A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How do you know when you cheat on someone after being with them for 4 years that you really love them? The fact that one could cheat on their partner after being with them for so long, makes one question if it is really "love" you feel for them. After dealing with guilt and horrible feelings in connection to having cheated, there comes the feeling of "i must really love them b/c I can't bare losing them or hurting them. the guilt is awful." How does one know if these new feelings are not purely driven by guilt, but driven by actual love? How does one know if the desire to now marry the person and never betray them again, is not more an issue of guilt, as opposed to true love and a genuine concern for their well-being? On one hand one wonders if the capacity to be loyal to them wasn't there after 4 years, why all of a sudden does guilt make one realize the importance of loyalty? So confusing...does anyone have experience with having cheated and having a lasting relationship with their partner afterward and being loyal to them forever? If it takes risking losing it all, to realize the worth of what one has, is it really love? Love strong enough to commit to the person in marriage? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011): The only way you can know if it is true love or guilt is by being truly honest with yourself, especially if you have hurt a someone who has been good to you and is a really nice person...Sometimes in trying to make u for the wong we have done to someone we may try to make it up to them like male anonymous response ie marry them....I think it may not be such a good idea..Regardless of what has happened and how guilty you feel you should always be with a person or marry them because you truly love them..Not out of guilt, because you want to make up to them or because being together for a time you have formed and 'attachment' which is difficult to let go of....When an attachment is formed, it is the reason why we experience loss when a relationship breaks or is in danger of breaking or we are considering breaking up....One has to be objective if these feelings generated come from guilt(hence trying to make up, overcompensate) or attachment or if it is true love....If you are remorseful and feeling guilty marrying someone just prove you can be faithful to them usually cos this person is a good person may not be wise....Ther is reason for you cheating like male anonymous said and unless you get to the root of it , you may marry the person and eventually cheat again however you do not intend to because you never resolved why the cheating happened....Just because someone is kind, loyal etc doesnt neccessarily mean that they are suitable for you although these qualities are very desirable in a partner..You need to find someone with these qualities as well as someone you can love have a deep emotional connection...Someone who you feel true AGAPE LOVE for...google types of love and have a read...Search you heart and be honest with yourself and with your partner...There are a lot of problematic marriages because of peoples lack of honesty before the enter into marriage or when they are in the marriage and problems arise...So marrying someone without resolvong any issues will not solve the problem you are only stacking it to make it worse or postponing the inevitable....If you cheat, you need to know why you did what you did and work on the relationship from there or go your seperate ways if you cant
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2011): Your questions are mine as well. Four months ago I cheated on my gf (3y old RS) out of stupidity and weakness: a random girl flirted with me and I just went along with it. She wasn't better-looking than my gf, nothing was planned, we fooled around without having sex, it happened in another country on another continent, but guilt, shame and remorse have been eating at me ever since.This has been the most awful and despicable thing I've ever done and it has made me question everything: myself, my relationship, my feelings for my girl. I've started seeing a therapist for the first time in my life because I cannot cope with guilt and I want to reach deeper.Now I must honestly say that I'm not entirely happy with myself: I haven't had sex with anyone else (I should have sowed my wild oats in my early twenties). Moreover, our relationship started on a poor background because we were too busy discovering and enjoying sex before we got to know each other properly. Later on I had a hard time putting up with what I didn't like about her or us. Unfortunately, I am withdrawn and harbor a lot of frustrations over time. You should check into this aspect, if relevant.Something else as well: I am the coward type that never had the courage to break up completely or just "take a break" to look around and see whether the grass is really greener on the other side. I suggested it, but never took a firm decision and responsibility for it. I know now that it would have been a selfish, but honest and necessary way of discovering myself without acting like a mindless fool at this age.While everything suggests I don't really love my gf, spending days on end thinking about this remorsefully suggests otherwise.Let's be honest: just like me, if only attached to her, but overall unsure about your deepest feelings, you must still be living in fear of losing someone that ultimately doesn't appear to be that bad for you! Nice memories surface and make you want to cry, while things you hate about your girl don't make you feel better. I guess it's a way we're taught to appreciate what we have.And yes, I've FINALLY thought about marriage as a possibility, but it's a bit weird, isn't it, that it's more appealing now, as a way of secretly making it up to my girl, than it was before when I thought of it with fear? (At the same time, I feel like I don't have the right to marry her after this... Am I ready to commit anyway???)Now let me tell you some more: not long after the cheating, I had to go back home for a short while. I mostly felt at peace there, as if what had happened abroad was from another world where I had been someone else. BUT I wasn't nicer or more loving. We had the same fights about the same things and I wasn't ready to lose them because of the guilt. I couldn't overlook what I didn't like about her just because I had cheated. Which suggests that deeper, older problems between us are more important to deal with and that the cheating was an effect rather than a cause. What I will do from now on, I will try to communicate more and better.In spite of all I've written, I cannot really answer your question because it still remains for myself. I am however inclined to say that guilt is what feeds this sudden "taste" for marriage. Loyalty should simply be there all the time. That's a lesson learned no matter how happy in a RS. I am not suggesting anything but if, for the time being, you refrain from confessing and go on with your life together, you will see whether you become more, let's say, tolerant to what you weren't before. If you do and are happier about it, then it may have been love. Perhaps (re)discovered.
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A
female
reader, VioletSparkle  +, writes (30 March 2011):
Well, perhaps you want to explore why you cheated on them in the first place. Was the relationship tired, or boring in bed, or was it some "fatal attraction" towards a special person that is unlikely to be repeated?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2011): Dear OP, so many posts from you. It is driving me crazy, surely it drives you crazy as well.
what to do?what to do?
Tell the truth.
free your soul
this guilt is eating at you.
this will be your downfall.
you are still so stubborn by refusing to reveal your cheating.
LoveGirl
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