A
male
age
41-50,
*oul83
writes:I can't meet my wife's expectations. She has the money for a house deposit. She is Chinese and her parents are very poor and asked her to provide the house for them. She has the money to do that but wants to spend it on house for us instead and wants me to get really good work and save hard for the house!In fact, there's one major problem with the picture: she has educated herself on the best areas to buy and wants me to just cough up the money to get the house according to her ideas. But isn't buying a home supposed to be a joint decision and a happy time for a couple??I told her that it's been less than a year since we came to Australia and that even though it's my home country, it will take more than just a casual job in a liqour store to get the loan. She wants to use an agent to write the letter to the bank and lie about our financial situation so that we can buy the house and rent it out to pay it off! But I reckon we will head for financial failure with this approach. If I declare bankruptcy at any time, my future will be ruined...Anyway, I can't meet her unrealistic expectations and save enough for her liking. She doesn't know my true salary and runs it down because it's very low at the moment. By the time I pay all the bills, there's not much left over. She won't get a job again because she reckons that it's the man's duty to provide the house and be the bread winner. I understand what she wants but she is so strong that she demands things and expects me to put up with being called foul names and listen to her temper.I'm tired of the verbal abuse. Serious put downs. She got very angry tonight about me spending money on extra things like beer and small snacks. She wants me to save at least half of my salary and started demanding that I place all of my savings into her account! I of course refuse to do that. I would never agree to keep my money in a joint account because I don't trust her to stick around. Part of it is to protect myself from her because she treats me badly. She talks badly to me :(I hate her demanding behaviour and the way she looks at me when she is angry. She is always putting on this act that she is so unhappy with me and says things like we will never have a good future and she can't see anything good coming about with me. Reminds me that my pay is too low.Here is the thing, even though we have little financial security and a rented share house, I think we live comfortably. She is so house mad that it's not funny and I reckon that we will never be truly happy... She still doesn't get it that her temper and demanding attitude and bad language are upsetting me and making me doubt making big commitments with her.I want to hear that she appreciates my attempts to save and that she appreciates me working hard in the store working full time hours each week! Of course casual sales assistant in a bottle shop is not something to be proud of. Hey, I'm also compared to other Chinese migrants who have come here and landed good paying jobs... So what is my problem? I'm Australian, a few years retail experience and an undergrad science degree and a couple of years experience teaching overseas... My work experience is a bit limited. Perhaps that holds me back?Wife aside, I want better work for my own future!Tell me, what do I do? I brought her here and married her. Now I'm feeling the sting of doing something that is clearly beyond my means!! I just keep doing the best I can and try to ignore her bad treatment of me. There are times when we are close but most of the time I'm too busy to think about work and I've reached the conclusion that trying to put time into the relationship is just a waste and I should let things run their course and see what happens (avoidance of her bad attitude towards me).I tried to talk to her about something unusual that happened at work and she told me to tell my parents instead as she wasn't interested in hearing it. Dismissive...So, I have a partner that resents me for accidentally destroying her computer screen, having to rely on her to pay the money for our car, having a low pay, a partner that is dismissive, talks badly at least once a day (even if she thinks it's just mucking around, being called an idiot does wear away at you and I do know the difference between joking and serious). She tries to demand things and regularly puts me down.I am tired of not being good enough. Tonight I came very close to saying: you put me in a position where I have to choose to protect myself (walk away from you) or hand over my money (stay with you). I know which one I need to use. I feel like I need to protect myself because of the way she demands things.I have tried to repeatedly to tell her that saying 'f-- you idiot' or 'f-- you' is not appropriate even if you are angry.I haven't seen her try to sit down and sanely talk to me about what she has learned about properties. She is formulating all these ideas and asking me to just be the cash machine. Get this, she packaged all my winter clothes and wants me to put all my things in my parents' home because we have limited space in our room. Claims that it's not right for her to leave her clothes in my parents home... you can imagine how I feel with her trying to take 80% of the room. She even ran my plant into the ground even though I really enjoy having a small chilli plant in the kitchen.In fact, a lot of things are her way or the highway. She will tell me to hurry up and eat, shower etc. Tell me to do things her way because they are quicker and smarter ways (usually they are and I ackownledge that I'm sometimes very slow to do some things). This overbearing behaviour and abusive put downs have me questioning my vows. Yet in other ways she can be so nice to me. Showing affection. So it makes me try and think about how hard it must be for her to put up with a husband who is so laid back?I pray for a partner that is relaxed and doesn't run me down. A partner that isn't demanding. A partner that understands I'm not good, not perfect but trying the best I can! She tried to tell me tonight that she can't find a man that treats her so well. But she is bitterly disappointed about my low salary! She reckons I was treating her like a maid! How so? Because she stays at home, is it too much to ask her to make dinner every now and then? Or to ask her to save some left overs for me? I get home at 9-10pm and it's too late to cook then.I reminded her tonight that I'm not sitting around drinking and refusing to work. I'm doing the best I can... I don't get so much time to look for work because I try to spend some time with her and need to work my job at full time hours. I want her to work as well...My reaction to the put downs is that I'm not good enough and that she will probably leave me for someone better. Plus I hate the feeling of being put down like most normal human beings! I want to be respected for a change. Every time she demands things from me and looks badly at me, I feel like leaving and feel like giving up. I then tell myself that I'm not good enough.Agony aunts, what can I do? I feel like she wants to take me for a ride. She thinks she can save the money better but I feel like that's just tricking me and trying to act controlling. I'm a grown man and capable of looking after my finances. She just hates to see me enjoying the money for small things. But I feel I work hard so I'm entitled to enjoy some of my money. I don't want to sacrifice my entire life and live like a dog to get a house.I'll quickly add that after just 8 months of marriage, she decided to go home for 2 months and do a bit of travelling while I was stuck here alone working and trying to make ends meet. Tell me why I should continue to put up with this garbage?I have a problem of sometimes being absent minded. How can I solve this too? Sometimes I'll forget things :(Anyone that's been through the process of a young marriage and had to go through very tough times, please feel free to leave a comment on how you managed! Thanks :)
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 October 2012):
 I go one step further than Honeypie and,as for me, not only I don't understand why you stay married , I don't even understand why you married this woman in the first place. I remember not only your recent postings , but also those before ,from when you were not married yet, and your lfe together with this exquisite creature sounded as fulfilling and harmonious as daily life in a Nazi death camp.
Maybe you stay married so you can have something to moan about on DC ? :) Don't worry, - just put her on a plain back to China, with your best wishes, and I am sure then you can write us about some other issue . Maybe, how to go about finding a new girlfriend, or some job related issue, anything. But you do need to take a break from ChineseDemonBride, ... for your mental sanity ... and for the happiness of all the good Aunts at DC that keep giving you thoughtful advice since years by now, ... and have no qualms, I guess, in declaring themselves defeated : This does not work! It can't work! There is nothing to do!You are not compatible. If you had taken a girl at random from the White Pages directory, she would have probably been more compatible with you than your wife.
Said that , honesty compels me to admit that DemonBride must be made some allowances for . Like, pardon my bluntness , OP, you call himself " laid back ".. if you were just a tiny bit more laid back , you'd be an embalmed mummy .
Come on, my friend ! You are a grown up man, start showing it ! If you want to improve your lot in life , at least choose a course of action, it may not bear fruit immediately, but at least you'll have planted the seed ! do you realize that what you call a casual job, is the same you are stuck in since , what, over one year, ? two ?- what's casual in that ? Now, if you want to be a liquor store clerk for the rest of your life,it's a honest job and nothing to be ashamed of- but at least admit it , to her and yourself !
Do you ever get the doubt that yes, she is demanding ,... .but you may be a bit TOO laid back ?' For her, and for ANY other girl ? " I think we live comfortably " ? Come on, man, do you realize you brought her all the way from China to make her live in ONE rental room at somebody's else home ?? For over a year ? What are you, freshman college kids ??..
You also make her sound as a lazy, avid and demanding woman that only wants to mooch off you...perhaps... but I feel that's not all the story, there must be more to it.
I remember she was working her ass off in China, and in fact one of your complaints was that you never saw her because she was working too much . How come all of a sudden, she changes country and she becomes lazy. It won't be by any chance, ... that she was hesitant to move, to live her country and her job... and you told her oh don't worry, if we'll be in Australia I'll take care of everything ?... It won't be that her Chines titles and qualifications are not recognized in Australia, so she CAN'T get a job in her field of competence ( is she even legal there ? ).... and the job she could get would be some cleaning job or such... Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong in manual work , every honest job is honorable, and , if one has to roll up her sleeves and do something humble, one just does it. But, see it from the view point of an emigrant :.....have I come all the way to another continent to,say, scrub floors ,- then I might as well stayed home and scrubbed Chinese floors there if needs be.
In other words, ..are you sure that you have no part at all in her ambitious expectations of a better lifestyle ?.... I think, that , albeit she sounds a natural born holy terror, the circumstances of your life and marriage have naturally embittered and exasperated her. One wants to marry an adult man , and be a wife... and find herself instead being the mommy of a laid back 29 years old kid that can't even keep track of time and needs to be always told what time it is ( said by YOU in one of your previous post ).
This, out of fairness, just to rehumanize her a bit, because from all your posts she comes off as nearly inhuman in her treatment of you, and that may be not exactly the case...generally the fault is never on one side only.
Anyway, even so, - you just are not compatible, you just are not happy together, you just CAN'T be happy together. Time to finally cut your losses, what do you say ?....
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 October 2012):
 I can't fathom why you are still married it seems like it's a living nightmare being married to this lady!
Yes, I remember your other posts as well.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 October 2012):
 Buying a home should be a joint decision and is one of the most stressful times in a couples life… it can be joyous but I find it stressful… and I’ve done it a few times…
ONE of the partners has to start somewhere… but then being flexible is key…
So she found an area she likes.. now it’s time for you to compromise on the area and get her to compromise on the house… often it’s said to buy in a better area but then take a “cheaper” home to get into the right area… a good Real Estate Agent can help you with this.
LYING… NOT good. And not LEGAL… what’s her rational for wanting to LIE? What makes her think that it won’t be verified? It’s much harder to buy a house in this economy than it was 30 years ago when I bought my first home…
“she doesn’t know my true salary” so you are LYING to her about what you are earning? WHY? THAT is not a good thing or the right way to have a marriage IMO.
IF she won’t work then she has to suffer the consequences of her choice… i.e. NO HOUSE
She is ABUSING you by calling you names…..
WHY would YOU put the household money into HER account? Why do you two even have separate accounts? I know that some folks that are married to that but I find it creates lots of problems.
IMO in a marriage all income is shared. All expenses are shared… it’s NOT my money or his money ALL money is OUR money. And before folks think that it’s because I’m not the primary breadwinner. I am. I make NEARLY double what my spouse makes now.. (and I made 3 times what my ex-husband makes)…. So it’s not about my benefiting from HIS income vs MINE. I’m on my fourth and have always run my marriages this way and MONEY was never an issue in any relationship so at least I have that part down.
Why did you marry her? You are so unhappy why do you stay? Why can’t you divorce her?
You’ve already posted these questions about her:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-staring-at-the-dissolution-of-my-marriage.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-everything-conditional-in-this-marriage-to.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/after-only-2-months-of-marriage-the-arguments.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-am-on-my-way-out-the-door.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/tips-for-time-management.html
Personally I think there are way to many issues here to make this marriage work…
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (17 October 2012):
 What are the circumstances of you getting married? Sounds like she may have used you to get citizenship/money.
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