A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have come here in the past because of my relationship which I have gotten great great advice - I realize that I have been in neglectful - narcissistic relationship which stem from my parents - both are emotionally unavailable and to be honest I don’t trust them It’s been a couple of years now I have stayed away from love and eventually I want to dive in - the issue I have is trust ... I want to believe I can trust a lover and a partner and whoever I fall in love but I find it hard to believe I can when my parents have used my insecurities against me Is trust possible? If not what is love without it ?! I hide a lot from my family because I know if I tell them how much I make or where I am or this or that they will start using it against me - I don’t want to play a double life with my partners/lover but I find it hard to believe there might be someone out there that I can trustDoes anyone have any insight on healthy boundaries and healthy trust relationships? I grew up in a broken home - my parents both physically and verbally abusive to each other and whoever came in their way and still to this day do not let it go 33 years later Any advice on healing and attacking trust - bevause I want to believe in love but I’m so hesitant Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2019): Trust is earned and established over time; and reinforced by the consistent effort by the recipient to receive and maintain it. Then the recipient has the obligation to return the favor. Don't take what you can't give.
You start by trusting yourself. Believing you are able to handle whatever you get yourself into. You must believe you deserve love, and capable of handling it with care. Develop the confidence that you'll recover if things don't workout; and prepared to deal with whatever challenges arise in the process. That's the adult-way of handling love and life in-general. Children deserve parents who can pass it down. Sometimes we must teach ourselves. Such is life.
In life, things can start-out good then go wrong. We were given our intelligence and a sense of logic to resolve problems and defeat challenges. When dealing with a fellow human-being, remember we have faults; and we're all capable of making mistakes. So are YOU! Don't approach life with the self-centered notion that the world revolves around your insecurities and trust-issues. It doesn't, and reality will surely educate you that this is the case.
Time to outgrow your parents and your childhood. If you're unable to achieve that on your own, seek professional-help and therapy. With or without therapy, you have to develop your own survival-skills. You must learn to cope with disappointment; because people are people, and we mess-up. Big-time! So, God invented trust, forgiveness, and redemption.
Trust is very important in nurturing and developing lasting and successful relationships. It is best given in doses, based upon trustworthiness and what your partner does to prove they can be trusted. You don't go in with your arms folded; expecting people to prove themselves to you. What about you, don't you also have something to prove to them as well?
If you're distrusting and afraid of getting hurt; how are they to know if they're wasting their time? How will they know their feelings and trust is not misplaced, when they'll spend the majority of their time and effort trying to gain your trust? Tell you what! If somebody approached me with that attitude, I'm walking away.
You're on equal-footing. Starting from a blank slate. Get to know the person before speed-balling yourself into a relationship. A relationship is the goal, but courtship is the process. Getting to know the person, learning their ways and quirks. Becoming acquainted with their moods, emotions, temperament, and values. Testing their compatibility with your own personality. Not with this sappy comment I read all to often: "We have so much in-common and we talked for hours!" Then the L-word is exchanged like trading deserts in your school lunch.
Pace your feelings, but reward your love-interest for demonstrating in their actions how they feel about you. You can be vigil without being paranoid. Keep your eyes open in the sense of being level-headed. You will have to be vulnerable to some degree; or no one will waste their time trying to penetrate a rock. It's hit or miss. You don't always get lucky on your first-attempt. Be real!
Yes, it is natural and wise to guard your feelings. It is stupid (and futile) to commit to a relationship with someone you don't trust. With the intent of sitting on your throne as they break their backs to secure your royal trust. On a search mission to find your trust like the Holy Grail. Tiptoeing around your list of insecurities, and catering to your weaknesses. That's not a relationship. That's psychological-hell! Water-boarding and torture is more fun!
Your parents' relationship is not a preview of your future. The goal of the next-generation is to learn from the previous generation; so we can correct or avoid their mistakes. Knowing what they did wrong and noting the results. That gives us heads-up on how not to repeat them. If you know abuse is harmful; then don't be abusive. The easiest takeaway is knowing right from wrong. Using common-sense and compassion.
If you know you've tried and tried on your own to overcome your trust-issues; then you need to find yourself a therapist or counselor. Someone who can help you get to the root of your problem; but be willing to take risks, if that will get you to recovery. You have to do all the work, they just keep you from losing-it in the process. You try to reach breakthroughs in order to free yourself from the bonds of your fears and anxieties.
Test yourself by first making friends. Develop a circle of friends and bond with people. Interact and test yourself with how well you maintain friendships. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, relax without fear, and give as well as take the affections of others.
Don't panic at the first sign of trouble. Learn to address issues without panic and self-defeat; before you even attempt to use tact, logic, and your problem-solving skills. Expecting a disastrous-outcome before you even have a problem. That is ridiculous! You'll be frozen in your childhood, and never appreciate anything in the present.
Being an adult requires us to endure hardships, overcome challenges or obstacles, have relationships; and for some of us, to have children. We owe it to them to show them how to survive; based on our own experience and wisdom. To teach them that good things continue to happen in spite of setbacks and bad-people. We prosper, improve, gain wisdom, and get stronger through the tests of life and survival.
We have to have measured-faith in humankind, complete faith in God (if you believe); because we have no choice. We're a part of them. The alternative is being alone; at the mercy of our fears and insecurities. You know what that's like.
Life requires taking risk, my dear!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 January 2019):
 You are not your mom or your dad, YOU are not bound to repeat what they did, so you need to let THEIR baggage go.
Take responsibility for YOUR life, you actions, YOUR words and deeds.
Accept that your parents were dysfunctional but that YOU DO NOT have to be. Stop blaming them for things that didn't go how you wanted them to in YOUR life.
Sure, you have seen dysfunction and it left an impression on you, but take FROM it what NOT to do yourself. Instead of reliving and rehashing THEIR dysfunction.
Trust. It's not instantaneous in a relationship. It's like respect. It's EARNED and GIVEN. TAKE the time getting to know someone before trusting them fully. Baby steps.
You are NOT doomed to live as they do, if you CHOSE not to. Which means you need to know what you want from a partner, what you can GIVE to a relationship. And BE OK to not accept crap from a partner from the get go. Doesn't mean you have to "fight" with them from the start, but IF you do not want a verbally or otherwise abusive partner, DO NOT accept a person (as your partner) who shows those behaviors.
Work on yourself. Becomes the person you would WANT to be. Strive to be the best YOU, you can be. And you will attract a healthier "options" in partners.
Someone who is skeptic, negative, glass half full attracts people like that too or people who knows that it's easier to manipulate someone who is unhappy with herself.
So work on you, then on finding someone to share your life with.
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