A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together 10 happy months. We are in a committed long-distance relationship currently and we get along very well. However, I'm concerned with the amount of time he spends "pleasuring himself." Since we are so far away and cannot be physically intimate, we would do it together and it helped us feel closer. This morning I woke up and saw him masturbating (we Skype through the night) and did not think much of it. He was probably being considerate and didn't wake me up because it would have been early in the morning for me. It looked like he was watching a video, but I don't know what he would be watching (because he told me he didn't watch porn anymore. Apparently it made him feel guilty that he was getting off watching someone who wasn't his girlfriend). I woke up again a while later and he was masturbating again. He told me before that he usually gets off 3 or so times a day. I guess I just wish he would make more advances to do it with me instead of alone. I'm not just talking about this morning, but later in the day when I'm awake, too. It seems like I'm the only one initiating the both of us doing it together anymore. Does he prefer doing it by himself? Am I not pleasing him enough? I would love some advice on this, because I don't want to pressure him into doing things he is not getting pleasure from. Also, I have issues with feeling inadequate in the first place (as far as looks go because I was tormented for years about how ugly I am); I am wondering if I should stop thinking that I can actually turn him on without trying hard.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous male reader: As a soon-to-be graduate student in Psychology, I understand the "fundamental differences" between men and women. I'm not stupid or naive. Just because our relationship is online does not constitute it as "fake" or less of a relationship in some way. There are people together in person with worse relationships than couples online, so I do not appreciate that comment. We've met in person before, he's incredibly committed (so I *will* be fond of monogamy, thank you); I have plans to move in with him within the next few months.
"Dirtball" and Anonymous female reader: Thank you for the advice. I talked to him and feel much better. Oh, to clarify, he initiated it and we do have fun with trying different things together. He stopped initiating because he felt that I would be too stressed and tired from college to mess around; he thought I would feel guilty if I had to turn him down. I'm glad I got the courage to talk to him about it. I probably would have left it alone until it made me sick from thinking about it. Again, thanks for the help!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): It sounds like you don't understand the fundamental differences between men and women. No, you are not pleasuring him enough because you are not physically there. A virtual relationship won't replace the need for a man to eventually have a real relationship, sorry to say. Either see him more, plan to move where he is, or don't have high expectations of monogomy.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (28 April 2011):
 Oh man, lots of issues, and none that will be resolved without talking it out.
I'm sorry to say, but he's watching porn. His line is classic, but the truth is that he's using it, and has been all along. That doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive, or doesn't like what you do together, but it's safe to assume he's using porn regularly.
Am I not pleasuring him enough? Again, sorry to say, but no. The reason, it's all virtual. It would be different if this wasn't an LDR and you could actually get together. But given your situation, you cannot possibly pleasure him enough. He's a 3 times a day masturbator. Is your sex drive that high? Would you be interested in dirty chat or play that often?
Does he prefer doing it by himself? That's a tough one. Most guys, if they just want to get off quickly, find it easier if they do it themselves. Sometimes dirty talk and what not can get awkward. If you need a quick release it can be over much faster without having to focus on other stuff.
However, do not take any of this stuff as a reflection on you OP. This all has to do with him. Talk to him about it. This conversation is bound to happen anyway, so it's best it gets out in the open now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): Were you the one who initially suggested masturbating together? Perhaps he is uncomfortable with it, or possibly wanted you to step in when you saw him masturbating on his own.Talk to him about it, but don't push the issue of porn or make him feel as though it is wrong for him to do these things without you. Guys watch porn. They lie about it. It's what they do. It's not a big deal. He didn't hide the fact that he was masturbating from you, either...so, I don't think there's anything to worry about.Perhaps he finds the mutual masturbation a little stale...what, with it being over the internet, and all. If you haven't already, try to make it a little more interactive. Have him tell you what he wants you to do to yourself, and vice versa. Be open to each other's suggestions, but also let each other know your personal boundaries. It could be exciting!On the other hand, maybe it's just not something that works for you guys. Keep experimenting, and enjoy!
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