A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am lost here. Every time I have a disagreement or see something I don't like in my boyfriend, I immediately go to the 'we're not right for each other' place and it's driving me a little crazy. I've been with him for years. I've broken up with him several times because of this feeling, of every day this feeling surfacing, but it hasn't clarified my feelings. I go through a day sometimes thinking we'll marry, and then not that much later, maybe an hour, thinking we should break up because of something else on my mind. I go through these periods where I think maybe at X point it'll feel "right," and then when it doesn't I either forgive the false deadline I made or I break up. Our lease is coming up in a month and I've literally been apartment shopping for one AND two, and it's just a confusing way to live. I've been stewing on this for the last...4 hours? I learned that there is an anxiety disorder called relationship OCD and a lot of symptoms sound like me. I have no insurance to see anyone about mental health stuff..I"m looking for someone with familiarity with the disorder--does this sound like r-OCD or simply falling out of love/not the right person and how can you tell?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): I am unsure of the correct answer for you, but I can tell you that I empathize with you. I don't know if you do suffer from ROCD or something similar, or if it is time to end your relationship, but I thought I could contribute, based on my own experiences and painful lessons, somethings I learnt to do.
I suggest that you become 'aware' of your knee jerk reaction to break up when in the heat of an argument. With all your will power and self control, you must 'decide' that you WILL NOT break up when you are angry. I have made a rule for myself, that if I want to breakup, I have to have that feeling for TWO WEEKS before I act on it. I find that within a day or two, sometimes longer, I am SO GLAD I didn't break up, and I remember how much I love my man.
I have broken up with someone based on my continual 'indecision'... and lived to regret it for a long time. I also once pulled the 'breakup' card, on a bf and he took it and ran with it... he lost all respect and trust in me immediately and would not see me again,I hurt for a long time over that 'knee jerk' reaction of mine - but learnt a valuable lesson.
It may be that your relationship has run its course, and your heart is letting you know it is time to move on, but your head doesn't believe it. Maybe. but till you work that out DECIDE that you are staying together, and love your bf with your words and actions. IF you desperately want to breakup, acknowledge that feeling, and wait for two weeks, to make sure you STILL feel that way....THEN DECIDE to break up - in a controlled, thoughtful, mature way.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): I think everyone here is being a little hard on you. You said you broke up with him several times, but you also said that when you think these things, you often go to a worrying 'place,' and not directly to him, as other posters are accusing you of doing.
I am guessing half the battle goes on in your head, and he has no idea how much you question things because you dont tell him till you break up with him. That's generally how these kinds of thoughts work--we have them for a long time, let them whip us up into a frenzy of anxiety, and then we let them loose--and the break up happens, seemingly out of nowhere for the other person.
I would venture to guess you are naturally an anxious person, someone who worries a lot, and may also have low level depression and low self-esteem. For people like this, even the perfect guy can be hard to stay with, because they are fighting so many other demons. I think there is a part of you that really cares for this guy, because you go back to him, but another part of you that needs to be free.
I think you should see a doctor, and discuss your feelings. Going on a medication for GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) may work wonders for your racing thoughts. If these thoughts are intruding on your life to this extent, they are worth looking into and solving.
I also think you should write down everything you feel about this guy. Do it as a letter to yourself. List his good points, his bad points, and what you like about him. Really explore your feelings. Your thoughts are trying to tell you something, and pushing them away or fretting over them is not the release you need--you need to express it.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 April 2014):
 You're confused. You don't know what you want, you like the guy because he's probably good on paper and good to you but when things get even slightly rocky, you start questioning everything. Your feelings for him, your relationship, everything.
I don't think you really love the guy because if you did, then you wouldn't be questioning your feelings for him at every step of the way. You keep threatening him with the fact that you'll break up with him, well guess what, one day he'll get thoroughly sick and tired of you and will ask you to get lost from his life because you're just taking it too far. This isn't OCD, its just plain old confusion. You dont know what you want but you're going on with the relationship because you dont know what else to do. It probably seems easy and comfortable for you when you're happy so you dont really know what to do.
Do you really think you can sustain a long-term relationship with this guy? Disagreements, fights and arguments will always be there because they're natural in every relationship but not knowing how to deal with them in a mature way and threatening to break up is not a good sign.
You need to finally think and take a decision about what you want. If you're not happy then call it off, its better than stringing him along and being unhappy yourself
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 April 2014):
 Irrespective of what - if any - label you wish to assign to it.... this "relationship" sounds as if it is based in angst and discord.....
Some (of us - Aunts and Uncles) might say: "That would be enough for me. I'd walk away, and suggest that you do the same." HOWEVER.....
..... some couples stay together for years (as you have) and their volatile behaviour is THEIR "norm"... and they don't see any reason to change it (neither their behaviour nor their relationship).
If you don't find your relationship to be pleasant and rewarding... then you will be wise to extricate yourself from it... and get on with your life....
If you seek only to put a label on yourself and your relationship.... then call it "ARR" ("Adult Romper Room") and continue on as always....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2014): If you are house hunting for two and for one that is concrete evidence that you see your life without him and are happy enough with the idea to actively look into it. That to me sounds like you are ready to move from him.
Let the poor man go, he doesn't deserve a relationship where he walks on eggshells afraid to set off your fuse.
Be brave and listen to that voice within when it says you want out. Breaking up once didn't make you realise you could never live without him. You went on to break up several times more. He sounds like a habit you are trying to quit but you are so used to it you revert back without necessarily wanting to.
My two cents are to break up with him.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 April 2014):
 You say you've broken up with him many times before? Here's the thing, what if the time came, you both started arguing, and you said the same thing, but this time, he said it was the last time, deleted and blocked you from his life, and treated you like you were dead to him forever?
Most people do what you do in arguments in order to gain leverage and power in arguments and the relationship in general. OR, they are meant to seek attention and constant reassurance that the partner they're saying it to really loves them. A guy who loves a girl, upon hearing those words in an argument, typically starts going into crisis mode to keep the relationship. However, eventually the guy gets numb, and he gets sick of the manipulations and either blows off her words or says "Well then go. I'm sick of this." and moves on.
Breakups aren't meant to be used in the way you're using them. They are meant to be Nuclear Events, meaning the death knell in the relationship. When they are used like this, his heart gets scarred and even calloused to your words. You can't be wishy-washy here. This isn't OCD, this is you not knowing what you want, and using that to win arguments and get attention. To put it crassly, piss or get off the pot. It's cruel to treat someone like this, because it's emotional abuse. Threatening breakup in every argument is not cool, and using someone as an emotional punching bag by breakups and get-togethers is the same thing.
Set him free or stop doing this to him once and for all. Learn to resolve arguments by not resorting to that kind of manipulation, because it *will* wear thin, and one day you'll be left alone by him because you pushed him once too far with it.
If you're not sure of him, then let the poor guy go. If you love him, treat him like you love him and woman up in the arguments. Resolve them maturely, face if you're called on something you're in the wrong for, and stand your ground if you're in the right, because say you do leave this guy and find another guy you love, you think there won't be an argument then, and when there is, you'll revert right back into this pattern because it's WORKED. But most guys worth having see right through it and won't be manipulated like this.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 April 2014):
 What you mention CAN sound like the type of OCD called Relationship Intrusive Thoughts - Obsessive doubts over the suitability of a relationship, one’s partner or one's own sexuality are the main focus for the obsessional thoughts.
IF you THINK it might be the root of your problems (and not just being unsure of your relationship) the only way to work on it and deal with it is to talk to a therapist.
Is this your first relationship?
If not, did you end the last one because of thoughts like this?
If it is your first, then it could be that you have emotionally separated yourself from your partner already but don't want to move on.
How can you tell if it's OCD or just a matter or having fallen out of love?
A doctor/therapist can - we on DC can't.
I have OCD, but VERY different kind then RIT (Relationship Intrusive Thoughts) I have had it for most of my life. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help a lot. Mainly to give you tools in how to handle situations as they arise.
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