A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Im so confused! This guy is so different from every other man ive ever met,and I have no idea how to take him.Ive known him for a year.We agreed to be just friends,because he claims he doesnt want a commitment.This was after we were already doing mainly everything a couple does,except without the magic word.So now,nothing.Just friends.He tried at first to push my boundries,but I think weve come to a silent settlement of what I will allow and what I wont.Although he still manages to sneak his arm around me and little things like that,and we still do date type things together.But no intimate stuff.Anyways,it gets weirder.He goes completely out of his way to do nice and thoughtful things for me just out of the blue.He still wants us to vacation together this coming summer.Not exactly sure how thats going to work without having some uncomfortable situations at bed time!He bought me very nice,costly things for X-mas and birthday.He acts like somebody would act when they are trying to impress a girl.But why bother if he doesnt want a relationship anyways?So I found that we are both looking around on the same dating website,after he showed up in my profile views.His profile first said he only wanted friends,and that he is completely content with being single.Now the story has changed and it says long term. Hello! He told me he doesnt want a relationship with anybody.I totally see myself getting hurt here,and yet I still keep hanging out with him and talking to him.What on earth could he possibly be thinking? Am I wrong for thinking this is strange behavior for a guy? Even my best friend found it strange,because if he doesnt want a relaionship,and hes no longer getting sex,then why is he still putting any effort into this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): Hello. Hes still putting effort into it because he wants sex. Hes trying to impress you, buying your nice gifts...sneaking his arm round you and things like that. You are interesting to him! You are saying no. Men like a challenge. Also hes put that hes looking for a long term relationship on the dating website to attract more women. That looks better than....Hi my names Pete and i want to meet loads of women, have sex but definately no commitment. I dont think he would get many responses to that, do you? Hes a friend. He wants sex with you but not a proper relationship. You have made it clear thats not right for you. Just enjoy the attention and presents. They will slowly dry up as he meets more online women thanks to his new improved advert!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): \I don't know something doesn't seem right does it?I think men get to commitment and marriage very differently than women do.I think he does have some feelings for you or you are right he wouldn't put this much effort into things and buy you gifts and make future plans for vacations unless he plans to not follow through, but so far you haven't said he cancels dates or does things like that.I think he may be just "seeing what's out there" by putting long term relationship up on his dating profile.He knows he will attract more women that way, or at least better women as most men are aware that is what women want ultimately out of a relationship.So he doesn't lack awareness or insight into what you want out of this with him that is why he keeps putting you off by saying he doesn't want a relationship.What he lacks is motivation. I think you should just start dating other men and let him know about it, not in a way to make him jealous, but you need to give him a little power speech. You can say I know you aren't ready to commit to me and you have every right to take all the time you need, but I really am not looking to be anyone's exclusive girlfriend, I want the happy ever after. So you just take as much time as you need to decide and while you do that I am going to be dating and spending time with some other guys. And by the way, if you date any other women then I will take that as your answer that you do not want to be with me and I will go on my way....and if you do want to be with me, then we can be exclusive where sex is concerned, but my heart belongs to me and until you decide who your heart belongs to, that is where it is going to stay, open to other possibilities.And then let him sit there in dumbfounded silence to think about what you just offered. Then walk out the door, and by the way, wear a dress when you give this speech and look put together....he won't know what hit him.If he chooses to continue on his dating quest, then you know you put it out there on the table after a year he needs to step it up a bit and move the relationship forward or it's simply going to die.And why do this? Women lose their power in relationships with men when they let themselves become the selectee instead of the selector. You are the prize he has to win and he we only want you if he has to win you...so go out there and get yours.Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (5 January 2010):
 I think it is time for the two of you to re-evaluate your relationship. Sit him down and ask him what is going on. It seems like you are both vested in this relationship, but no one wants to admit it.
Tell him how you feel. If he doesn't feel the same way, its probably time to move on. You have a wonderful life ahead of you. It would be sad to wake up one day and look back at 10 years of your wasted on a man that doesn't have the same relationship goals that you do ( I assumde your goals are to move forward in this relationship or you wouldn't have written this pos)t.
Good Luck,
Jeff
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A
female
reader, curious26 +, writes (5 January 2010):
I'm in the same boat and its confusing...I'm going to break off the friendship soon. Since I still like him. Why torture ourselves right?
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