A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A few years ago, I was away from home studying for the summer with a group of students. There was a boy staying in the same place as us who we all got along with. He bonded with the other girls a lot faster than he did with me because I was very shy back then and he seemed really outgoing but eventually we became friends and got along really well. We would spend evenings in his room listening to music together or watching TV shows or we would all go out to parties together in a group. He had been in a relationship for several years so this is not a romantic thing, we were all just friends. It wasn’t all perfect though and there were times there when we would have awkward silences and other times (usually when he’d been drinking at night) that he would be really affectionate, although a lot more with other girls than with me. I thought that we were friends though and things would stay that way in the future. We stayed in contact after I left and would have conversations late at night online. He started trying to tell me about some of his relationship problems during conversations but I pretty much ignored it and didn’t offer any advice back apart from telling him in the nicest possible way to deal with it with his partner because I’d only met his partner once and therefore didn’t think it was any of my business. When I came back to study in the same place a few months later he was at first really enthusiastic about meeting up again and me and my friends met up with him a few times. However, he then started to go really distant and moody and I quickly started to notice that he seemed to hate the idea of spending any time alone with me, like if he even got the slightest hint that I would be there alone he would back out or make excuses for not attending, yet if we were all there in a group he was fine with me and we got along well. He also became weird about going into any rooms that I was staying in, like hotel rooms etc even though we used to sit in each other’s rooms all the time the previous summer. I used to find it really weird because I’ve got plenty of friends who have no problem meeting with me one to one so it’s not like I’m impossible to talk to when I’m alone or anything.When I went home again I didn’t hear much from him so I started to forget about him and concentrate on other things. Then I was back in his city again and told him I was there just so it didn’t seem rude if I bumped into him with no warning and he was all nice again saying we should meet up, but as usual he dropped out last minute with feeble excuses, probably because he worked out I was there alone. I decided from then on to cut him out of my life, so I cut all contact with him and made no effort to get in touch etc. He took it upon himself recently (after months without me contacting him) to get back in touch, saying we should see each other again, sending nice messages, asking about my family etc. But now the same thing is happening all over again and he’s hot one minute cold the next. I’ve also noticed he’s still in touch with our other friends and always seems to be really nice with them; the cold treatment seems to be reserved just for me. When I was going through a bad time around Christmas he was really supportive and we do get along sometimes but I find this refusal to have face to face contact with me and making sure he’s out of town whenever I’m anywhere near where he lives, yet wanting to pretend to be good friends through the internet really weird. Have I somehow done something to offend him without realizing? Is he really just shy deep down? Or is this some weird game where he likes having me around when I’m useful to him but it’s not really a genuine friendship? If anyone knows people like this and has any advice then that would be great. I’m kind of thinking that it’s time to cut him off again but it would be interesting to see if someone could explain why this is happening before I do that.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2011): Hello, this man is not interested you in a romantic way at ALL. As soon as you stop liking him and move on, he will probably be normal and stop panicking over the pressure he feels of you crushing on him.
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