A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I went clubbing with an ex-boyfriend of mine (once in January 08, another time in May 08), whom I have no feelings for whatsoever, but we ended up kissing and making out on both occasions. The last few times we met (August to November) were pure platonic outings, ie dinners and movies and just to catch up. We have never once spoken about what happened during clubbing and I never think about him and I don't like him in any way. I have a boyfriend of 2 years and he doesn't know about any of this.My current boyfriend of 2 years admitted to me a while back that he still likes an ex-gf of his, and even asked her at one point if there's a chance for them to get back together if he was single. I was very upset. I felt betrayed and broke up with him. But I took him back when he promised me not to see her again and to cut ties with her.Now my question basically is that, is what I did (kissing an ex bf but not liking him emotionally in any way) any worse than his emotional cheating on me? Am I a hypocrite for getting upset over him still liking an ex since I myself have in a way cheated on him as well in the past even when no emotion and no sex was involved? I find that after a few months of finding out about his feelings for his ex, I still cannot get over it and still feel hurt and betrayed. Do I not have a right to feel this way because of what I did? I'm sorry if this post doesn't make sense. But I guess I want to get some perspectives on my situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): 1) You cheating on your boyfriend and your boyfriend still having feelings for his ex are two different things. I believe you mistook him still having lingering feelings for his ex as emotional cheating.
Emotional cheating to me means if you're with someone, and s/he goes behind your back to keep in touch with someone else and develop an intimate relationship through that, even if there is no actual physical contact. Your boyfriend did not cheat on you if he already had those feelings AND he only contacted his ex once. It wasn't like he continued a relationship with her while he is with you.
2) Same what he felt/did was not the same as you cheating on him with a past lover, then your question comparing what you did with what he did just became redundant.
3) Regardless of what you and he did, to answer the question of whether cheating without emotion is less wrong than emotional cheating - it is not less wrong. It is the same. Cheating, regardless of how you do it is wrong if you two did not consent to it with each other.
4) Do you have a right to feel this way? A right is what you make of it. So yes, even if you're selfish and even if you cheated, you still have that right. Does it make you a hypocrite? It does.
5) Ultimately, what is right and wrong is relative to the individual, but in this case, it's obvious you feel that what you're doing is less 'wrong' than what your boyfriend did, which I do not think he cheated.
A
male
reader, anoms  +, writes (17 February 2009):
 i know you feel upset about what he had told you but its much better that he said what was on his mind rather than going behind your back and cheating, after all it was just a thought he was having and he openly came straight to you with his problem. on the other hand you had no feelings for your ex yet you both engaged eachother in this sexual act, if you dont feel anything for him then it sounds more like spite, can you honestly say you could openly tell your boyfriend about what happened between you and your ex (on both occations) just as he came to you about his situation? and also if could have done this with somone your not attracted to, then what would you have done if somone really good looking wanted to have there way with you? you need to put more trust in your boyfriend and appreciate his honesty and take a sense of security from this if anything, good luck.
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A
female
reader, Mrs. Mom  +, writes (17 February 2009):
 I don't think it's about rights, or who was guiltier of cheating.
Your feelings of insecurity and jealousy matter, but they're not necessarily his responsibility. It sounds like he was honest with you about his feelings for his ex-girlfriend, and you took him back knowing what happened. He's done the most he could, which is promise not to see her anymore or pursue a relationship with her.
I have a couple of thoughts. One is that you might not want to be in a relationship with him and are using your jealousy as a justification for ending it or for treating him poorly. If that's the case, I suggest you break up with him and then give yourself lots of time single to date and experience different types of men and let yourself grow up a bit.
If you are sure you want to be with him, then I'm guessing you're a bit insecure in his love for you. In that case, I suggest you work on building up your own confidence. Commit yourself to achieving at work or school. Take up a hobby or pursuit that helps you to feel accomplished. If you feel you are truly a valuable person, your anxieties about his loyalty should eventually abate.
I think your main problem is that you are still young and immature. But if you're really in love with this man, do your best. Try your hardest to become a worthwhile person, and don't focus too much on your jealousy or on "who did what to whom." That is no basis for a relationship!
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