A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I had a fight. It was bad, I would not give up without talking, he wanted to sleep (had a test the next morning) so he ignored me and my tears (I am extremely depressed lately and feel like I have no one to turn to, so there is a lot of crying and it feels like he does not care anymore if I cry or not because he is used to it). I was angry and as I lay in bed, I dragged the blanket off him. He punched me twice in the bottom. Really hard ( I am a petite, 49kg, 162cm) and it actually still hurts. I was shocked so I just lay there without saying anything. He then made it look like I was stupid for crying "I punched you in the BOTTOM", he said as if was OK. Twice he rose his hand as if he was going to hit me in the face (he has hit me once before). I just rolled over and went to sleep. He punched me again. Just that this time he has missed and punched me in the lower back. Now am I actually overreacting as he says, or is this really was bad as it looks to me? To me it is pure abuse and I am considering just leaving. I love him to bits, but to me it looks like this is just the beginning of physical abuse in the relationship. It's like he has opened the door to it and now he won't close it, he knows he can do it and he will. I feel like it's only up to me to stop this. By breaking up. HELP?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): DUMP HIM! PLEASE! ):
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): Hm... All I can say... I did not keep it as a secret. I let him read some of it, and all he said is that "it is not making it better". And how would it? I am a psychology student myself. USed to be positive most of the time, but realistic is also acceptable - people here cannot stay objective. From the comments I can see they were on one side or another. No many (not fully) thought of being in between. It always takes two. He is an amazing guy (with bad future, but it made him who is is). And I am just a girl who did not let anyone get near her until she thought she found "the one". And since I think I found the one, and he thinks she found it as well, I am not going to give up on this. It takes some pain to know what relief is. (Sorry if some of it does not make sense - I had two glasses of wine, which is a looooot for me, and I am not English (he is)). Good night and best luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): Who said anything about fighting for their rights? Not me I assure you! Basically, they know when to shut up and give it a rest. You don't see Geisha girls arguing with men do you?
Anyway, all that aside, you two need to learn to live in harmony. That means you letting him sleep when he wants to and him keeping his hands to himself. There's enough anger in the world without you two adding to it.
You may love him, but if you carry on like this all the time he's not going to hang around for long. The fact that you cam from a dysfunctional family isn't a reason for you being dysfunctional yourself. If anything, the experience ought to be some sort of guide on how NOT to behave.
Whatever, I wish you well, but if you poke a stick into a hornet's nest you'll get stung.
Now - kiss and make up and forget all about this. It's now in the past but if he lifts a finger against you again it's time to walk. And if you nag him half to death again it's time for him to walk.
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female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (29 October 2009):
 A quote taken from the OP’s first follow up:
"After he punched me and made it look as if it was OK, I got up and said "It is OK? Well if this is OK, then it is fine for me to do this" and punched him. He got really mad. Then he made it look like he is going to hit me."
When desperate for sleep, being cried at relentlessly, nagged and harassed repeatedly, one tends not to be at their best. He should have left the bed to sleep elsewhere, although I suspect the OP would have followed and continued her assault. She was being emotionally abusive.
She also punched him.
I don't think anyone here has said the OP (or anyone) deserves to be hit. However, the OP is no innocent victim. It is a positive sign that she can admit to SOME of her fault in this. It is a start.
If she chooses to read bitterness in this post because it helps her feel better about herself, then she is free to do so. If she has "a healthy understanding of the lines that should be drawn in any relationship", she needs to work on applying that knowledge.
I wish her luck. I wish everyone could be as happy as I am. I believe it is possible to find happiness and I hope she learns soon that the happiness she seeks is within.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): Hahaha, that is a bit of racism in a funny form, Uncle Phil. And go ahead, inform us. Why do those girls "prefer to sleep" than fight for their rights? Let me guess.... Because they never had any? Anyway, I hope that was simply a sarcastic comment and nothing else. Yes, I have provoked him. Maybe my fault was in disturbing him when he genuinly wanted to sleep. But all those times before, when he would end the conversation whenever he wanted, and just start ignoring? Is that not an emotional abuse? I have done my mistakes, he has done his. Mine did not involve half of his insults. And mine did not involve attacking and humiliating him. He has admitted he treated me very badly before, he has admitted he drove me into depression and was terrified to see the person I became even though it was my fault that I became bitter, because I did not manage to take everything as a strong adult. Anyway, my naive theory was he could take this one lash out after he has admitted he hit me because of his own mistake... You see, he got into a fight, and blamed me for the fight... And he simply misheard me. Instead of Anyway, he has hit me. And I took it horribly bad. I could not get over it and became hysterical so very often. It has been only a week, and we did not really talk about him hitting me. So I became irritated for no reason. And you can see the consequences. I do not deny my mistakes, and I find it really funny how much bitterness there is in many people's questions. I came from a dysfunctional family, but unlike those who said the same about themselves here, I have a healthy understanding of the lines that should be drawn in any relationship. And those, who said "I would do this, I would do that"; "if I were him" and so on, make me smile. I aimed to stay away from people who think like that. I actually did. Because even though he has hit me, unlike many people in here, he gives it a little thought and realizes that he cannot cary on like that. I lovce him. And we are going to work on this. I believe that people can change, because in my life I have witnessed a dramatic change. I believe in him, and I will give it another chance. Even though those who have not been bitter towards me yet, will be bitter because of that. Good luck everyone... Be fair to your partners.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): If I could I'd like, via yourself, to draw your boyfriend's attention to the advert on this thread about Asian Girls For Marriage.
I'm sure Asian girls will be less dramatic and prefer to sleep at night rather than talk. Please show the advert to him. I know he'll thank me one day.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): "He punched me twice in the bottom. Really hard (I am a petite, 49kg, 162cm) and it actually still hurts. I was shocked so I just lay there without saying anything. He then made it look like I was stupid for crying "I punched you in the BOTTOM", he said as if was OK."No offence, but HOW can anyone else possibly say that this sort of stuff was OK to the OP? That she "provoked" it? Nothing someone merely says, save perhaps a serious threat of harm, could EVER justify physically hurting someone else. I don't care if they have an exam the next morning. I don't care if she was "nagging" him. It's NOT OK and, frankly, OP, you should cut any loose ends now and dump him. I would also recommend reporting it to the police. Yes, people do face "real, legal consequences," for their actions, and that is because we live in a civilized country where, I hope, the blame does not lie with the victim.Seriously. I don't want to sound like I'm insulting anyone here, but as someone who's had to deal with abuse from a very early age, a lot of the opinions I am reading here utterly disgust me, and are the reason we have a domestic violence epidemic going on at the moment. Too many people seem to be subscribing to the myth of "REAL abuse" and "REAL abusers," as if you have to be kicked or strangled or left half-dead before it's abuse. An otherwise so-called "nice guy" who can't control himself every once in a while and lashes out is still an abuser. Physical violence as a means of getting someone to do what you want them to do is completely unacceptable.Because how do you know that a "nice guy" is such a nice guy? People are what you can SEE them do, not what you ASSUME they intend. Placing the blame with the victim is something that all abusers do; he's not three, for Christ's sake, he can face the consequences of his actions like any other adult."Twice he rose his hand as if he was going to hit me in the face (he has hit me once before)". I hope that re-reading that last part you wrote will persuade you to do what you know you need to, OP, if you haven't already.Good luck. You know what you've got to do: get out before it gets worse.
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female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (29 October 2009):
I have to agree with everyone here who says you've baited your boyfriend. I, too, would have wanted to lash out at you. You demonstrated absolutely NO compassion for your boyfriend who had a test in the morning and was trying to sleep. It was all about you and what YOU wanted; his needs be “damned”.
You cry a lot, by your own admission. You think he is used to your tears. What does that say to you?
I try to be as empathetic as possible to people, hence why I come here to try and offer whatever help I can. And yet in this situation, I can see myself being beyond “used” to the tears and perhaps fed up of them. He is your boyfriend, but that does not entitle you to be an emotional sponge sucking up all his positive energy by being an emotionally draining basket-case.
Your reaction to quiet-echo's frank and honest disclosure was more baiting, jabbing and name-calling. The fact is she is absolutely right and you could have grown as a person if you’d been open to it instead of defensive.
Is he allowed to punch you in the butt? No. Is he allowed to threaten to hit you in the face? No. Are you entitled to have a temper tantrum when he doesn’t aside his own immediate needs (sleep) to discuss your feelings? No. Do you have boundaries you have to honour, too? Absolutely. We have a social responsibility to treat others as we wish to be treated. When you encroach upon someone’s boundaries, you open yourself up to having your boundaries encroached.
He is unlikely to see you as a hapless victim he can shove around at his whim, like REAL abusers do. He is a boy at his wits end, lacking the proper skill sets to deal with you. No, he did not handle things the right way, but he is not an abuser. He was simply DESPARATE to get some peace!
I agree that you need to examine why you are so unhappy with your life. I also agree that this relationship is not in a healthy place right now. It is very possible it will never be again.
If you can get a handle on what is going on with YOU, then everything else will fall into place. Your first step is accepting your responsibility for your own unhappiness.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Full moon temptress1 +, writes (29 October 2009):
i think some relationships just don't work.You say you have been depressed lately and cry alot,maybe you need to work out why your depressed.Go to your Doctors an deal with it this way.What he did was wrong,but like others have said you are provoking him to a point.When he is free of exams why not go out to dinner and talk to him,quietly and calmly.He may not know how to be with you when you are upset,and you need to know when to stop pushing for attention that is only going to end up with bad results.Reading your question reminds me of a child who is not getting attention and any attention even is bad is something.You need to let him know that he cannot punch you,and let him tell you how he could handle things better.Good luck
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): So you thought you had some safe-harbor that allowed you to act in a childish, aggressive manner and nobody could respond. Well you were wrong. You undertook all kind of aggressive, manipulative attacks on some one who you knew perfectly clearly wanted to be left alone. You are in a shared living space and when the other person clearly communicates that they dont wish to interact then you are not allowed to infringe on that. Go off and try screwing around with a sleeping dog and then come back on here crying about how you got bit. We'll tell you it was your fault. Same thing here. Hopefully some sense has been knocked into you. You do not have the right to force someone to talk to you whenever, wherever and on your terms. Even if you never get hit again you need to reassess the way you deal with other people.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): Look,Im not going to get involved in the debate about whether or not this was abuse. I will say though that you seem to be making excuses for your own behaviour and you dont seem to be adult about it. you did not invite physical abuse, one never does ad your bf did punch you so I think the following.You need to be a woman, decide what your willing to tolerate and then be grown up enough to stand by your decision. YOU can change this, by walking away , by breaking up with him, by explaining what you feel about it to him.Your not going to get a really clear cut answer to this question until people know both sides, my advice is to decide what you want and then go after it.Elpigaro
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): I agree with quiet-echo in most of what she said - sulking, crying and pulling covers are all very childish things to do and I'm not in the least bit surprised that you're boyfriend exploded.
However, a real man will never EVER hit a woman. I would not put up with what he did if I were you, but perhaps there is more to this story than we know... you're call in the end.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): I totally agree with quiet-echo on this.
You provoked him. You wouldn't let it go. You were like a little Jack Russell terrier pulling on the seat of his pants that kept being warned to let go and eventually got knocked off rather than talked off.
There are few things more annoying when you're trying to get to sleep than a woman crying in your ear, rocking the bed with heaving sobs, relentlessly rabbiting on and pulling the covers off in a huff.
No wonder he lashed out. I think I'd have been tempted to do the same if there wasn't another bed to get into.
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female
reader, nomad101  +, writes (29 October 2009):
I have to reply to the comment of quiet echo. Your situation is unbelievably sad and my heart goes out to any woman that must endure a life with someone you once loved/love. However, abuse is abuse. Since when shall women keep our mouths shut to keep from being hit, kicked, thrown against walls! If he abuses you after some nagging, what's he going to do years down the line? This is just the beginning girl. I've been there. If he didn't want to listen to your nagging and pettyness then he could have removed himself from the situation for a while til things cooled down. This is just my opinion. I have been in abusive relationship. You shouldn't have to change who you are..no matter what your character. But I do agree with one thing that was mentioned in an earlier post. Sometimes at the moment you don't want to give up on the argument/fight cause you want things resolved but the other partner does not care at the moment...sometimes things are better left alone for a bit then try to talk about it like adults. And one last thing...even if he pushes you, that is unacceptable!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): Ouch. You are a very bitter person. But thank you for your advice. I can see my faults, I do not deny them. That why I said I have provoked him (in the previous post). It seems like you are broken... You believe that there are certain things you cannot do, because it might call out an abusive behaviour, when in reality, no one has a right to invade your personal space like this. Don't fall for this, do not let any man treat the way you were treated and don't hide your feelings because you think you might be hit. I have a lot of experience in my life, darling, and I know what abuse is and where it starts. I know, that it does not start of heavy beating straight away, just as your (for sure) did not. It starts with signs. It starts and does not end if you do not end it. Silly as it sounds, you stayed with someone who has abused you horribly for nothing. I am thinking of defending myself against someone who abused me less because I believe in human rights. That's the difference between us. Don't be bitter and look after yourself. And I could not blame you if you hate the man for what he did to you, because you seem to be extremely cold to other people's feelings.
I am not broke, I am analysing the situation and looking for the solution. And it is going to stay that way, because I will never let anyone treat me the way you have let that animal treat you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): There is a part missing out of it... After he punched me and made it look as if it was OK, I got up and said "It is OK? Well if this is OK, then it is fine for me to do this" and punched him. He got really mad. Then he made it look like he is going to hit me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): Thank You. I just wish I was a little bit stronger and could leave without feeling like I am dying. I guess I bring the worst out in him, and I can see how it is sometimes my own fault in driving him mad up to the point where he cannot control himself. I guess I would do him more good if I left him.
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female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (29 October 2009):
Trust your gut, because it is right!!! You know deep down that this is abuse and it is not ok, so trust that because it is very right.
This isnt the "start of an abusive relationship" this IS an abusive relationship already.
Often abusers will start off with "less serious abuse" such as punching walls or other things (such as how your bf punched you in the bum) which they THINK they can pass off as not being abuse, when in fact, it is.
He raises his hands as a form of intimidation- this is abuse. even if he doesnt always go through with hiting you- the point is he is trying to intimidate and control you to do whatever it is he wants- this is not ok!!!
You deserve so much more then this and I know you know it.
I really hope you do break up with him. This is best for you and for him. You need to break free from him because this will only damage you even more in the long run. And yoru bf needs to be single for a while so he can work through his problems and potentially create a better life for himself- but he cant do that while hes in a relationship.
Look after your self and leave, take care
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