A
female
age
51-59,
*atherine2081
writes:I broke up with my husband two months ago we spent a month apart. We split as he had issue with favoritism towards his kids and a dislike of my eldest girl and my father. He also tried to control me. Generally his attitude stunk towards my kids and I . Whilst we were apart he came up with a list of changes he was going to make; accepting my father no having issue with my kids and being understanding of my need to spend time with them not having issue with my ex. I chose to try again. I returned and it was like a dream he was amazing the first two weeks then Sunday it was like the old person returned. Issues came up again to less extent but issues that split us. Monday as we agreed when We separated I took my kids out for tea for an hour when he was in work to catch up. I only have three/ four days a week with them and find it hard to keep track of what's going on with them with 5 kids to watch. Mine are getting older I want to make sure we stay close. Despite agreeing and having the option to do things with his too he said he may as well be single. Etc said it shouldn't be I do it etc. Is this the beginning of the end? He's now gone stand offish and to be honest I think it may be the beginning of the end
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female
reader, katherine2081 +, writes (13 January 2017):
katherine2081 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you. I have put a deposit on a house and we will leave. I couldn't have done it without you xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2017): What solution do you have short of divorce? You seem quite distressed and I'm not sure why this man is your husband if he doesn't like your children?
There is no magic spell or potion anyone can offer you to resolve such a rooted issue. You married the wrong man; now you regret it. I would not keep anyone near my children who does or says anything that would upset or traumatize them.
You must have rushed into marriage with this man not knowing him; because you were eager to have a husband and financial help. You should have seen enough red-flags to know he would make a terrible husband and step-father for your children.
I think the main problem is you're passive-aggressive by nature; and the man walks all over you. You have no power or authority in your own home; and he knows you can't do a anything about how he behaves, because he overrides you as though you're one of the children.
I'm not going to suggest family-counseling; because I predict he will tell you you're crazy. You don't have the personality to go toe-to-toe with an aggressive man; but I think you've mistaken his aggressiveness and forcefulness as masculinity. He had every intention of taking over your household and telling you and the children what to do. He has succeeded. You now live under his rule and under home-invasion.
Well, if you can't come to terms on how to raise your children as a merged-family, you'll have to separate.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 January 2017):
 You really do need to put your children first here, it really is not fair on them growing up having this man in their lives who makes them feel left out. Please put your children first.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 January 2017):
 I'd still ask him to move out with his kids. I would NOT let a man RUIN my relationship with MY kids because HE is a petty and jealous man.
You kids have DONE nothing to ruin things, your DAD has done nothing. You HUSBAND on the other hand?
WHY prolong this misery?
So you can say you are married and not divorced?
In most cases kids BENEFIT from having two parents around, in your case? none of the kids benefit. Not yours, nor his. The only one who seems to benefit is HIM - so he can have someone to argue with and play head games with. YOU, your kids and HIS own kids too.
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A
female
reader, katherine2081 +, writes (12 January 2017):
katherine2081 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your replies. Our situation hasn't resolved. My children are 15 12 and 8. My husband disliked my daughter initially because she was good at school and achieves he said he compared her to his son who is the same age and more immature. He wouldn't let her sit next to me when we went out etc as he said she wanted my attention (I only see her 3-4 days a week and she misses me) and because his daughter had lost her mum she should sit next to me not her. It's continued on off with her such that my daughter is quiet around him but doesn't like him. He has tried things sometimes to help like taking her to the sweet shop but then if his daughter tells on mine and my daughter answers back he will start being funny again. So my daughter thinks he favours his abs hates her. My father he doesn't like because when he comes home he likes my dad to not be there even though he helps with both our kids. He said it should be is as a couple and I shouldn't see my dad only phone him once a week as I have him now. My 8 year old he used to be ok with the idle two he says remind him of my ex partner who he doesn't like, the 8 year old has had to fight his corner a bit as his daughter and son challenge him as his daughter is same age. My husband now says my son is naughty (in front of him) and he bugs the shit out of him when he is. I go away for work and sometimes am two hours late home due to distance I don't want to leave my 8 year old with him as I do think he favours his ( his daughter kicked my son in the back and my son said it was still hurting a day later he went mad I took him to dr saying he could have hurt his back anywhere) and he gives me a row about his not listening when I get home. My 8 year old says he's mean and shouts at him when I'm not there. Regarding his I have taken a step back am letting him lead in parenting whilst backing him up. He doesn't discipline them at all they steal money from his wallet (they get a dont do it again nothing is taken away from them) they steal from shops, break things in their rooms due to temper tantrums. I say nothing but yet I get an earful if my son is slow coming down for breakfast or bounces a ball in a bag. I'm getting more and more fed up. We all go out rarely with all the kids because the older ones hate it as there are always arguments due mostly to his daughter saying someone's on her side of the car , or she wants to sit in someone else seat etc and he defends her. I had a row Saturday as when he took his son to football I was going to go for a coffee with my friends and the kids I haven't seen for six months he said I chose them over him and didn't speak to me most of the day finishing with me by the evening them saying that wasn't what he wanted. I think he's a very mixed up person. I do love him I wish it could be different between us but I don't think he will ever accept my children. He says I have two much baggage- an ex partner (who we never see and has the kids half the week), two older children who we can't discipline like the others as their fathers involved, a younger child that had abandonment issues as his father doesn't bother with him. Despite the fact that he has an ex partner who hung herself he had a nervous breakdown a few years before that and is still on meds with mood swings constantly two poor kids who lost their mother that have terrible tantrums and need slot of attention. Yet I try and help all of that. He can't cope with his daughters tantrums at 8 she smashes things if she can't have sweets etc yet he says he can't cope or he will smash her and I have to calm her down. I feel he thinks he is perfect yet the rest of us are flawed and he judges us as such. I think it may be time to give up but I find it hard to have to courage to leave. Unfortunately I can't see how we will get through this to happy times. What would you do
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2016): The children are choosing sides, based on how you and your husband get along. They see something wrong, and it appears the disagreements about how they are handled are battled right in-front of them. You two disagree with each others parenting-style; instead of doing your best to make the children get along and behave themselves. The point is to make the families blend, not compare who has the best kids.
It's atrocious that they have to witness this!
It angers me when people use innocent children as pawns, or show their worst behavior before the children knowing how it can traumatize them; or offer a bad example of how to handle their problems. Whatever you and your husband do before them, it will influence how they behave. If they see you two don't get along, they won't. You cannot fault the children, fault each other as adults acting-up worse than the children.
The truth is, you don't like your husband. You rushed into marriage and you now regret it; so you're claiming he's mistreating your child and father. Just divorce him, and get it over with.
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (13 October 2016):
Yeah I think it is time to move on, you obviously are not a good match. It sounds like you don't work together at all. You seem to use the children as weapons. If you both cannot accept the children as one big family then there is no point trying all the time. It sounds like you both have issues with each others children instead off looking at them like your own. I think it is time to end this marriage.
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female
reader, katherine2081 +, writes (13 October 2016):
katherine2081 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis was my situation[add to watch list]Help!! My partner and I live with our 5 kids. Two from his previous relationship three from mine. He's very bias towards his kids and I'm scared its damaging my kids. Two of my kids spend half the week with their dad and I was on my own with the three kids for four years before I met him so I'm very close to my kids partic my 11 year old daughter. He had issues with my daughter from the start as she's clever popular the opposite of his son the same age. He called her precocious and boastful if she came and told us she did something good. He used to say my daughter kept wanting to sit next to me when out he would sit the other side he said she was too old to do this (even though I don't see her half the week) his 8 year old girl could though as her mum had passed away (she committed suicide). His kids get whatever they want but he watches what I do with mine like a hawk even though it's my money. I can have one on one with her or my son as he says I have other kids too. My daughter hates him. We just came back from holiday and fought every day as he was saying how terrible mine were all day and I mean all day. His daughter punched my daughter in the face after my daughter teased her I told them both off but had to pull his daughter away as she was still kicking. He called me a psycho bitch in front of all the kids and slammed a door on me. I feel sad that it's not working but feels like it's time to move on what do you think?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 October 2016):
This is WHO he is. He didn't REALLY change, he just "tried" to appease and please you, that is why it didn't last more than 2 weeks. His heart wasn't it in.
The issues you two have weren't resolved while he was away and honestly his "lost" of things he was going to change doesn't fix a thing. Especially when he isn't making those changes because he believes those needs to changed.
And I agree with Wise, don't use the kids or your dad as the reason it's not working. There is more to it than that. And IF he can't accept your dad OR your kids... why be with him? YOU are a package deal with your kids. He can't pick and choose whom he will make an effort with and whom he doesn't - not when it comes to the "shared" kids.
I think the issue here is you two are not a good match. Maybe you got married a bit too fast?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2016): There is no mention of how old the children are. I would think they are teenagers and older. Has your husband ever given specific reasons he doesn't like your dad and daughter?
It's difficult to give advice without more details about where the ill-feelings come from. If your daughter is disrespectful and sassy, or shows her resentment because she refuses to accept his authority. Well, that might make friction between the two.
Step-children in their teens are at their rebellious stage and act-out when they don't approve of what they may consider your attempt to replace your ex. I find it hard to believe he's just being hateful, and naturally you'd side with your child. As for your dad, they are overprotective of their daughters; and often no man is ever good enough. They sometimes go out of their way to let the hubby know it. Again, you have good reason to side with your father.
Naturally, because he's your dad.
Okay, I get it that he is controlling and isn't treating you right. These things are often red-flags or deal-breakers way before people get married; and I suspect you ignored these warnings and married him anyway.
I refuse to believe it's as one-sided as you implicate in your post. He may not like them, because he knows how much they don't like him. You claim his favoritism towards his own kids? Well, he's their father! You didn't make sure each side blended and got along before locking them together with marriage?
If you're now regretting the choice you've made, don't make the kids or your dad an excuse. It's not up to them to decide who you should be married to. They will take charge of your life if you allow them to. The incompatibility between you and your husband is the only justification for separation and divorce. You can't force people to like each other.
Your marriage isn't working based on the wrong choice and incompatibility; so be that the case; lawyer-up, and get the divorce.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (12 October 2016):
Okay so issues with the children seems to be the big one here and probably the most common with marriages who have children with other partners. It really is something you all need to work on as a family. You should take on his children and he yours. If he does not like your dad, you cannot force him, therefore it would be best if he just avoided him when he can and be polite when he sees him.
Can you both not make plans as a family? Go out will all the children? It sounds like he is feeling left out, yes it does sound like he is sulking but you both just need to communicate more. The children should be a reason to enjoy family time not get in the middle of you both.
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