A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is this the greater truth about why we lie to our partners?It’s interesting that when people are messing up, and failing their partner in a relationship by betraying them (i.e., cheating) few think about how they are hurting their loved one with their actions. But then when it comes time to face the consequences, they state they lie and withhold the truth b/c they don't want to "hurt their partner" by telling them about the betrayal. Yes, I do believe that people make mistakes, but the logic of lying to cover up one's mistakes is beginning to make little sense to me, and seems to prolong the cycle of selfishness and betrayal. Do more people think that lying is most often about protecting oneself, rather than protecting the person who has been hurt? As in "I'm lying to you b/c I'm the one that doesn't want to face the consequences, so I rationalize that I'm doing it to not cause you great pain?" I would like to stay away from being selfish, and this mentality about lying and cheating is starting to strike me as selfish and as pretty sickening...how one can live their lives looking at the person they love, while knowing that they are lying to them everyday is beginning to seem quite ill to me...any thoughts? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): There are many reasons to lie.
There are many reasons not to lie.
At any one time a person may have 10 of each and may have trouble weighting them, and from day to day may weight them differently.
Don't be to judgmental about people and their actions in relationships, until you have truly walked in their shoes. You really don't know what they are going through, or have gone through in their lives.
I'm not making excuses for lying to partners, I won't do it in my relationship (except to hide gifts or surprises), but reality is much different for others.
A
female
reader, blahblahblahh  +, writes (11 October 2010):
 Very well said male anonymous, absolutly spot on..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): There is exactly and only one reason to lie to anyone about anything. That being to control that other person's perception of reality for purposes of manipulating them.
By withholding facts, and substituting falsehood, you skew the ability of the other to perceive the truth based on facts. You do this because you either want them to do something, or to not do something. You may fear their reaction to the truth, or you may want them to provide some sort of reward, be it emotional, financial, or otherwise.
This is not love. This is possession. To lie to your partner about something even approaching half as significant as your sexual activity is to simultaneously state to yourself that possessing and manipulating this person into giving me the easy self gratification and security I use them for is more important that letting that person know me for who I am and choose to love me, warts and all.
It has nothing to do with "I didn't want to hurt you". It has everything to do with "I didn't want to feel bad for hurting you" and "I didn't want you to take away the love and security I use you for, especially not when I need that security so badly because I feel so rotten for hurting you"
This is not love. This is possession. It completely lacks any sense of respect or basic human regard.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): Lying to someone to protect them is usually bullshit. Some of the time a person might rather you lie to them. But the vast majority of the time it's not.
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A
male
reader, Cccc  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 Yea well telling someone something like that will not only have Known effects it could change your world forever and you are probably right !
I personally think that living with a Lie would ultimately destroy who you think you are.The thing about it is you start going on the Guilt trip and suffering from guilt just has its way of shining through and ultimately making you numb and less affectionate,depressed and numb around the person making it hard to fake 100% of the time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): There is a good book that helps explain the motivation behinds people's actions and it's not a difficult read....don Miguel Ruiz is the author, can't remember the name of the book, but check it out. It will change your life and you won't always be wondering why people do what they do.....
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 Have you a partner that has cheated on you? Or a family member? Sorry i just dont see what you need help with here, all you seem to do is talk about cheating in general. Yes a lot of people lie about it due to the fact that they are cowards and dont want to see the hurt they have caused someone they dont want people thinking bad of them and they dont want to watch someone broke in front of them knowing that it was them that caused it, however some people do genuinly not want to hurt a partner but i think honesty is the best policy always will be, honesty trust and communication is all very important in a partnership.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): from the begining of time people have lied to their partners,parents,children etc an that reason being to protect them from hurt and pain its not all about protecting ourselves we all do things we wish we hadnt and there is nobody in this world who has not lied or held back the truth from someone they love
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