A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is understanding necessary for forgiveness? In order to completely forgive someone for something they have done or said (which may have hurt us), must we understand the person first, how the person thinks, feels, what might have lead the person to such words.... actions.... or is it enough to just say.... they are human, they wronged, let's move on...? Does this later approach work just as well or do we need to first find closure then forgive? Thank you all so much for your time:)
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female
reader, Lani702  +, writes (21 April 2009):
 Understanding is not necessary for forgiveness. If we all waited until we "understood where the person was coming from" before we forgave them...there would be a lot of unforgiven people walking around.
The reason why people do what they do isn't always given to us. And it would be a shame if you harbored ill against someone until you understood WHY they did what they did. Harboring ill against someone doesn't hurt them...it hurts you. It eats at your soul. It's much better for you to forgive and move on...for your sake.
As an example, I lived in a foster home as a kid and my foster mother was extremely mean to the foster kids but treated her own kids like gold. When I moved out...I harbored so many ill feelings against her that it literally caused me headaches. I was finally able to let go...I didn't understand her, I didn't know why she was so mean...but I had to forgive her...for my sake.
Curiously, after I had forgiven her and was able to move on - I learned that this same foster mother, when she was a child, lived among foster children that HER mom raised. Her mother apparently felt so sorry for the foster children that she treated them like gold and treated her own children like dirt, my foster mother included. And then I understood. It made sense to me why she treated us the way she did.
So my foster mother grew up to have her own foster kids live among her real children and, never wanting her own children to feel unloved as she had as a child, she treated her own children like royalty and the foster kids like dirt.
Now this explanation of WHY she treated us like she did didn't come until years after I had been able to forgive her and let the ill feelings go. Had I carried that around until I "understood" her... I would have suffered quite needlessly for quite longer.
Do you understand what I'm saying? Forgiveness is divine. Forgive, and forgive quickly. Do it for them, and do it for yourself.
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