A
female
age
30-35,
*ola1002
writes:I wanted to become celibate but my boyfriend threatened to leave me.....clearly he cannot respect my decision...What do i do?But he claims he loves me so much.
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female
reader, HHlll  +, writes (14 June 2011):
As someone who is currently going through this with my BF I can tell you that it may be much more than not respecting you.
It could very well be that he is feeling rejected. It's very hard to hear that someone who you have been with intimately suddenly no longer wants to be with you. Have you tried explaining your reasons to him.
I'm certainly not saying that you shouldn't do what is right for you but that's a lot to take in. It could deal a serious blow to his self-esteem if you aren't able to let him know why.
You def. need to have an open and honest discussion with this person and only continue on if you're on the same page. Wish you luck, it's a tough place to be in :/
A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (29 April 2011):
 How about:
I threatened my boyfriend with celibacy now he's leaving me.
Clearly that's the case.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2011): You are both adults, neither can force the other to something he/she doesn't want to do, but both are also free to leave the relationship if it is not what you want.
If two people have significantly different views on an important issue (and sex is always an important issue), one or both will have to make significant compromises. The problems is that even if one of the two respects the other's decision and agrees to compromise, the person who is compromising will tend to be dissatisfied, and they are likely to resent the degree of compromise necessary and conclude they'd be happier in a different relationship that was a better fit.
Assigning blame for differences in values is a complete waste of time.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 April 2011):
 He does respect your decision. He's not forcing you into sex after all! You must also respect his: he wants sex in a relationship. If you respect his decision you must let him go so he can find someone who wants the same in a relationship as he does.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): The horse is out. Closing the barn door now won't put the horse back in.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): I'm relieved to hear it was just an idle idea...
Sometimes we get questions on this site from women who want to become temporarily celibate in preparation for marriage.
Some say they do it to get the "new feeling" back again.
Some woman attempt celibacy while in a relationship because they want to prove that their partner truly loves them.
Often, they have guilt and shame surrounding their past sex life. I suppose they think of celibacy as a type of purging of that guilt.
I think at times it's ended up being rather destructive to partnership. Here are some related questions...it might give you an idea of what other people's perspectives of this situation:
www.dearcupid.org/question/i-have-a-very-high-libido-and-she.html
www.dearcupid.org/question/she-doesnt-want-to-have-sex-unless-were.html
Do what makes you happy. Good luck.
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female
reader, lola1002 +, writes (28 April 2011):
lola1002 is verified as being by the original poster of the question lol thanks :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): His reaction was quite normal then OP it was not a sign that he doesn't respect you or your decisions. If you're not ready to become celibate anyway then there's no problem.
For the future OP you're already a Christian and I assume you're already living a good life according to your beliefs, so there's no need to change that based on how other Christians live their lives and show their faith. Especially based on a TV show. I mean that's like watching a TV show about the Westboro Baptist Church and deciding it's good idea to wave posters with "God hates Fags" written on them outside dead soldiers funerals.
There are thousands of different sects of Christianity that all believe in living different lifestyles, there's nothing to say the way you are living now isn't the perfect way a Christian is supposed to act. As for all that rebirth and celibacy stuff there is no time limit on that OP. You can decide to become celibate and make that pledge a week before you're married and it's the same thing.
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female
reader, lola1002 +, writes (28 April 2011):
lola1002 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes i lost my virginity to him.I have been having sex with him the past 2yrs, so i was watching this Christian programme and i thought i should become one, since i am christian until marriage.I am not ready to become celibate but i suggested it to him, if he agreed we would both. But he didn't agree he seemed upset about it and he was asking the same question why now?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): If he loves you as he says, he should at least be willing to try the relationship without sex. If he finds he cannot do it, then like the others said, you're better off as friends. There are guys out there who can hold off on sex, who want to make that choice. There can be plenty of romance without sex.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (28 April 2011):
 Why did you want to become celibate? Had you been sexually active with him in the past, then suddenly decide you want to be celibate? Or have you always wanted to be celibate and are still a virgin?Please give a bit more information before we can really help you.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (28 April 2011):
 Sexual intimacy is a big part of a relationship. It's not a matter of respecting your decision, it's a matter of knowing what he wants out of a relationship. Expecting someone to spend the entire rest of his life sans sex is a huge huge huge deal. If this is something you want, just companionship without sex, it's not fair of you to try to demand he become celibate too. You can't both be celibate and have a wonderful boyfriend unless you find someone with a medical problem. Why do you want to be celibate in the first place?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): It depends on a lot of things, mainly why you want to become celibate. But if you've been sexually active and that has become part of your relationship then I don't see why you would want to stop that. Nor how you expect him to be okay with that.I mean how long do you intend on becoming celibate for? Until marriage? I mean if you've already been doing sex stuff with him and now suddenly you tell him that's gone now until marriage then you've just taken away an important part of what your relationship has been built on. He can wait but should he? Only he can answer that OP.If you're serious about being celibate then what's the point in having a boyfriend? It's better if you just broke up and became friends. Because that's pretty much what you're doing when you become celibate anyway. Plus you'll have to get rid of the temptation if you want it to be a success. No sex or romance means friendship.It sounds like he is respecting your decision and has just told you that without that there is no relationship. So you would be better off finding a celibate guy instead while he finds a girl who is willing to have sex.Basically OP celibacy would just make you two incompatible, if this is a long term thing you want to have.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): You both have opinions on this, and while I can see your point, I also see his.If he has to respect your decision, what about his decision? Do you not have to respect his, or is it a double standard? If you started off in an intimate relationship, why would he have any reason to suspect that one day you would change your mind? It is part of any healthy normal functioning relationship. The fact that you want to change this aspect means that this is something YOU need to come to terms with inside of your self, not him. I'm not saying you must have sex, you shouldn't do anything you dont want to do, but then at least break up with him while you are figuring out what you really want out of life and relationships.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): I'm assuming you've had sex before with him, but are no longer interested in it. What about your feelings toward sex have changed?Frankly, I understand why this might be a deal breaker for him or for anyone for that matter. The distinguishing characteristic of a boyfriend/girlfriend status is that you are sexually intimate in Some way. If you insist on being celibate, what distinguishes your relationship from just a friendship? In that sense, I understand why he might not want to continue the relationship.OP, he CAN respect your decision without having to go along with it. He may be also making a decision that being sexually intimate is very important to him, and that is a decision to be respected as well. Obviously it wouldn't be great for either of you if you had sex out of obligation to keep him as a boyfriend. It would make you resentful and it you probably wouldn't enjoy the sex. Neither would he. If you're serious about being celibate, I suggest you let him go while you explore this phase of your life.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 April 2011):
 well have you clearly defined WHY you want to become celibate? is this a reborn purity pledge till you are married?is this a "test" of your relationship?
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