A
male
age
36-40,
*rymsoul
writes:I'm not too into relationships. In fact, I don't even think I mind if I never have another relationship again. After my last relationship with a girl I dated for 3 years, I'm not too eager to jump back into one. I find myself not attracted to the vast majority of girls that I have met. I don't know if it's because I hold my ex on such high standards or because I simple don't find them attractive.I'm not still hooked on my ex anymore. I've completely moved on from her. Last week she sent me a message, I didn't even read it so I'm not sure what she wanted to say. I honestly thought she was the best thing that had ever happened to me. She was amazingly beautiful, perfect body, great personality. The first time she gave me her number, it still took a minute for me to actually believe it had happened. I fell in love with her. I wanted her to be MY ONE. Alas, things never end in such a fairy tale ending for me after all. She ended up falling for another after three years with me.Now I'm completely over her, but I've seen a change in the way I look at girls. Say, out of 20 girls I meet, there will probably be only two I find as or even more attractive than my ex. But when I approach them to get to know them, they let me know they're not interested in dating me. I've tried this many times with girls I find I could be happy with, but the end result is completely the same.In the end, I've come to realize that a relationship might be out of the question for me. I can't say that it hurts because I honestly think I could be happier single. I'm so much more liberal and secure when I'm single. Still, I do miss the touch and smell of another. I miss the laughing and wrestling that I held with that special person. I miss the firsts and the special feeling I get when she calls me. I guess that's why I've taken a liking to the strip club. It's not special to pay for it but it's one way to get it without rejection. Sad, I know, but after having your ambitions and motivations crushed so often by the ones you are infatuated with, It's easy to think that maybe some guys can get it only by giving the benjamins. And I find the less time I spend in a relationship, the more time I spend earning money and the more I have to spend on such luxuries. It kind of works out in the end. . .if you've given up on wanting to love another.Still, at only 24, I think I've accepted the fact that those days are over. I still try to flirt with girls that I find attractive but they continue to reject me. I HATE TO SETTLE. That has always been my mindset. I could get a girlfriend right now if I wanted to. I know girls who are interested in me. But I know I will be settling for them because I don't find them interesting or attractive. I'd rather live alone than settle for a girl that doesn't ignite a spark in my soul. Is this the right way to think?
View related questions:
ambition, crush, fell in love, flirt, get a girlfriend, money, my ex, spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, grymsoul +, writes (19 June 2012):
grymsoul is verified as being by the original poster of the question "Think of yourself before and after OP, if you're different now than you were then that means the relationship is still effecting you and you're still not over it." Nope, I'm pretty much the same. There is only a handful of girl I actually find attractive. It's how it has always been in my teens and even now as an adult. I'm not sure about being asexual but I just don't find that many girl attractive. "Look at the way you talk OP, you mention rejection more than once, you now get your kicks from girls as part of an emotionless business transaction and you talk about never wanting a relationship again. Seriously dude, if you were us would you believe for one second this guy is "over it"? Not a hope." I'm not sure what me mentioning rejection has to do with me not being over her. I did say that when I get rejected, I do think of her as the one that I was only able to get. but I find that to be a natural reaction in a circumstance such as the one I went through. I never said I never wanted a relationship again. I said I didn't mind if I didn't have another one ever again. I felt that way before her and I still do feel that way now. Infact, before we were even involved, I told her I didn't believe in relationships. Somehow she got me to change my mind and have one with her. "It's understandable that you're guarded, you were very hurt and by the one girl you really put all your faith in. That's painful as hell man and if you can't see how having to go through that has made women psychologically unappealing to you and therefore ugly then you're a bit blind." I am guarded but I believe you missed the statement in my OP when I mentioned that I STILL flirt with girls I fancy, regardless of how many times I've been rejected. How guarded can I be when I still put myself into the field, open for shots? Yes, it is painful, but I don't run away from it. After my ex rejected me, I did go through a phase where I thought all women were horrible. That was months ago, though. I find a few attractive ones here and there. Ones that I have approached and tried to get to know. "Just because you know you can get a girlfriend doesn't mean you can actually maintain a relationship and that's the fear that is keeping you down." That was the point of that statement you read that from. I said I know that I can get a girlfriend if I wanted to, but I knew I would only be settling. Why WOULD I want to maintain a relationship like that? I'm not sure where the fear thing comes in. I don't fear being in a relationship at all. But I guess I do fear being in a relationship with someone I don't fancy. "My current girlfriend wasn't the most beautiful I've ever been with when I first saw her but are looks what define a girl as amazing? I wasn't knocked off my feet and drooling at the sight of her and that's what made it so much better." My last girlfriend wasn't either. In todays standards, she would be considered unnatractive by many. She was a tomboy. Not girlish at all. Played football, wrestled with guys, etc. That's actually what made her beautiful to me. I'm suspecting you think I'm talking about model beautiful? My definition of beauty isn't limited to perfect facial features. It's their smile, their hair, their laughter, their shyness, their anger, their walk, their voice, their overall aura. I've met and conversed with many girls who would be considered beautiful in todays worlds. They didn't ingite a spark in me. All I felt was a hollow affection toward them. I knew they were physically beautiful, but that meant little to me in terms of actual attractiveness. I can find physical beauty in a nerdy girl ( I have) or even a butch. "It's like this OP, you can keep living the way you're living, keep going to strippers to satisfy your need for female companionship and keep viewing potential girlfriends as unattractive or you can snap out of it by letting girls in. So what if they'e not Jessica Alba look-a-likes, so what if you're knees don't go weak at the sight of them? That can grow but only if you let it, only if you open yourself up to that possibility and take that chance." So, you're telling me to let someone I don't find attractive into my heart and HOPE that something evolves from it. It sounds like poor advise to me. What happens if nothing changes in a few months? Am I to stay with her still hoping that my affection will grow. Aren't I actually hurting her by pretending to like her? I don't veiw potential girlfriends as unnatractive. I veiw potential girlfriend AS attractive. I don't see how she can be a potential girlfriend if I find her unnatractive. "The best relationships I've had were ones with girls I found sexy but not mind blowing and I have to say once you fall in love with a girl like that there is no one more beautiful" This is what I've been doing all along.I'm not sure if you read my post but I have been hitting on girls that I found attractive. You first tell me that looks aren't what defines a girls but then later says that the best relationship you had were with girls you found sexy. I mean no offense, but this is rather contradicting, "You're going to have to do that eventually OP, or you can stay being this bitter guy for the next five years scared to let anyone in and let the loneliness and bitterness fester until you're worn out and angry." I'm not sure where you read or even felt that I was being bitter or angry. I clearly stated that I felt that I could be happier as a single man. The only thing that I feel at times is lonliness. Anger never cross my heart when I think of relationships. Also, I don't understand how I'm afraid to let anyone in when all I do is hit on girls that I like. I've also stated that in my OP. Are you speaking of letting girls that I find unnatractive in? Yes, I am afraid of putting myself in a situation where I will end up in a relationship with a girl I don't fancy. I do thank you for putting the time in to answer my question. I hope my reply didn't come off as me being a jerk. I just felt you didn't entirely understand my post. CindyCares DID however get it right when she mentioned I was still comparing many beautiful girls to my ex's beauty. But it's not so simply as their physical appearance. The thing that attracted me to my ex is the same thing that attracts me to other certain girls. I am not looking for a replica of my ex. I am simply looking to replicate the attraction that I found in the girls I have dated in the past. My ex didn't create the attraction that I am looking for. The attraction is what drew me to her in the first place. If that makes any sense. Still, I thank you all for giving me lovely advise.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2012): Cindy hit the nail on the head OP, you're not over your ex. I know you no longer find her appealing but you still bare the emotional withdrawal from that relationship it's very clear what's happening to me as I've had it happen too.
It's not what you think it is OP, not being over her doesn't mean you're still pining for her or want her, in your case it means subconsciously girls still can't compete with her and your feelings for her, and after the pain you've gone through none of them are "beautiful" or "special" enough for you to take the risk. You talk about settling OP, because you still have her in such a high place in your mind, she was the one and you "failed" now all hope is lost kind of thing. I mean come on you're a guy, are you seriously trying to suggest that in your teens you weren't lusting after tonnes of girls? Are you seriously trying to suggest that you're just asexual and have never really lusted after girls all that much or found them attractive, or could it possibly be that you did before you were with her and it's only now that you don't that you don't really find them appealing?
Think of yourself before and after OP, if you're different now than you were then that means the relationship is still effecting you and you're still not over it.
Look at the way you talk OP, you mention rejection more than once, you now get your kicks from girls as part of an emotionless business transaction and you talk about never wanting a relationship again. Seriously dude, if you were us would you believe for one second this guy is "over it"? Not a hope.
It's understandable that you're guarded, you were very hurt and by the one girl you really put all your faith in. That's painful as hell man and if you can't see how having to go through that has made women psychologically unappealing to you and therefore ugly then you're a bit blind.
It's very hard to see an object or group of people as attractive if you've been that hurt by them. 3 years of a very intense relationship is enough to knock the socks off the strongest of us. The last time I had that happen I turned into a player for a couple of years and just bedded tonnes of women without letting any of them close enough that I could be that hurt again. You've just turned to strippers the way I turned to random hook ups.
Look OP understand that there's nothing wrong you, but the key here is to understand yourself and what you're going trough. How you speak makes no sense does it? You talk about settling but do you really think that there aren't other woman out there that are amazing? My current girlfriend wasn't the most beautiful I've ever been with when I first saw her but are looks what define a girl as amazing? I wasn't knocked off my feet and drooling at the sight of her and that's what made it so much better. You see there were no expectations, I never put her on any kind of pedestal, we were on an equal footing and we were friends for a long while before we got together. She grew to be the most beautiful woman to me and it was the fact I wasn't blown away by her made that possible. I was very attracted to her mind you, just not enough for that goddess worship crap.
Want to know what I discovered in my time being the way you are now, it's the wrong way to be and it solves nothing. After that two years sleeping around I was still closed off and bitter, I was still down in the dumps and didn't see women or myself as worthy of taking that chance of being that hurt again and/or rejected in the sense of a long term relationship. Just because you know you can get a girlfriend doesn't mean you can actually maintain a relationship and that's the fear that is keeping you down.
It's like this OP, you can keep living the way you're living, keep going to strippers to satisfy your need for female companionship and keep viewing potential girlfriends as unattractive or you can snap out of it by letting girls in. So what if they'e not Jessica Alba look-a-likes, so what if you're knees don't go weak at the sight of them? That can grow but only if you let it, only if you open yourself up to that possibility and take that chance. How do you know that the next girl who you find reasonably attractive is not going to grow into a thing of beauty for you?
You don't and unless you you give them a chance you're never going to know. Don't be one of these idiots that thinks no girl who doesn't make your toes curl straight away is good enough. The best relationships I've had were ones with girls I found sexy but not mind blowing and I have to say once you fall in love with a girl like that there is no one more beautiful. Ditch the strippers man and just start getting to get to know girls again, your ex is not every woman ever and the only way you'll heal is by getting to know other women and getting to know what makes them beautiful in their own way.
You're going to have to do that eventually OP, or you can stay being this bitter guy for the next five years scared to let anyone in and let the loneliness and bitterness fester until you're worn out and angry.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 June 2012):
 OP, I get what you mean and I do not disagree at all. Physical attraction IS very important,- the physical and the mental are just like the two sides of a paper sheet - they go together , and they MAKE the paper sheet what it is, a one-sided paper-sheet it 's not even thinkable.
All I am saying is, too early to start worrying yet, finding the perfect " fit " may take time, and the choosier you are the longer it may take . But if you feel that this what you are, and you neither can nor want to change it... you'll just have to tough it out , and don't get discouraged or embittered in the process, since you are perfectly aware of why and how it happens.
I still ( stubbornly : ) think that the idea you have of your ex may hinder you in your search. You say that you have no emotional attachment left , and I believe that, but I think that you still may have ,let's call it, an esthetic attachment , if you still use her as a term of comparison as physical beauty. Meaning, of course if you keep checking if these other girls are as tall , or as blonde, or as big boobed, or ..whatever you liked in her... as your ex, .. it's a draw of luck, you may never find her clone , or even a valid comparison. If you open up your horizons a bit, and don't get stuck on certain specific traits, you may find yourself totally lusting after ( as it should be ! ) to some new girl that's the polar opposite of your ex - but still HOT in her own way.
...............................
A
male
reader, grymsoul +, writes (19 June 2012):
grymsoul is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'd have to disagree, Cindycare. I know for a fact that I am over my ex. She has tried to get into contact with me but I have yet to reply to any of her messages. Infact, seeing pictures of her barely ignites the warm feeling I use to have with her. I know I am over her because I can easily forget about her when I'm in my hobbies or with another girl I like. The only time I actually remember her is when I get rejected by a girl I fancy. It somehow triggers a memory of her being the only possible mate I was able to have.
I don't go looking for her, I don't ask her friends how she's doing and I've even instructed my friend to refrain from bringing her up in conversations in the past. Now they can talk about her freely and I would barely bat an eye to her name.
I do understand your point about me doing the same thing to the girls that like me, that the girls I like are doing to me. But the fact of it is, I'm simply not attracted to them. Not physically or emotionaly. And unfortunately, I've realized that physical attraction is tightly attached to my emotional attraction. So I can't have one without the other.
I will have to continuosly reject girls that I don't find physically attractive because there's no point in being with them if I'm not into them. Settling will only make me more proned to cheat. I'd rather be alone than put myself in that situation.
I don't actually NEED a relationship but it would be nice to feel the special feeling of being loved by someone you have a spark for. I simply don't have a spark for people I find unattractive. So no use in putting effort into being with them. Also, I know I am not perfect. I have MANY flaws. I don't blame any girl for turning me down. I know they have the same mindset I do. I've always said that I expect no less from a girl I like because I'm currently the same way. If she doesn't find me attractive then I simply move on. . .and on. . and on. But I will NEVER settle for someone just because they like me, or just because I'm tired of being alone. I have to feel the same spark for them that they do for me. A feat I've only accomplished with my ex.
Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. I appreciate the answers.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 June 2012):
I think so . Settling at 24 ? What for ? what's the rush ?
But, I would definitely cut the drama. " Rejections.... ambitions and motivations crushed so often ". Haven't you ever thought that they are doing the very same thing you are doing ? I.e., being picky, being choosy. As it is their- and your - right. If out of 20 girls you can only find one or two that compare to your ex and could be worth the trouble.... well, maybe the girls who turn you down have high standards too , or super attractive ex boyfriends.
Not that you have to lower your standards - you just don't have to be so thin skinned about " rejection " . Rejection is a normal selection process, and you prove it, by "rejecting " ( if only in your mind ) 95% of the women you meet.
As a matter of fact , though, if you find comparing every new perspective to your ex , and turning them down because they don't measure up - you are not over her, IMO, you are SO not over her :). If you were, she would be a cherished memory but she would not enter at all as a matching stick in your selection process. When I was in second grade I was crazily in love with a school buddy, and it was real love- for our age. Kids are capable of very strong feelings and attachments. But obviously chosing a mate 20 years later, it did never cross my mind to compare potential candidates to my first love , it just wasn't a factor .
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2012): Seeing your age I think that that is quite a refreshing mindset. I'm 30 and I know a lot of guys your age searching for the one, to the point that they give me the come on. Big no no! You won't feel like this forever and when it's right it's right and it will hit you when you least expect it :) Earn your money, go to strip clubs, as long as no one is getting hurt, including you, that's all that matters. Good luck x
...............................
A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (18 June 2012):
 Well first off you're still young.. so you should never write off the possibility of you getting into another relationship. Just because things didn't work out with your ex, doesn't mean you don't have the potential to meet someone just as pretty, smart, or capable of being "the one".
With that being said, I think you're focusing a bit too much on looks- and subconsciously comparing any woman you meet to your ex. Whether it's physical or otherwise, you may have an extremely high standard.
Now, even though I agree that you shouldn't settle or get involved with someone you don't feel a connection with (because it is all about your preference),I think you should examine what's really important to you in a woman. Is it values? Their personality? Their goals? Beauty may fade... but a person's true character would always stay the same.
So expand your search, date different type of women, and remember to keep your eyes open because love can come from anywhere. And when the opportunity presents itself, don't compare that potential partner to anybody... give her a chance to show you what she's about- and how different or unique she may be.
Best Wishes!
...............................
|
