A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys! I've recently met a guy a couple of weeks ago. We went out for a drink a few days after meeting, and he told me he didn't want any kind of serious relationship and just wanted a bit of fun. I've been having relationship problems myself lately and i thought at the time/think right now, that i don't want anything serious myself as I'm still not over the hurt i felt after my last relationship. We ended up sleeping together after the first date (wrong i know, but it felt right at the time). We've had quite a few dates since and we both agreed that it is just sex. I don't want to get in to a relationship right now, but when i spend time with him, it just feels so right, we have a laugh, real conversation, i know more about him already than i knew about my ex after 6months. When I'm with him, It's as if I'm just chilling with a friend, even if we are cuddling up on the sofa, but when I'm not with him, all i think of is going to see him. Also he said that when he has finished his course, that he is moving to another country to live and work. I think i might be getting feelings towards him, but when i'm with him i don't think about him in that way and see him more as a friend, even when we're in the bedroom, it does feel like just sex. He's not leading me on at all, he has told me exactly what he does and/or doesn't want, and I think I want the same, but I'm just not sure. I know if I walk away from it all now it'll hurt me, as it will if i stick around. Is it stupid to think that after a bit of time he may change his mind and decide that he does want more after spending time with me? I really don't know what to do, i know in my head that either way, It's going to end at some point. I don't know if i should just walk away from it now, or wait until he leaves (If he definitely does), wait until i know exactly how i feel and approach him about it if i want something more, or just ask him outright now about any chances of anything. I know even if i did fall in love with him, and he felt the same , that i wouldn't be able to move to a different country for him and i wouldn't expect him to change his life plans for me. Is this just a lost cause from the start?Thanks for any answers ! :D x
View related questions:
my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok i got over my denial and asked himif it could ever be more than sex- and he said yes and we started dating and things were really nice.
but one of his mates tried it on with me as their girlfriend walked in and she got the wrong idea and its all over now anyways :(
thank you for your advice though .... :D xx
A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (7 October 2009):
 I think you're in a denial of sorts.
Askoldersister and I unanimously answered your questions. Yes it is a lost cause and no, there is no chance this will be anything more than sex - whether there are little outings in between the sex or not.
You can try to "clarify" things until the cows come home. Nothing you can add will change my perspective. It's not what you wanted to hear, but I presume you were looking for HONEST answers from the agony aunts.
However, it is clear you will do what you want to do... You will allow emotions (your desires) to overshadow sensible thinking. I remember the temptation to push aside common sense and "follow my heart". I think at some point we must all feel that way once in a while.
But in the face of that, we can offer little help to you. Without judgement, I wish you luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEmotions seem to quite happily throw their weight around when it comes to a sensible decision.
Thats kind of the reason why i asked if maybe i should just ask him out right now, and then get it over and done with , as if he rejects my suggestion, things won't be able to carry on as they are either way , so i guess it gets me the best of both , i can at least say i tried and if not then i have at least gotten myself away from him .
I think also as we do kind of go out on little date type things and he came to see me after work one night, and he went home alone, i think these little things are giving me mixed signals (though i know they aren't there anyways). i think if he did just call up and say i want sex ,right iv had my fun, call you soon,bye , then it'd make more sense ,but its just the little things in between that are playing with me ...and i know its me foolishly letting them , but aggggrrhhh .... i dont know it or not next time i see him i should just ask him out right or not....
i know he had a rocky relationship with his ex, and she did screw him over by cheating on him, with his mate, ..... as happened with my ex and i, hence why i thought i didnt want more?!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni also wanted to add to
**"We ended up sleeping together after the first date"- now, you even less of a chance of ever being his girlfriend.**
He also knows that this isn't my usual behavior as he was a friend of a friend of my ex,so he knows a lot about me as a person, not just as some cheap girl that sleeps with any one....
****"we both agreed that it is just sex"- ok, now you are definitely booty call, back up girl.*****
at the beginning this is all he was to me,before i started to get feelings.
***"he is moving to another country to live and work"- another major barrier in addition to the ones above. Sexual relationships don't translate into LDRs***
also when i said i wouldn't move for him and don't expect him to stay for me even IF he felt the same.Moving to a different country would be a far stretch from a LDR, that is seriously something i wouldn't consider.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok cheers older sister, neednt be so harsh- obviously i know all of these points myself but i was mostly after clarification on my own feelings and thoughts.
i dont see him all of the time, its only a couple of times a week, and if i stay over and he asks me to wait until he returns from work , we have dinner and afterwards just cuddle up with a film? i know this doesnt happen all of the time, but surely if it was just sex to him , he'd not want me to stick around until then?
i do know deep down that i need to get myself away from him, but in my head i think that i would rather be in a disaster that i know is going to happen. than ending up involved with some one and either of us getting hurt,
is it wrong to think that at least i know whats going to happen and that im gonna end up hurt, rather than worryin about getting hurt?
...............................
A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (6 October 2009):
Yes, it is a lost cause from the start. You have developed feelings for him and they will only grow the more time you spend with him.
You need to get rid of those little maybes that keep you hoping there may be something more. You need to think about dating other people and possibly start. You need to spend a lot more time working on your life; socializing with friends, investing in your career, pursuing your favourite hobbies.
He will move, he doesn't want more and he is not pining after you when you are separated as you are pining after him. A casual relationship is perfectly alright as long as all of the "players" are ok with it, but your feelings will only lead to more hurt if you continue as you have been.
Start developing some space from him now. You need to invest in that time you KNOW is on the horizon; that time when he's left.
It's crummy to hear all of that, but you needed to. I wish you luck.
:-)
...............................
|
