unwind from the day. Caress the side of his face and just kind of calm him down from the day. Footrub, backrub, full body massage. All that jazz. Sometimes when I do this he wakes up in the morning and we have sex or the next night we have sex. Either way, I don't really care as long as I get intimate moments with him.
I find that I treasure the times we have sex more now, because I'm not getting it on a daily basis like I originally was.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (29 April 2011):
Him being too sore doesn't change the fact that there is little sex, so how exactly did that conversation with him go? Has it always been this way with him? Or did the sex decline once you moved in together?Guy's aren't always as interested in sex as popular belief will have it. It is easily explained when you use the term sex drive. He's got a low sex drive, meaning he doesn't need sex often. You have more of a medium sex drive, at least a higher sex drive than he does. So you want it more often. The ideal would be for partners to be at the same level of sex drive, but often we are not exactly at the same level, or it takes so long time to realize what differences there are. And by the time you discover the difference you are already too attached to each other, and so need to compromise or work around it.You need to talk to him more! Sit down for a few hours and just talk this through. Find a solution to it, don't sit there and blame each other or go back into old arguments. You are frustrated, so tell him that, but keep your eyes on finding a solution, and not to find flaws about the sex life as it is.
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male
reader, Hugh.J +, writes (29 April 2011):
It might be worth clarifying the "too sore" aspect of his excuses. If genuine, he needs to seek treatment because it could be serious. I'm assuming he means his penism is sore? Have you noticed any problems there?As for tiredness, if he is in full working order, a man soon finds the energy if sex is on offer!
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