A
female
age
,
*ruetomyword
writes:I need advice on my current relationship. He is a great guy I think I am in love with him. I am not sure if it is for the right reasons.My husband committed suicide in front of me 1 year ago. I am sure sure if I will ever really get through this but I refuse to beat myself up over it. I know he was ill and it was not my fault. I sought professional help and through many sessions I know what I need to do to go forward. I started seeing a friend that I have known for 30 years. Things were good until I felt myself getting scared and I pulled back. Now his guard is up and so is mine. I am afraid I have just ruined what might have been a great relationship. I am still feeling at the same time I am with him because he makes me feel safe.I am a very small person and he is a very tall person. Are my feelings of "safe" due to size or ?He has had terrible luck with women and we talked about all of our fears in the begining. I am so afraid I have hurt him beyond repair. I don't want to lose him as my friend he is a very caring down to earth guy.We talk to each other honestly. I told him I needed to close the door on my old life, set new goals and then I could truely move on with a new life. His response was " We just need to let things settle and go from there".When I am with him the rest of the world isn't there. But I still have so many things to clean up in my old life.I was with my husband for 23 years. We planned for our retirement. We were set to retire in 5 years. Now it is all a big mess.I was not looking for a relationship we were just going on a motorcylce ride as friends but we just felt such a strong attraction physical and emotionally that we moved forward and now I think we may have moved to fast.Is there a way to fix this or do I just walk away ?I am not a needy person and we live 6 hours away from each other. We trust each other to be loyal but we can't seem to trust the other won't decide to leave. Is this relationship doomed due to the inability to let go of our past relationships baggage ?I pride myself in telling the truth, keeping my word and treating others the way I would want them to treat me. I do not want to lead this on or be with him for the wrong reasons. He much to nice of a guy to be messed with.
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female
reader, Deema  +, writes (29 October 2008):
 Bless you both - really. You so need each other at the moment. You are both suffering that loss, and thats why you are helping each other. He sounds extremely sensitive and caring and that is just what you need at this time. Be gentle with each other and tread very slowly. It will be fine. I'm glad we have given you some comfort. Like I said, bless you both. You deserve some happiness after all you've been through. Lots of love and blessings.
A
female
reader, Truetomyword +, writes (28 October 2008):
Truetomyword is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank you for your answers I really needed some outside advice.
We spent the summer together me traveling mostly as I do not work outside the home. We were talking about me moving closer to him.
I am very comfortable at his house with him. I got scared after Sept 2008 when I had to go to my home & stay for an extended period to finish getting things in order there.
I am at his house now and we have spent the weekend trying to talk. I am feeling very bad because it is clear he is hurt. He is fighting his feelings for me because he wants to keep his guard up and he said just that. He was honest with me about how bad he had been hurt in the past by trusting women.
When I told him I needed to close the door on my old life he said " yes you do and only you can do that and you will when your ready".
From the start he has been very understanding. I met him when I was 15 years old. We met up years later after I was married and he and my husband became friends. Not buddies but friends. They got along well and I know he was also hurt by my husbands death.
This is the way he has always been very caring & understanding. When we started seeing each other he said he did not want to be the "rebound guy". I think he might be feeling like he is the rebound guy now.
I think both of your answers are going to be very helpful to me.
Thank you very much for your thoughts and helpful words it really means alot to me.
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (28 October 2008):
Hi, so sorry you have had to go through all this stuff. It must have been a very difficult time for you, and these things don't just go away overnight, even though we wish them to. I, personally, feel the loss of someone through suicide is a much tougher thing to experience - and I'm sure you don't need to me explain why. You're a smart lady and you've been getting the help you need. I'm pleased about that. As for this new relationship. Listen to me. Sometimes we are sent someone in our lives, who may not be the person we have a long term relationship with, but they can give us what we need at that particular time in our life. There is nothing wrong with that. As you say, you are attracted to each other on all levels - for whatever reason, that doesn't matter. Fact is you are. Go with it. Enjoy it for what it is. Don't be serious about it. Just accept the universe has given you a gift to help you through a difficult time. Yes, maybe when you feel stronger and less vulnerable, he may not be the one for you, but doesn't mean you can't have that love and affection you so need now. I also know how hard it is with the baggage from a long term relationship. You let your walls down and then something very small happens and wham back up they go. Thats ok too. You are both very vulnerable at the moment. It may go on for some time like that, but as long as you keep talking and being honest, its ok. Its ALL ok. So call him. He sounds ok. Tell him how you feel, and just go with it, all of it. It may end up as something, or it may end up as just a good friend to turn to sometimes. We all need and use people at these times. The universe provides us with what we need. Don't be scared to accept it. Lots of love xx
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A
female
reader, brklynsis81 +, writes (28 October 2008):
 I think that maybe you are overthinking things a little. It sounds like neither of you want to rush things, and I think that is for the best. I think it's too hard to judge if the relationship is "doomed" without knowing the current status though. You are both still friends, right? So it seems like the relationship still exists.
I think maybe the problem is that I don't understand what you mean by moving to fast, or moving forward. Are you sleeping together? Are you thinking about moving closer together, getting engaged, etc? If he is fulfulling a need you have in being a friend, someone you can talk to, a lover, why not just be happy for it and not worry so much about what is going to happen in the future? I only see it as a problem if one of you wants something that the other doesn't (for instance, he wants an engagement, and you don't). If you feel like you took a step and need to step back a little, just talk to him about it. He will probably understand. If he doesn't, then I could see that as being a reason to end the relationship.
I'm really sorry for the loss of your husband, I'm sure you will be coping with that in different ways for a very long time. I am glad you have had a friend to help you through the healing.
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