A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How far does the rabbit hole go? I don't want to give up but I don't think I could handle finding out a past situation got any worse. Read on to understand the whole situation. The following ended up being very long! But it is only in an attempt to allow others to be as objective as possible. Not that I had left out information that would change the context.Recently me and my girlfriend of 3+ years met her last ex-boyfrend at a wedding, we talked before i knew he was her ex and he seems very nice. But before we left I was present when he attempted to just shake her hand and she gave him a hug, but he made it an embrace. After all that, on the ride home she explained he asked her to dance (to the first song he sung to her while they were dating) when i was away getting a drink and she declined. All that said, I need to give some info about some earlier issues. One to two months into our relationship she traveled 5 hours with her best friend on a girls weekend, near where he lived. She told me after she came back that nothing happened that he just hung out at the mall and showed them the sites. What i didnt find out for 6 months was the fact that they stayed in the same bed. 2-3 months after the first trip, he invited her to see his first gig singing the album he wrote to/about her. I didn't know that at the time. She was going to stay at his apartment with 3 other roomates for a weekend. I told her i had a problem with this but she swore that they were just good old friends. I again told her ok, i trust you because i believe trust in each other is important. So she went up for the weekend 5 hours away. I had some friends over that night and they all razzed me for saying ok to her, my father joined in too. It made me concerned and I started talking scenarios like her sleeping with him and I why I told her I would be ok with her going. But, in the end told them I trusted her and that was enough for me. One of the friends there was dating her best friend and went home and Said I was saying how she was cheating and how could I trust her etc. So my GF found out and we had a big fight, (one we broke up over for a week after she got back) Saturday night on the phone. That night she she wrote 23 pages of how she didnt know how she was dating me and how maybe her ex was the right one after all. He came in to comfort her and she let him read the 23 pages. Later, she said she fell asleep while a house party was going on in the rest of her ex-bfs apt. Now back to the present. On the ride home she explained basicly "their" whole story. In her explanation she went on to say that when he stayed in her and her friends hotel room not only were they sleeping in the same bed, but he also "got handsy" (I didn't ask what that infered) and kissed her cheek, but she said she stopped him. Then told me the second time when she was staying at his apartment, He ended up crawling in her bed again after she fell asleep and she said he again "got handsy," and kissed her cheek a bit. But she said nothing happened because she told him to stop and they went to sleep in the same bed. She doesn't know how much it hurts, angers me. Because if I said anything I know it would be a huge fight and I don't think our relationship can handle that right now because we just almost broke up over me going back to college for my BA and how that ruined her time table for getting married and having kids (I'm 23.) I don't give up, but I know that has hurt me in the past. Is this a lost cause? I feel defeated, and distant from her... I just don't know what to do next...
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female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (17 September 2009):
 Those points don't change my advice.... in case that's why you typed it.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTwo things I forgot to mention.
One, and I'm not sure if this is because I'm feeling distant, or if its true. But, she seems more lovey than normal...
bAfter the time she went up by her ex 2 1/2 years ago, she hasn't seen him since. And has, at least in my knowledge avoided contact with him./b
OK, I lied there's a third, she also after seeing him at the wedding, asked me if I though she should text him that it was nice to see him, or not. I told her that it seemed like he couldn't just be her friend, but if she wanted to start talking to him again then that would be the way to do it. It was kind of a back hand comment, because I was upset she would ask me in the first place. What gets me now is she's told mutual friends of are's that i said go for it...
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A
female
reader, LoveGoddess +, writes (16 September 2009):
I'm sorry, she is cheating.
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (16 September 2009):
The rabbit hole goes deeper. When someone gives you the truth in small doses and it gets worse every time, it's usually because they are lying.There is something going on there. She appears quite willing to play you two against each other. I wouldn't argue about it. Simply explain that her ex doesn't fit into your time table for a happy and well-balanced life and you wish her luck.You're headed back to school for your BA. Give yourself a fresh start.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Seekeretta +, writes (15 September 2009):
Well, the fact that she wanted to break up your relationship over a time table is enough for me to say, "adios!" You are doing the right thing by getting your BA and if anything, she should be proud and happy about a more stabilized future for her children. Time tables never work out. Sometimes, women allow these plans to interfere with meeting the man right for her, etc. Don't tiptoe around her for fear the relationship will be over because of a fight. This is your future too! If something needs to be dealt with, deal with it and move on, if need be! Good luck to you.
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