A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi allThis may be a long read, but here goes=I met A in 2007, when I was out with my BF at the time. A told me he was smitten with me the moment he saw me, asked me to dance, talked to me, etc. I told him I have a BF. He kept persisting until I gave him my email and eventually my # because he swore he only wanted to be friends. (Maybe I was naive, but I also found him cute) Anyways, I told my BF about it at the time and we laughed about it, my BF is not a jealous or insecure guy, he thought it was funny.A begins calling me all the time, I don't answer, sometimes it is when I am with the BF, I show him the phone, we find it "interesting". One time I do answer out of curiosity and A says that he was worried I didn't answer and wanted to know I was OK. I told him, "It's disrespectful to speak with you as often as you call since I have a BF" and he apologized, and that was that (I thought)Fast forward a few years later, in 2009 around the summer time my BF and I are on the brink of separating (we have had our own issues). A and I have chatted here and there online, nothing serious. At this point he has mentioned several times he wants to meet up and I agree to see him at a friend's birthday party. He drives down several states to visit. I make sure we are rarely alone as I feel I don't yet fully "know" him. We have a great time. Fall of 2009= I start a new hospital rotation on an inpatient unit. My BF is rapidly becoming my ex-BF. He becomes busier as I get wrapped up in a physically and emotionally draining job. I tell BF this and he has no response. Finally I tell him, I want to see other people. He agrees. A has been calling me daily now, being supportive, being romantic.At the point after I break up w BF, I think more and more about A and give it more serious consideration.I have only had 1 BF and sexual relationship, never had a fling before, etc. However, I do feel something was driving me to see what there was with A. And since I was broken up with my BF I didn't feel I was doing anything wrong.I saw A in October and he is the 2nd person that I am intimate with. I am his first. Long story short, we continue dating for about a year, we see each other about once every 2 months. on December 8, 2010 he tells me he wants to be friends bc he doesn't feel ready to provide me with what I deserve (I am a professional..he is an undocumented citizen, little $..etc)Now, to the question....he has told me many things which I may believe (in my mind) but not (in my heart). I can't fully tell if it's more due to the way I am wired but would like to bounce ideas off other people in addition to my close friends. This is what he's told me-that he loves me, no feelings have changed (I disagree with this, if his feelings had not changed, he would be pursuing me as before, no?)-he's doing this for my own good (at first I thought he had found someone, which I now don't think so)-he doesn't feel good enough for me or that he deserves me (this I do believe, even though I tried to impart to him I chose to be with him for a reason)-Currently we haven't talked in 2wks, our longest time "apart" yet (and I use that term loosely). Since Dec 8, I didn't talk to or text him, he texted me a week later asking how I was doing. I was so hurt and rageful I spit out a plethora of angry texts. We talked. I cried. He also texted me on NYE and I sent him a few pictures of myself dressed up, he said it hurt him. Honestly (and I know it may be childish logic) I wanted him to see me happy, vivrant, and want to be with me again; obviously my plan was not so stellar.-I don't know if I mentioned this, but we have a very strong physical bond. I have also come to really care for him. I do have a few reservations (mainly his citizenship- I would be very scared to start a family with the risk of him getting deported). ALso he drinks and smokes and I don't. -I think for the most part he has functioned as a fantasy relationship for me, one that exists outside the realm of daily life. However, since he decided he wants to step back, this feels intolerable for my egoI apologize for any jargon- yes I am a psychologist - but I look forward to feedback- does there seem to be hope for us? Is the relationship doomed because we began being friends while I was dating someone else (even though I never cheated and was honest w my BF)?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): Dang!U CAN write alot.Im sorry but i just cant read that all but if you cant write all of that about someone or something .I think it's just about enough evidendce to stay in that relationship til you find a real reason why not to be together.Hope this helped .Love ya and good luck!
A
male
reader, RayBones +, writes (30 January 2011):
 ok for a psychologist you are very much a case study of poor communication, co-dependence, and self-esteem issues.
The way you split from you're first BF sounded very mature and that's a good thing, but playing games doesn't seem very constructive to farming out a real relationship.
I would want to know a few things about you and A. What are you looking to get out of this relationship? Are you looking to settle down, are you wanting a passionate fling, or are you just wanting the ol' one-nighter?
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